I watched my mate bum my other mate IN THE ARSE
Over a decade ago, after giving up actively trying to off myself and instead taking to drown myself in gin, [I know, I know: boo hoo hoo] it naturally followed I should acquaint myself with others who also thought naught of breakfasting on cornflakes and vodka. Two of these were called Kev and S******. Workmanlike names for two eccentrics. S****** had an obsessive fixation with the Sex Pistols and Kev was, well, he was Kev.

We were sitting in Kev’s flat. He’d rented if from a Russian émigré – it was bedecked with crushed red velvets, had a dead tiger skin by the fire and a four poster bed. Because of the cold, and the tedium of the gas board, we were in his bedroom, huddled around the gas heater. Because we were us, we were drinking so much that only the smoke from the high tar cigarettes was keeping us afloat.

I can’t quite remember how it started, but I remember kissing Kev for a dare. It wasn’t pleasant. As I ran my hands up his face, and my tongue explored his mouth (“In for a penny”), I was perturbed by stubble and the faint but all too tangible taste of burped up lager. After the kiss, Kev dared S****** to kiss him. Which S****** did.

“Alright then” said S******, as easy as the first drink after the first drink. “I bet you wouldn’t suck my cock though!”

Now, Kev never backed down from anything – which is why he is dead. Kev got on his knees.

“Jesus” I said. I remember that I said “Jesus”.

Kev took S******’s cock, tugged it a bit and put it in his mouth. It was like being on the wrong set of a bad porn. I could see his head move. When he took it out, of course I looked. S****** was not hard. He looked bored.

“Impressive” said S******. "But you wouldn’t..."

“Jesus” I thought

“You wouldn’t dare fuck me, would you." So, with a sigh, Kev pulled down his jeans. He was not aroused.

“This is odd” I thought as, ever the gentleman, Kev turned away to try to get hard. He couldn’t, so we had a laugh about it and my girlfriend took him in her mouth.

“At least I’m not a tourist in life” I thought “Everyone hates a tourist, eh Jarvis” Then Kev fucked S****** in the arse. It was a workmanlike performance. The grunting and panting reminded me of Wolverhampton Wanderers. They sounded like a Second Division defender, diligently tracking back. The ashtrays looked like burst explosions. The gin looked as sweet as broken glass. And that’s what I looked at. That's what I looked at, as I tried not to hear them.
“Fuck, this is grim” said Kev.
“Want to be where I am” complained S******.

At this point I noticed my girlfriend had gone quiet. I could see the way she was drawing on her cigarette. I could see the way, and I didn’t like it at all.
(sirolimus, Thu 1 Nov 2007, 14:54, 14 replies)

That was utterly repugnant!
And rather distressing as well.
(Vic Flange, Thu 1 Nov 2007, 14:58, closed)

That is probably the seediest thing I have ever read
and i've read Irvine Welsh books.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Thu 1 Nov 2007, 15:00, closed)

Just
Wrong
( Trollman, Thu 1 Nov 2007, 15:10, closed)

Umm
Eh?
(SawnOff Leg or Shotgun?, Thu 1 Nov 2007, 15:20, closed)

Brett Easton Ellis hits b3ta
And not in a good way.

*boilk*
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 1 Nov 2007, 15:23, closed)

Barf.
Christ that's just so wrong.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Thu 1 Nov 2007, 15:35, closed)

...
I'm at a loss for words on this one.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 1 Nov 2007, 15:52, closed)

hmm
you don't get many of those to the pound
(Halfy By light alone, Thu 1 Nov 2007, 15:55, closed)

At the risk of sounding pedantic (and God knows we've got enough pedants on the boards)
Is there anywhere else you can bum a man? Other than the arse?
(Pavlov's Frog figures no-one really reads sigs anyway, Thu 1 Nov 2007, 16:44, closed)

It reminds me of the book Leonard Cohen wrote
Beautiful Losers.

Apart from the "bumming him in the bum" bit, really nicely written.
(0800221155 Coldseal windows, Thu 1 Nov 2007, 18:50, closed)

omg


can someone tell me if this gut is for real?
(papa bouba slap your face, Thu 1 Nov 2007, 23:48, closed)

haha
are you just searching erotic story sites with the key terms of the QOTW? Or, if you're making it up, you utterly strange human
( morrybyte made a subtle namechange at, Fri 2 Nov 2007, 0:36, closed)

I don't believe a word of it ...
... but it still gets my click!
(pitarou, Fri 2 Nov 2007, 20:35, closed)

Nice one
Nice work. One of the freakiest tales on b3ta. Bound to make the front page.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Mon 5 Nov 2007, 7:39, closed)