Been Waiting For This One
I stole a park bench from Manchester University.

It was a Becks Promotion night. Becks had just arrived in the UK and they were selling it in the Student Union for 30p a pint. I got muntered on 3 quid.

So, on leaving the union with my mate we took a short-cut through the University grounds. And we spied a bench.

"That would be perfect on our balcony mate" I slurred to Jon - and he agreed.

So he picked up one end and I got the other. Fuck me it was heavy. It was a well built, rock solid piece of craftsmanship and about 8 foot long.

So off we went, past the library, through the car park to the back gates. Which were locked. Bugger. So I leant the bench against the iron spikey fence and climbed up it. Wedging myself against the railings, I pulled and Jon pushed and, eventually, we had the bench balancing precariously on the top of the fence. Then Jon climbed over and I dropped the bench on him.

Ooops!

After moaning and groaning for a bit, Jon got up and we continued our journey. Only now we were out in the open and had to be careful. So we crossed the road and entered the park. Now for some reason we were now doing an exaggerated cartoon style of sneaking. You know the one - the one where you lift your feet up too high as you sneak for cover to cover. Would have worked too if we weren't giggling like paedophiles at playtime.

After a while this got too much for us so we put the bench down, sat on it, and rolled up a fat one.

Good move Legless. Now you're pissed *and* stoned and you're trying to carry a monsterous bench.



And so we continued on our way.

Eventually we left the park and had one more road to cross before we were safe in the bowels of Hulme. A place where no copper dared tread. So we made another cartoon scurry across the road and made it to the other side when we saw the headlights of a car approaching.

"Quick" said Jon " Sit on the bench and act nonchalant"

So we did and the car passed without stopping. Safe.

Then I heard a crunch-crunch of feet on frosty grass behind me. I looked back and, oh bollocks. It was a copper. On his own, on foot, in the middle of bloody Hulme. This was one for the books.

Now I was too drunk, stoned and tired to run. He would have grabbed us in a heartbeat.

"What you got there" says the copper

"Err - shine your torch on it" I said. "Ah it's a bench"

"And where did you get it from" says the copper

"I've just pinched it" I said "From the university"

"It's a prank" chimes in Jon helpfully.

Copper looked at the bench again. Looked at me and Jon giggling helplessly, shook his head and walked away.

"I don't fucking believe this" he muttered.

Neither did we.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 13:07, 24 replies)

He may have
made a quick analysis of the probability of getting two pissed and stoned students to take it back, and then gone to build a snowman in hell as it's less bother.

Did you get it home? It is a pretty genius thing to steal, as you can have a rest on the way, as you said.
(Bearded Whumpus In chav Britain, schoolgirl offers sweets to YOU!, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 13:21, closed)

brave man
that copper was!!! In Hulme.....on his own?!?!?

brave, brave man
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 13:29, closed)

Is it technically shoplifting
if you don't actually steal it from a shop?
(LordMatthius http://www.justgiving.com/marathon-matt2009, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 13:33, closed)

I just like the way you said you got muntered
a couple of friends and I swiped a large cast iron chair from the Imperial in Exeter and had to carry it a few miles back to the house.

We all did our part until the other two decided that they wanted to also take a large rock we found on the way. I left them to it.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 13:43, closed)

Theory
Our theory was that it was his first night on the job in Hulme and he'd been sent out, on his own, as a joke. We also suspected that he knew this and thought we were another part of the windup.

And this question is about lifting so I read it as any theft related stories apply

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 14:29, closed)

What about the children
I cannot believe you carried a bench down a busy footpath whilst intoxicated on both alcohol and illegal narcotics without wearing a helmet or with the proper insurance.

You could have hit a small child in the face and really hurt them. Not only were your actions dangerous they were thoroughly irresponsible. I'm disgusted with said copper for not charging you with being in drunk in charge of an offensive bench without a licence.

Right, i'm off to buy my eggs from the farm next door.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 17:01, closed)

Thievery
Kids: thievery is never good. In this instance, Legless got away with it because, well, not all cops are absolute prats. However, we ALL know Legless absolutely HATES coppers, so make sure, next time you steal anything, that you have a motorbike on which to make your escape. Preferably with at least an 8ft long trailer. And a forge bill of sale.

Thanks Legless. Another good one! You Thieving/cop hating bastard.
( Citadel Because the world needs less morons, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 17:38, closed)

You didn't swear at him and give him attitude?
And he let you off? Shocking!

But maybe he wasn't a copper at all. You should have asked to see his fucking warrant card.
(Musuko, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 20:27, closed)

Oh Jeez
Give it up Musuko! Legless is class and his stories make a lot of people laugh. Pull your head out of your arse long enough to think up your own story for a change.....
(Lord Blumpy is mildly off-topic on, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 20:38, closed)

Stalkers
Yup. We all get them. Mine is Musuko, a pervert who enjoys being caned. Wonder what his workmates will think if that.

You see, Brain Of Britain here keeps posting from work and, sooner or later, one of his Sys Admins will check the logs, see these posts and put two and two togethet.

Some come on laddy, you keep stalking me and I'll keep mentiong what a pervert you are.

Alternatively you could click *ignore* then we'll both be happy.

And did I mention that you're a pervert?
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 11 Jan 2008, 1:10, closed)

Hmmmmm
Why are you assuming the pervert has a job? It sounds like he has his hands full dreaming of being caned and being a pain in the arse on B3TA
(Lord Blumpy is mildly off-topic on, Fri 11 Jan 2008, 3:24, closed)

Well...
He *claims* to work on an IT Helldesk. Then again, he also claims to have worked in a children's nursery which is quite worrying.

A self-confessed sexual deviant working with children. *shakes head*
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 11 Jan 2008, 5:39, closed)

Put your redtop away Legless.
It's not illegal, and you can't be fired for it (unless you do it in the office or something). This isn't America, you know. :P

For the record, helpdesk currently (though not one that deals with the public), nursery in the past. And no, I didn't leave for any reason like that.

But top marks for keeping track of what I've said about myself in my posts, Legless. Anyone would think *you* might be stalking *me*.
(Musuko, Fri 11 Jan 2008, 11:45, closed)

Helldesk
Ahhh....helldesk. Why did I not guess? The choice mix of minor sociopathic tendencies and chronic lack of interpersonal skills should have screamed it....I must be getting old..... or I did too many stupid and dangerous things as a kid.
(Lord Blumpy is mildly off-topic on, Fri 11 Jan 2008, 15:19, closed)

Getting Old
.....and I forgot to mention pervert in my last response....
(Lord Blumpy is mildly off-topic on, Fri 11 Jan 2008, 15:19, closed)

Edit button, Blumpy.
Lovely, lovely Wikipedia:

"The essential feature for the diagnosis is a pervasive pattern of disregard for, and violation of, the rights of others that begins in childhood or early adolescence and continues into adulthood" (Sociopathy/ASP).

Huh. I thought I was getting stick for arguing against that sort of thing.

Ruining someone's day by soaking their carpet with piss seems to match the description more, eh Blumpy?
(Musuko, Fri 11 Jan 2008, 17:04, closed)

Dour.....
Musoko, I think I'm falling for you. After all, I think you crave the attention, and I can supply it. Plus, when we start our new life together, perhaps I can show you how to make friends and avoid coming across as a humourless and witless drone.

You see, dear Musokiplops, I know about the edit button, but that would take the fun out of the post. After all, this site is meant to be about FUN, not about projecting the personality of the gormless lovechild of Esther Rantzen and Lord Runcie. Why try to take the moral high ground, rather than post for the amusement of others?

I'm glad you did your homework on me, my lovely Mussucky. I doubt anyone ever thought highly enough of you to slide piss under your door - but don't be sad - you seem to have all the piss you need. And vinegar, for that matter.
(Lord Blumpy is mildly off-topic on, Fri 11 Jan 2008, 17:20, closed)

@Blumpy.
Your petnames for me make me tingle like only a Frankspencer story could.

Unfortunately, I've already exeeded my share of Canadian lovers, so I must spurn you, though it pains me mightily to do so. It would be unfair for me to monopolise another Canadian during such a shortage of likeable North-Americans. I must think of others. *sigh*
(Musuko, Fri 11 Jan 2008, 18:03, closed)

Musoko -
resorting to feeble and mildly bigoted quips about North Americans shows you to be a less than likeable and narrow-minded little prig. I have no time for trash like this. *ignores musoko*
(Lord Blumpy is mildly off-topic on, Fri 11 Jan 2008, 18:37, closed)

Huh.
He didn't like being called "North-American". I forgot Canadians don't like that.
(Musuko, Fri 11 Jan 2008, 18:43, closed)

Musuko
Or Ben. I can call you Ben can't I? I think Benjamin is so formal.

The web is amazing isn't it. A couple of clicks and I have your email address, another couple of clicks and I have your photobucket account (you look so *darling* in that tux. But lose the leathers - they make you look gay. - oh. right)

So now I have your name, where you went to uni , e-mail address and sundry other facts. With that it's simple to find your address (the electrol role is your friend).

Of course, I had to find you on Facebook. That was easy. And the results didn't surprise me.




So do me a favour. Put me on ignore. I don't like being stalked. Or do I have to post up pictures of you in your tux with those crappy glasses? Or do I have to do more digging through your seedy little life?

Oh - and anyone who wants to see what this pervert looks like, gaz me.....

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Sat 12 Jan 2008, 1:55, closed)

*shrugs*
Yes, that photo is crap. It's also years old. I don't look quite so hideous now. Though, you didn't seem to like the more recent pictures of me in the leathers, so perhaps you think differently. :P

I tried facebook, couldn't make head nor tail of it, gave up. Hence the empty and unused profile. But go ahead and assume that the only way I could possibly have any friends is if I list them online.

Replying to your posts isn't stalking, Legless, but scouring the internet to find personal details about someone is. You need help. Seriously.
(Musuko, Sat 12 Jan 2008, 18:33, closed)

Benny No Mates
Nice work Legless - did you really need to look on the internet to determine that this bloke has no mates? (He'll need to have the last word with this too, but I can't see his slapped arse teenager replies anymore....)
(Lord Blumpy is mildly off-topic on, Sat 12 Jan 2008, 23:54, closed)

You're Right Blump
Ignore is my friend so on the list he goes.

Mind his last post says the reason he doesn't have any friends on Facebook is that he couldn't work out how to use it.

Some IT genius eh? God help the helpdesk he works on.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Sun 13 Jan 2008, 1:18, closed)