Working as a waiter...
Customer: "How big is the ten-inch pizza?"
Me: "About ten inches."
*cue laughter from the rest of the table, hopefully at him*
(feels_goodman 's brain cogs whirred at, Thu 25 Mar 2010, 12:42, Reply)

i work
in a specialist clothing (it's quite specific so i won't mention what exactly we sell) shop in a somewhat inbred little mill town somewhere in the north west. I shouldn't really have to elaborate beyond that, but at least 3 times a week I have this telephone conversation:

"Hello "
"I'm looking at one of your items on eBay. Can you tell me what size I'll need?"
(...ok...)
"What item is it sir?"
"A jacket."
"We stock approximately 200 styles of jacket sir."
~wavy lines whilst customer bothers arse to find stock code~
"It's X. Can you tell me what size I'll need?"
"Yes sir, what are your measurements?"
"Well, I'm quite big..."

This can and has run for up to 30 mins before now. Sigh.
(hypnoticme is an anarcho-syndicalist commune, Thu 25 Mar 2010, 12:41, Reply)

My friend
thought "disgruntled" meant having your pig stolen.

What a fucking cunt.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Thu 25 Mar 2010, 12:34, Reply)

As a child, I couldn't recall where I'd heard "Deuteronomy".
So naturally I assumed it was some sort of medical procedure.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Thu 25 Mar 2010, 11:21, 2 replies)

Putting the world to rights
Victoria line train from Brixton one morning. Two shellsuits and lager are having a discussion about the state of the nation. Sat next to them is a City bloke straight from central casting - Financial Times, pinstripe suit etc. He's reading the paper but is clearly also fascinated by the debate that's taking place. The discussion goes as follows:

Shellsuit 1: "You know what this Europe thing is all about, don't you? It's the fucking Germans wanting to control everything."

Shellsuit 2: "Yeh."

Shellsuit 1: "I'll give you an example. Where is the capital of the European Parliament? It's in Brussels...Germany."

Shellsuit 2. "Here, hang on. Brussels is in Belgium."

Shellsuit 1. "Is it? I did not know that [long pause]. Anyway, Blair can stick it up his fucking arse."

Man in pinstripe suit looks on in amazement, shakes his head and goes back to reading his paper.
( ThisCaledonianClown has left it far too late, Thu 25 Mar 2010, 11:12, Reply)

Read any internet messageboard
on any day ever.

You'll find at least 3.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Thu 25 Mar 2010, 10:59, 2 replies)

The Cock of ignorance

(Richard Earl of Cambridge Cruel, Savage, Thu 25 Mar 2010, 10:56, 6 replies)

Overheard conversation makes for a year of laughter
Strolling to the pub, chatting away with a friend, another mate of ours gets a phone call from someone already in the pub.

"yeah, we're en croute now"

I almost died with laughter at the thought
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 25 Mar 2010, 10:54, Reply)

A friend of mine once told his housemates about a hilarious story he'd seen on the internet
Craig: 'Guys did you see that thing about that bloke that was caught looking as scampily clad women at work?'

Housemate: 'Were they dressed as prawns then Craig?'

Craig: 'NO! Scampily clad'
(Richard Earl of Cambridge Cruel, Savage, Thu 25 Mar 2010, 10:50, Reply)

A few months ago
I was merrily strolling down the street in Exeter listening to some music when I was stopped by a couple of attractive Asian females. Students at the university was my assumption.

As I divested myself of headphones, they asked me for directions to the Odeon.

Turning round to show the way I sniggered somewhat, and pointing to the building about 50 metres away I said "you see that massive building with Odeon written on it in huge letters?"

They looked mortified. I was amused.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 25 Mar 2010, 10:48, 2 replies)

Take a look out of the window
Year ago, my mate Rich and I were regulars at the Greyhound, where we'd play pool and drink beer. A great boozer - the kind of place where they'd be pouring your pint as soon as they see you at the door if you've been there more than twice. Anyway, one summer evening Rich is beating me hollow at the pool table, as he was wont to do, when a backpacker-looking bloke staggers in, clearly shattered after a long day travelling and lugging all his worldly goods around on his back.

He took a good few minutes to unload his rucksack, sleeping bag, then take off his kagoule, etc. Meanwhile all eight or ten of us in the pub (it was a weeknight) were watching in that friendly way people do when they're regulars and you're not.

It turns out he's American. "Say, you have a notice outside saying you serve food all day?" he drawls.

The barman, who's a bit of a wag, says drily "Take a look out of the window. It's dark." The kitchen's still open for business, he's just taking the piss.

Backpacker bloke sighs heavily, then starts putting all of his gear back on, one piece at a time, then turns on his heel and staggers off into the night. Serenaded by gales of laughter coming from the pub.

I'm not sure whether the tourist was the ignorant one, or the barman, but man, it was funny!
( shinyshinyscalp less a man, more a way of life, Thu 25 Mar 2010, 10:46, Reply)

Might as well admit to my own...
I got a data tablet for my 21st birthday. It's lovely beyond belief. It also took me over two hours to set up, with many a curse word and cry of "why won't it work?!?!?" (Yes, I can pronounce that much punctuation in the real world.)

After downloading fresh drivers, poking it with a stick, pleading with it to work and so on, my mum checks the AAA battery in the pen. It turns out that it was wrapped in film and I'd forgotten to take it off.

Works fine now though. ^_^
(Sivvus trolley collision in the fruit aisle led to a jam, Thu 25 Mar 2010, 10:38, 2 replies)

Asking stupid questions:
I remember enjoying a short 1980s NME album review which opened in roughly the following form:

'There are two impulses to which mere humans must always succumb.

One is the response to a friend's complaint that they have lost their watch, to which the reply is always, 'Oh, where did you lose it?'

The other is the urge to laugh at the Ian Gillan Band.'

Outstanding music journalism, there.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Thu 25 Mar 2010, 10:34, 3 replies)

It's probably late enought to slip this one in here...
... without my girlfriend who reads b3ta seeing.

We had not long started going out and one of the pleasant side effects of this was that we were still exploring each others homelands and the pubs which we otherwise wouldn't have visited. It was my second visit so I had sort of discovered my way around, at least the two streets nearest Leamington station.

On the way to the last pub before I should really have been getting back we realise we have both run out of money.

"Don't worry" says I "That corner shop has a cash machine in. I was in earlier whilst waiting for you. It'll charge you, but better than walking up to the top of town"

Naturally still wanting to give the impression of courtesy I let her go first and wander off to look at the Haribo. Which is ridiculously priced. And the magazines, the only interesting ones of which would definitely have given the wrong impression to a new girlfriend. And the cakes, which will not go well with beer. And... This is taking some time thinks I, so I go to help seeing her face as a picture of concentration...

... trying to force a pound coin into the card slot and 25 pence still in hand.

Naturally courtesy dictated I put the card in for her and let the screen enlighten to as to her mistake rather than mock.
At least until we were out of the shop.
And for the next 15 minutes or so.
(Lot9H, Thu 25 Mar 2010, 10:29, 1 reply)

Work
I work in Edinburgh on Princes Street. I am worried by the frequency of people in summer (from all over the world) who ask where the castle is.

It's impossibly to explain without making them sound stupid, because the answer is basically 'THERE! FUCKING THERE! THE BIG CASTLE SHAPED OBJECT YOU CAN SEE FOR MILES AROUND THAT STEVIE WONDER IS SITTING POINTING AT AND GOING "HELL YEAH, THAT'S A CASTLE BITCH". THERE!'

Once I got the reply 'But that doesn't look like a castle,' from an American. They insisted on looking at one of our guidebooks to double check this. They had their own guidebook, but they bought it in Glasgow and they apparently thought that it might be an elaborate hoax. So I showed them the picture of the castle from the same type of guidebook that they had bought in Glasgow, and told them how to get there.

Oh and someone phoned up yesterday who didn't know how to go back a page on his Internet Browser, then thought we disconnected him when we put him on hold, despite my use of the phrase 'We're putting you on hold.'

Thank god for the mad smiling Frenchman yesterday who was so nice he offered to pay for the cost of the phone call we made on his behalf.
(thePontificator, Thu 25 Mar 2010, 10:12, 9 replies)

what's the code for...?
Older readers may fondly recall the days when the 01 national dialling code was introduced. While most cities just added 01, Leeds was changed from the old code 0532 to 0113, and Leeds numbers went over to the 4-3-4 format.

There was a common misconception that the new city code was 01132, which was not right, because part of the reason for the change was to allow a whole new set of numbers starting '0113 3xx'.

For most people, that's a fairly geeky and arcane point. But at the time, I was working for a Leeds firm that needed a customer database. The boss wanted an autodialler for the phone numbers in the records, and since most of the phone numbers were Leeds, wanted the area code to automatically fill in the Leeds code.

"OK, so that field will say 0113"
"No, the Leeds code is 01132"
"Actually it's 0113, the 2 is part of the local number now."
"The Leeds code is 01132."
"No, you see, eventually there'll be 0113 3 numbers added..."
"THE LEEDS CODE IS 01132!!"

...It was set up as 01132.

It's not the ignorance that was so depressing, but the dogged insistence that she was right.

I hope, I really hope, it caused a lot of trouble when the 0113 3 numbers came in.
(North Utsira South Utsira, Thu 25 Mar 2010, 9:43, 4 replies)

My GF last night came up with a good one
I have a Hamster - aptly named 'Hammy'

We were putting food in its cage but Hammy couldnt find it, I told her he probably couldnt see it, they have poor eyesight because they are nocturnal.

"Shall we turn the lights off then?"

I gave her a minute to realise what she had said...
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Thu 25 Mar 2010, 9:09, 8 replies)

Little Britain

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 25 Mar 2010, 9:06, 4 replies)

Final one from me this week...
My ex-wife, when I asked her if she fancied going to the pub, as my mate had just phoned and said a few people were having a few afternoon pints:

"No, I've got enough friends of my own already that I'm too busy to keep in touch with!"

My ex-wife, when were splitting up:

"I don't know any of your mates..."

The first one qualifies on its own, I reckon; the second one though... words really do fail me O_o
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Thu 25 Mar 2010, 8:59, Reply)

Actually, this one was me
Boarding an Easyjet flight to Amsterdam, I unexpectedly saw a friend of mine taking her seat a few rows back.

"Blimey, Mia, what a surprise seeing you here? Where are you off to?"

"Amsterdam..."

About five rows of people simultaneously muttered the word "twat" under their breath. They had a point...
(Rakky (forgot her password) The muffin maverick, Thu 25 Mar 2010, 8:39, 8 replies)

a friend of mine (fellow physics student)
has several quite frankly idiotic theories.

1. there is a counter-earth on the other side of the sun in the same orbit as us. why can't we detect it? it has an "antimatter shield."

2. light can get tired. this pretty much speaks for itself.

3. in 2012 the aforementioned counter-earth will declare war on us.

4. the hubble space telescope isn't real, and all images from it are photoshopped.

personally, I think I should begin to mine his stupidity and sell it to B-movie writers.
(venort apparently exists, Thu 25 Mar 2010, 6:56, 6 replies)

I spent a long time trying to explain to my ex mother in-law that
the moon didn't generate light of its own and her repeated use of the phrase "it's all pigs and troughs" didn't quite make sense, (this is rural Kent)

However, the worst case of terrible ignorance I've ever come across occurred in the late 80s. Although I was at primary school at the time, we had already learned about the oppressive apartheid regime in South Africa and I like to think I was aware of it, albeit a tad naively at the time. I overheard this in a supermarket fruit & veg aisle... two middle aged women...

Woman 1: "ere, you don't wanna go buying that South African fruit!"

(I assumed, for a millisecond that this was a conscientious attempt to support the ANC in boycotting South African exports, as most of the UK was at the time)

Woman 2: "yeah, you're right, think of those horrible black hands all over them"

She put down the grapefruit she was holding and continued shopping...

Clearly they both assumed that the UK was sanctioning and boycotting South African imports and exports because we were just as racist, if not more so.

I haven't posted for ages and I hope this is acceptable as a qotw reply, I'm simply quoting something I heard which still makes my jaw drop in abhorrence to this day.
(Nick_Toznost, Thu 25 Mar 2010, 5:28, 4 replies)

Many moons ago
I went for a job interview at a small company run by a middle-aged Indian man (I ended up working for him for nigh-on ten years, but that's by the by). That evening I was recounting the course the interview took to my then better half:

Me: "So when I went in, his wife offered me a cup of tea, and..."
BH: "Tea? I didn't know they drank tea!"
Me: "So... where d'you think tea comes from then?"
BH: "..."
(WillI'mNot logs in twice a year, every year, Thu 25 Mar 2010, 1:16, 5 replies)

Coming into land on a Caribbean island, at night...
My sister: 'oooh the island isn't as big as I thought'
Me: 'it's dark, you can't tell'
Sister: 'but I can see the lights on the roads and buildings'
Me: 'what about the bits of the island which are just countryside?'
Sister: 'but you can see how big the island is by the lights...'

and so on. I don't think even now she can grasp the concept
(Scary, Thu 25 Mar 2010, 0:51, Reply)

Doof doof doof!
This one is about a good mate of mine, real audiophile and heavily into his car stereos.

He had spent a good deal of time and money (equal to the GDP of a small country) on car audio equipment.
Being the meticulous bugger that he is, it took him several weeks to install, tune, and have his investment up and running to his liking.

One day he calls me on the mobile, voice quivering with excitement.

"Mate, I've finished it! I've bloody finished it! It sounds absolutely f'ing unbelievable! Listen!"

He then points his mobile phone in the general direction of his car, which is loaded with several 15 inch subs, about 4,000 watts of power and I'm sure is pumping out at least 150dB...none of which, I'm sorry to say, are able to make their way down the phone...at least not in a way which would do it any justice...

"Mate, *sob* isn't it amazing?!"
(DougQuaid Get ya azz to moars..., Thu 25 Mar 2010, 0:25, 6 replies)

Finishing with a late run....
I worked in a pub. There was food served at lunchtimes. We were famed (among other things) for our chicken curry, served with rice, chips and all the trimmings, classy joint this was. I was setting up before opening for lunch one warm and sunny Friday when the 'phone rang. The following happened..

"Good Morning, Frog and Nightgown*"
"Hello. Are you serving lunches today?"
"We certainly are madam, 12 'til 3pm"
"Are you serving the chicken curry at all? Only we did wonder, what with the weather being warm out, whether you would?"
"....Erm... yes, we're serving the full menu"
"Are you sure? I mean it's forecast to be another hot day today"
"Oh yes, definately got chicken curry, and all the other favourites on..You know that chicken curry's sort of from a hot country?"
"Is it? oh.. right. See you in a while then"
"Look forward to it, goodbye"

Bless...


*May not be the pub's real name....
(Beer Elf Thought this was like a campfire, anyhow, on, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 23:00, 3 replies)

A former colleague of mine does archive research for a large broadcaster..
.. she was once asked for 'footage of the Titanic sailing into New York harbour'
(Scary, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 22:51, 3 replies)

I used to work in The accomodation blocks for Birmingham University during my uni summer holidays, doing maintenance work to get the rooms ready for the new students to start.

One day I was in the office and took a call from the well-spoken parent of a soon-to-be student. It went something like this:


me: Hello?

parent: Ah hello there, my daughter moves into your accommodation shortly, but we were wondering, how long is Fresher's Week?

me: Erm, it lasts about a week, madam.

parent: Oh, err, ok! Bye!
*click*


Superb.
(NuFab, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 22:49, 3 replies)

Before departing for Glastonbury one year
my friend gave his bank card to his mum. It was before the days you would be able to get a cash machine there and he didn't want it in his wallet in case he lost it.

"Put that somewhere safe for me, until I get back please," he said.

So she stuck it to the fridge with a magnet for the weekend.
( Mystery_Bob, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 22:35, Reply)

In a Tesco Metro...
I heard a teenage girl shout across the shop: 'what do potatoes look like?'

(sorry for lack of length)
(Scary, Wed 24 Mar 2010, 21:59, 1 reply)