Shitty shitty patient...
My ambulance was sent to a woman complaining of abdominal pain. No one mentioned the reason why…
My partner (nickname of Fabio) and I walked into the residence and I can handle a lot of gross smells but this smelled like the patient had done a shit, vomited into said shit, let it ferment in piss for week, added a heaped tablespoon of vinegar flavoured rat cum and then re-ingested the lot and shat it out again. There was shit on the sofa, shit in the carpet, shitty handprints on the walls, shit all over the patient (who had passed out and was laying in the shitty shit) and there was shit in the shit.

Fortunately, my partner was patient care officer on this job thus enabling me to tread shit whilst alternately making fake dry retching noises and laughing at his genuine retching.

The patient came round and my partner started to clean her up – we’d normally wrap such a patient in some blankets but she really did need to lose a few kilos of the shit which encased her.
In the end, I felt sorry for my partner so I swam over and helped him clean up the patient.

About a week later we received a thank-you card from the patient which surprisingly did not smell of shit. She was very embarrassed by the whole situation and was profusely apologetic.
Before my partner saw the card I forged an extra line of writing which said:
“Fabio, did your thumb slip up my arse because of the shit or was that just a way of stopping me doing any more? Either way, it was nice. Call me.”
I added a couple of brown thumb prints to the card courtesy of Cadburys.

He actually dry retched on reading the card, which was nice.
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Fri 28 Mar 2008, 2:27, 2 replies)

I'm laughing so hard my tummy muscles ache
and I nearly choked on the apple I was munching. You are a fucking genius!
( Bob Todd whee, Fri 28 Mar 2008, 10:18, closed)

I spent all night drinking
and didn't quite get around to sleeping; this set me off into a 10 minute fit of slightly manic laughter. Very well done.
(non_the_road, Sat 29 Mar 2008, 16:06, closed)