I like to give the gift that keeps on giving
HIV
(misteroz, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 11:59, Reply)

I don't celebrate Christmas...
So nobody expects presents from me.

What do I give to people I hate? Nought!

What does it cost? Feck all!
(tarbin tarbis, tarbit, tarbamus, tarbimus, tarbant, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 11:58, Reply)

Not for Christmas, but...
I gave my friend a Marrow. I had one spare...
(Kohoutek, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 11:54, Reply)

Coaster
I was given a coaster...

admittedly it's lurid design featuring a mustachioed man with hairy chest exposed and some kind of long pink device has grown on me...

The packaging said "because I think your facial hair is sexy"

continuing with the theme, I had generously given a selection of 7 self-adhesive mustaches. One for every day of the week!

Went down a storm at the Christmas party!

(A suggestion for others with a £5 limit. you can get frozen lobster for a fiver from Lidl)
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 11:48, Reply)

OK. One more time ...
There's a girl in my office who's been flirting with me for weeks. It started with smiles, then progressed to tight blouses, then no bra and tighter blouses. She certainly had my attention.

Things escalated last week when she swivelled around on her wheely chair and showed her legs to great effect in a disgracefully short skirt. She looked me meaningfully in the eyes and uncrossed her lovely pins to reveal a distinct lack of underwear. Being on the phone at the time, she continued to sit like that for the duration of the conversation as my trousers filled with rigid meat.

So I was delighted to get her as my Secret Santa target. I bought one of those saucy vibrators with a remote control and watched her face when she opened it. She actually blushed! Then a sly smile came over her face.

This morning, when I arrived at my desk, she was wearing the same short skirt. Only this time, when she swivelled around to face me and uncrossed her lovely legs, I saw the butt end of that same vibro, which was deeply embedded in her parts. "Look in your top drawer," she whispered.

And there was the remote. I grinned, pointed it at her loins and pressed 'moderate'. It made no noise, but her wriggling and rising colour showed that it was taking effect. I flicked it to 'high' and she had to turn back to her desk, where she gripped her keyboard with whitened knuckles. That was when I remembered the clit stimuator and pressed the little pink button.

Her LCD monitor fell over when she came.
(frankspencer, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 11:44, Reply)

Bully
A gentleman whom I manage has accused me of bullying and threatening him over the course of the last year. So bad is my alleged bullying that he "feels so depressed and suicidal at the thought of coming into work".

That being the case, buying him 2000 paracetamol for his Secret Santa seems quite reasonable to me.
(Light, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 11:41, Reply)

Not someone I hate...
Last year in the orchestra, we (the 'cello section) had our own little Secret Santa. I got a girl on third desk and went out and bought a cheapo little snowman that talked (shit I know). When she got it at the beginning of rehearsal (well, just before) she tried it, laughed and put it by the side of her seat. Halfway through the rehearsal, watching the conductor waiting to start Shostakovitch's 5th Symphony when a chorus of 'Jingle Bells' started up from the snowman because she accidentally kicked it. Everyone is stitches and her, face red trying to turn it off. Even the straight faced conductor laughed (a little).

Had to be there I suppose, just like you have to see the size of my penis
(The_Reaper, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 11:39, Reply)

Cruel to be kind
Facial hair remover.
(McFlooble, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 11:36, Reply)

crabs
[scratches]
(L0p3z, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 11:36, Reply)

Well....
I did give someone a kipper once... should probably not have removed it from the plastic wrapping first though.

Ours is next week with a £5 limit so I'm taking notes... Might be another kipper.
( Sonic James Doom forgetting the date since... umm..., Fri 15 Dec 2006, 11:33, Reply)

Penis Pasta
I was a student on placement in an office and we had a sense of humour as did a handful of people.

Anyhoo - this year I got one of the older rather attractive women (well, I was 20 and she was 30 odd which made her old - now I'm 30 and 30 isn't old - I digress....).

Penis shaped pasta seemed like a funny gift - thankfully she thought so too - some of the other Politically Correct arses didn't see the funny side, but everyone else (including her) did.

It was the funniest gift of the evening too :-)

Didn't pull her though. Gutted!
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 11:33, Reply)

What Have You Given To People You Hate?
Going to answer this literally.

About three hundred thousand pounds and my sanity to my ex-wife.

Take my advice - don't get married to the wrong person.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 11:33, Reply)

Edible Pants
Edible fucking pants.

Thats what I got. Turned out it was from a bloke as well.

At home I took them out of the box and they were made out of tough slimey tissue paper and smelt like coconut suntan lotion.

They went straight in the bin. Thanks a bunch arsehole.

(NB: for American readers, by pants I mean underwear).


A friend of mine was lumbered with his fat bitch of a team leader in the secret santa. He bought her dog biscuits.

And that boys & girls is how you get a disciplinary action brought against you.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 11:30, Reply)

Biscuity goodness
£5 limit. I drew the most annoying person in the office, who happens to be partial to all the pies. The perfect Secret Santa present?

18 packets of Tesco Value custard creams - 7.2kg of biscuity goodness. Lidl would be a better bet, but I would be worried if anyone saw my there.
(lardaholics anonymous, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 11:17, Reply)

Captain Bastard
This was his nickname. We would feel guilty about doing the things we did to him for any other person but he was such an utter bastard that we didn't even feel the slightest twinge.
To set the scene: Captain had £8,000 in the bank, but still bought girls he fancied Tesco Value Chocolate (he took the wrapper off) and wouldn't buy a round. He wanked furiously and didn't tidy up properly, much to his roomates annoyance. He had a steady girlfriend back home, but still pulled as many people as possible back in Freshers' week, then had the nerve to burst into tears when she broke up with him. So what did he do to cheer himself up? Got his mum to buy him a holiday to America, whereupon he reaquainted himself with an ex. Then when he got back here he got himself another two girlfriends and didn't tell them he was cheating on them with another two girls. All this time he still letched on people, especially people you were trying to talk to.
The guy was an arsefountain.
So, when I got him in Secret Santa I felt obliged to indicate everyone's feelings towards him. I got his present and did the old cunt's trick of wrapping it in as many layers as possible. Such was the density and size of the package that it looked and felt like a dvd case. In fact it was 26 different layers of paper stuck down with double sided sticky tape.
There is a video on my friend's computer of him unwrapping the present and the transition on Captain's face from excited to frustrated to confused to panic to annoyance to the penny dropping was priceless. I'll try to post it if I can get the video from someone.
I hope he enjoyed his Mojo Pills, I spent a full £2 getting them from a pub toilet. Added to that was the fact that when I gave him them I was dressed as Santa and swigging from a bottle of rum, grinning like a loon.
(thePontificator, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 11:07, Reply)

I like Secret Santa.
Over the years I have given people

A tub of Marmite
Hardcore porn mags
A jar of Gherkins
A potato

Because they are worth it!
(Halfy By light alone, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 11:04, Reply)

Ah the joys.....
of falling lucky & getting the one person out of a group 20+ that I really wanted to get a present for. Watching his face, as we sat in an Italian restaurant in Soho as he unwrapped his butt-plug (medium) is a joy I still hold dear to this day. Thankfully being Soho I didn't have to go too far to find one. I think he might have worked it out it was me who bought it but if he didn't, Brett, it was me! That will teach you for making idle comments a couple of months earlier.

I was quite pleased with mine; I got an etch-a-sketch, just what every designer needs.

I make no apologies for size. It was £10 limit!
(Mantrid, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 11:00, Reply)

WOO!
last year, the person who i bought for was sacked for fraud...

so i got the pressies he bought me...
and the pressies i bought him!!!

SCORE!
(likeajackhammer, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 10:51, Reply)

Armbands
to my housemate who can't swim. Although I guess that's actually rather useful.
(osmouk, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 10:49, Reply)

At the Office.....
There is a large christmas tree at the office with some secret santa presents under it, I just went to the local Dildo Warehouse and purchased 3 Dildos and 3 bottles of Anal Lube.
They are now wrapped and have been slipped under the tree without anyone noticing, this year some people will get what they want, and some twats what they need hahah
(wifebeater Funkier than a BinBag of Affro's, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 10:48, Reply)

Last year...
...my colleague Tom got a pizza cutter.

We know who it was from, too. (No, not me!)
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 10:47, Reply)

to the massive homophobe at my previous job
one copy of the gay times
one tube of ky jelly
one banana
(wayneofthedead Dale Winton was my dad, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 10:41, Reply)

Irony like molasses
It's Secret Santa day today and I've bought my boss a fine Dent hairbrush with pure bristle and a wooden handle. They're supposed to be just the thing for avoiding static build-up in flowing hair.

Only - he's bald as a coot.


[PS This is my last day of posting. Got a new job and will have to do some work in future. Farewell, b3ta - you took the best of my working day.]

Mod Edit: Frank! That's awful. We'll miss you. And your soft pron :)
(frankspencer, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 10:34, Reply)

A colleague and fellow St Johnstone fan was given a Dundee FC mug. Bastards.
( djtrialprice, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 10:33, Reply)

I'm planning on giving the b3ta book of sick jokes

I really hope I get the born again christian

;¬)
( Geoff the Clownfish You know Myra, some people might think you're cute, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 10:29, Reply)

not from me but someone else:
hairdye for the ginger at work.

pure brilliance
(Handel blah blah blah, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 10:22, Reply)

This is it
The best gift I got this year was first post on this question!

Which kinda tells you how shite my Secret Santa was... a blank CD and instructions on how to use Limewire.

In fairness, it was very nicely wrapped.

EDIT: I didn't even get first post. Damn my slow, slow typing fingers
( DickieDoesDallas eshews witty slogans, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 10:20, Reply)

pants
someone in my group of friends gave this somewhat overweight girl enormous novelty grannypants.
harsh
(skankgirl, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 10:19, Reply)