Shitting gauze
A few weeks ago, I had all my wisdom teeth out. In the weeks preceding the operation I spent an inordinate amount of time looking it up on the internet, practically memorising the wikipedia page on wisdom teeth, googling every possible complication, reading the entirety of the "dentists" QOTW (damn you all, you made me terrified) and even typing "wisdom tooth extraction" into the search bar on YouTube, which I do not recommend anyone does under any circumstances. By the time the day of the operation dawned, I thought I knew what to expect. I thought I was prepared. I had painkillers, sleeping pills, mouthwash, ice packs, everything I could possibly need. I had become an expert on wisdom tooth extractions and all of their possible complications. However, I suffered a terrible complication that not even google, YouTube or b3ta could have prepared me for. "But pray tell, grandmasterfluffles," I hear you cry, "What could a grisly dental operation possibly have to do with poo?"

More than you think.

There were quite a few complications with the operation itself which I won't go into in great detail, but most importantly, the nasty fuckers at the bottom were impacted not just in the gum but also in the jaw bone itself, meaning that they had to remove chunks of my jaw to get them out. Although I had taken my surgeon's advice and taken a maximum dose of painkillers well before the anaesthetic wore off I was, as might be expected, in a fuck load of pain. However, it was much more bearable than I had feared. "This is fine," I thought, "I can easily handle this for a couple of days..." It then occurred to me that it was probably time to take out my gauze packs. For anyone not in the know, when you have a tooth extracted, you're given a rolled up bit of damp gauze to bite on to soak up the blood. Mine had become decidedly gross and soggy and I seemed to have stopped bleeding, so I removed them. Within a couple of seconds I was in unbearable, excruciating agony. Remember how they'd had to break my jaw to get the teeth out? Well, I basically had two open fractures in my mouth, and the gauze packs had been the only things stopping my mangled jaw bone from being exposed. I made myself another couple of gauze packs immediately, and the hideous, excruciating, mind-mangling pain abated swiftly. By the time I went to bed, it was still excruciatingly painful taking the gauze packs out, so I went to sleep with them in.

Now, after extensive research, it's my opinion that no amount of alcohol, in fact no substance whatsoever, is capable of producing quite the level of sheer stupidity, wooziness and general moronic behaviour that is possible when you haven't yet woken up properly. At about 2am that night I had a great dream that I was chewing a really yummy piece of French bread. It was the best baguette I'd ever tasted - crispy on the outside, soft on the inside, with really good unsalted butter... It did occur to me that crusty French bread wasn't the most sensible thing to be eating in my current condition, and I was having serious difficulty chewing it. A sensible person would have admitted defeat and spat it out, but alas, I am not at all sensible and also phenomenally greedy. I swallowed the bread almost whole. Then, joy of joys, I found that I had another yummy piece of baguette on the other side of my mouth! I began chewing that too. Then my semi-conscious self was jolted rapidly into full consciousness by the realisation that I was gnawing at one of my disgusting, bloody gauze packs, and the other one was making its uncomfortable way down to my stomach.

I phoned NHS Direct for some advice, and they laughed at me. Oh yes, they laughed at me! I had serious difficulty explaining the problem seeing as I was about as articulate as a chimpanzee with a cleft palate, but I managed it in the end. I got the distinct impression that every time I was put on hold, the whole office was probably exploding into hysterics. The nurse I spoke to asked me a few questions ("Do you have bloody stools?" Why would I when I'd only swallowed the thing an hour previously?) and told me that it would probably make its way through my digestive system with no complications. However, she did tell me that if I had any abdominal pain whatsoever I was to get myself to A&E immediately, where they would do a barium x-ray and probably operate to remove it. This did not sound pleasant, and in fact, the first thing that popped into my head was Legless' legendary QOTW contribution about barium shits. If it hadn't made its way out of my system within two weeks, I would also need a barium x-ray to check it wasn't stuck somewhere. And guess how I was going to have to track its reappearance? That's right - by dissecting everything that came out of my arse until it turned up!

I really had thought that the low point of my life had been on the day of the operation, drugged up to the eyeballs with two open fractures in my jaw, but no, nothing beats kneeling over a toilet bowl 24 hours later, still looking and feeling as if you've done ten rounds with Mike Tyson, poking at your own bowel movements with an old toothbrush. Since I wasn't eating much at all, my digestive transit was a little on the sluggish side, and I had to dissect three poos before I found the offending gauze pack. I then did a little victory dance around the bathroom, still smeared in my own excrement. I would not wish this experience on anyone, and have since had great sympathy for pathologists examining stool samples for a living.

Length? The surgeon said they were the longest roots he'd ever seen in such a small person.
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Fri 28 Mar 2008, 15:01, 7 replies)

Ewwww
That's got to be the worst. Swallowed gauze and dissection of the aftermath. Eww.
(Eds Meds Mathskillz=1,Socialskillz=0, Fri 28 Mar 2008, 15:06, closed)

*click*
I read this on your blog, but it still mames me laugh like a mong!
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Fri 28 Mar 2008, 15:07, closed)

*click*
My cousin had his wisdoms out... and nearly died.

NHS Direct is a lovely idea - but that's all. In practice, it doesn't lessen the strain on doctors and hospitals, but increases it. This is because in many cases, the nurse on the phone is going to have to recommend that you seek medical help in person, on the basis that you clearly can't be examined properly over the phone. As a result, many people who would otherwise have shrugged off whatever's happened to them without a thought are told that they ought to seek assistance, and do.

Hell, road, good intentions, paving? You betcha.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 28 Mar 2008, 15:08, closed)

*Clicks*
I read your blog a while back and the bit about finding the missing gauze made me wince and smirk simultaneously.

However the pangs of sympathy were triggered by the daily updates of how badly your jaw was swollen. Very ouch indeed and reminded me of how facially traumatised I was when I contracted mumps as a mini-PJM.

Have a clicky.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 28 Mar 2008, 15:16, closed)

this makes me so pleased
that i was born without wisdom teeth.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 28 Mar 2008, 16:01, closed)

I know who would've done it for you.
That Gillian McKeith, she loves poking around in other people's doings. Send it to her in a lunch box and the evil old crone is in heaven.
(singingringingtree Living in the past., Fri 28 Mar 2008, 23:08, closed)

singingringingtree
OMG you are so right! Why didn't I think of that? I seriously doubt that gauze packs are part of her diet plan though...
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Sun 30 Mar 2008, 15:51, closed)