I cannot see
dirt, grime, dog hair, dirty dishes etc
( The Scrunt Wants a Dozen Pints, Sun 21 Nov 2010, 12:38, 1 reply)

My old mate Des can't
go anywhere without somebody knowing him.
(Redemption blamed it on the Bossa Nova since, Sun 21 Nov 2010, 11:21, 9 replies)

I can understand stuff.
I pick up an unfamiliar piece of equipment, and pretty much intuitively figure out how to operate it. This means that everyone thinks I know how to fix or operate just about anything. I can't, but equally I can't understand why other people can't see the blindingly obvious in front of them.

I'm crap at doing paperwork, or turning up early (or indeed on time).
(gordonjcp, Sun 21 Nov 2010, 9:19, 8 replies)

I can blow air
out of the side of my right eye. I take a breath, hold my nose shut and exhale; a small jet of air whistles from the inward side of my eye, which simultaneously waters. Not the most celebrated of party tricks, but it's mine and, as far as I know, unique.
( uncle bastard is twanging a dan moi, Sun 21 Nov 2010, 8:22, 4 replies)

if I wake up during the night
I can knock one off the wrist without waking Mrs SLVA. I have to go slow to not wake her up and it may take over half an hour. But the orgasm lasts about three times longer and is far more intense.
And it helps me sleep.
And yes I know I'm posting this at almost 4.30 but I've had my leg over earlier and am not up to it.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sun 21 Nov 2010, 4:31, 4 replies)

I can burrow
through an elephant.
( Vambo, Sun 21 Nov 2010, 2:11, 4 replies)

I hope someone can tell me this is normal
If i close my left eye and look around, everything has a red tint.
If I close my right, everything has a blue tint
I did mention this to a friend a while back and they said they didnt have that
I'm hoping their eyes are weird and not mine
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Sun 21 Nov 2010, 1:54, 11 replies)

I can make the armpit farting sound
with no hands
(mesoiam Quote unquote "ultimate belt", Sat 20 Nov 2010, 23:12, 3 replies)

3D ...
I can see in 3D - so bollocks to you Sony
(Biff..., Sat 20 Nov 2010, 22:40, Reply)

i can drink bacardi and coke through my nose
but only using a straw.
i can smoke through my nose, too.
both sting like a bastard.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sat 20 Nov 2010, 21:28, 10 replies)

Draco Rattus' Racial Feat - find random crap on the street once every d4 days!
I have the not-so-amazing but sometimes handy talent of finding stuff in the street. Ornaments, jewellery, money, furniture; chances are if it's been lost or abandoned, I will stumble across it and take it home with me.

Things which I have so far found and 'adopted' include:

- a set of 'Hare and the Tortoise' fridge magnets
- a 9ct gold ring
- a ceramic turquoise donkey that looks like it's on crack
- two bookcases, on two separate occasions
- a variety of brand-name pint glasses, e.g. Carling, Fosters etc.
- a fledgling blackbird, which survived
- a baby mouse (which later died - *sadface*)
- £100 in bank notes
- £40 in bank notes
- a DS game (which turned out not to work - boo!)
- various CDs which worked fine
- a variety of soft toys, including a small turtle and a duck in a hat
- a bag of books (left outside a charity shop after closing time, in the rain; I took them home to keep them dry, then took them along to the charity shop the next day)

I swear, I am going to turn into Mr Trebus when I'm older. Or maybe I'm already like him now. :|
(Draco Rattus ate all the pies on, Sat 20 Nov 2010, 20:34, 5 replies)

Snail Wrangling
I run snail races for fairs and parties etc.

Its called The Monopod Grand Prix

You start a race by shouting 'Ready Steady SLOW!'

Some snails really are naturally faster than others
(djlumpyrulesok beware of cousin Mosquito and his solo, Sat 20 Nov 2010, 19:08, 2 replies)

Bandits
I have the unswerving ability to feed every bean I have on me into a pub fruit machine after half a dozen sherberts. For some reason, the ones with Noel Edmands on hold a special attraction.

Fuck knows why - I never look at the things sober, but by about nine / half nine, the only way you can get me off the thing is with a crowbar.

You know when you walk in ten minutes after opening time, chance a quid and pull out fifty quid in pound coins in no time at all? You think 'some silly beggar must've filled this up last night', right?

It was me...
(Billy The Fish wants to gargle with Lucy Pinder's bath water, Sat 20 Nov 2010, 17:49, 2 replies)

I once ran over my own finger while skateboarding.
I was 24 at the time.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Sat 20 Nov 2010, 17:45, Reply)

I can tie a perfect Windsor knot without the use of a mirror.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Sat 20 Nov 2010, 17:42, 5 replies)

a bit shameful this one
but I've always had the ability to spot the potential for piss takery and being a delivery driver has afforded me the opportunity to indulge on many occasions . I remember one time when I was dropping some sandwiches off at a TV studios convincing some geeky ginger kid that I was a producer and getting him to do some freaky thing with his tongue .

It was ages ago , but looking back I think he was serious , still he's probably over it by now ...
( horace wimp needs more than 49 characters to fully express hi, Sat 20 Nov 2010, 16:42, Reply)

I have the ability
to fabricate lies about my body.

I also have a 10inch cock.
( dazbrilliantwhites has been meaning to change this..., Sat 20 Nov 2010, 16:03, 1 reply)

I can dislocate
My right shoulder without touching it.
( Bourbon Fox Bourbon is a moron, Sat 20 Nov 2010, 15:30, 4 replies)

I am really good
at growing body hair and then beautifully shaving it into complex artistic shapes.

Photo in replies.
( Mr Nerdy-Speccy-FuckNuts Ouchy ouchy wa wa!, Sat 20 Nov 2010, 15:25, 13 replies)

I can do that thing that Ralph Wiggum does in the episode of the Simpsons where Dustin Hoffman asks the class if they have a talent.
( PMGT -Bacon., Sat 20 Nov 2010, 15:05, Reply)

further to the lipstick comment further down...
I can put my makeup on with my eyes shut. Used to amaze a daft lass at the Bank I worked at. "How can you find your eyes to use your eyeliner/mascara with them shut?"..

er....because they've been in the same position on my face for the last 28 (now 39) years you dozy cunt.
( Sallyrsm, Sat 20 Nov 2010, 14:07, 1 reply)

Rubik's cube
I can solve the Rubik's cube in 6.77*

*decades
( stopmeandslapme Cometh the hour, cometh your mum, Sat 20 Nov 2010, 14:06, 3 replies)

Australian Overreaction
I live with a wonderful Australian woman whom I shall refer to from now on as Sheila (name changed as she is great and I don't want to embarrass her too much!). She has a remarkable talent for overreacting unnecessarily, as I shall demonstrate with the following two tales...

As Sheila lives in the cold grey damp tea-obsessed island known as England, and her family live in the relative paradise of Australia, she flies back and forth a fair amount. On one such flight back to the island that spawned Bruce Forsyth and cricket (one sadly seemingly more popular than the other), she had quite a long lay over in Singapore. So she decided to do some yoga on the roof. (I make no apologies for this, she has a PhD in English, what do you expect?) The roof with a cactus garden. With rather large cacti. The sort of cacti that would push you over and steal your lunch money, if only evolution hadn't cruelly deprived them of legs. She noticed the sign saying "Please do not touch the cacti". "Who would be stupid enough to?!" Sheila thought to herself as she finished her yoga session with a fluorish. A fluorish that resulted on her spearing her wrist on one of the large cactus spines that she had been warned not to touch. Apparently it was bleeding quite a lot, so instead of simply applying pressure, Sheila managed to convince herself that she'd nicked an artery and was now bleeding to death, or would bleed to death on the flight back to chav-ville. So she went to see the airport nurse. ..."I can put a plaster on it for you..." Needless to say, she didn't bleed to death or get blood poisoning.

For the next tale to make sense, we share a 2 bedroom flat on the ground floor of a block of flats in a *very* posh part of Cambridge. Recently, I went out with some friends to a Hallowe'en party. Sleepily and not entirely soberly trying to get back into our flat at 1am, I was somewhat irritated to find that Sheila appeared to have bolted the door and locked me out. Grumbling about the fact that she knew I was going out, I made to knock loudly on the door and wake her up and complain about her lack of reasonable memory when through the door came a panicked "Who is it?!". "It's me," I said as she let me in looking rather rattled. It turned out that she'd heard drilling coming from the hallway so instead of sticking her head round the door to see what was going on, she'd called the police and put on her shoes ready to climb out of the window as she had convinced herself that someone was trying to break in. When the police turned up (I had managed to remove my ears, tail and whiskers and was all ready to apologise for her) it turned out that one of our neighbours in the flat above had locked himself and called out a locksmith who was drilling out the lock. The police asked him for identification and proof that he lived there and then left without getting annoyed at Sheila, which was a relief. However, I still can't look him in the eye when I see him in the hallway, poor guy.

She also thought we might get radiation sickness from our smoke detector.

I have an extraordinary talent for saying the wrong thing at the wrong time but I thought I'd embarrass her and not me.

No apologies for length, 14 hours is the minimum.
(Petite chien is going to do science to it, Sat 20 Nov 2010, 13:41, 11 replies)

Self righteous
I can get out of bed in the morning, get to work on time, do my job and not cause any problems or cause shit.

AMAZING
(mymilkshakebringsallthemongstotheyard poison hearts, poison minds - joining hate, Sat 20 Nov 2010, 13:04, Reply)

My fingers can do some pretty crazy stuff.
I've cracked my knuckles for as long as i can remember. In all I can get 28 seperate 'cracks' out of each hand. Every knucle joint gives 2, one to the left and one to the right. beacause of this I have very flexible fingers. Without the aid of my other hand, I can make all four fingers of each hand bend backwards at about a right angle from the back of my hand (think palm flat on a table and fingers pointing up at the ceiling). With the aid of my other hand I can bend my fingers right back so my fingernails touch the back of my hand. That is all.
(horsethroat chewing on life's gristle on, Sat 20 Nov 2010, 12:48, Reply)

The incredible vanilla man
I've got no talents at all. I can hold a tune, but don't have much of a singing voice. I can draw OK, but not that well. My balance and coordination are better than spaz but worse than athlete. If I work really hard at something I'll struggle to be better than average, but as for your actual god given talent I have nothing, rien, niente, nichts, nada, niets, nildo.
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Sat 20 Nov 2010, 12:04, 2 replies)

Talents?
I can "count" a double deck of cards.

I am very good at pool. Not the shit 9-Ball american massive cue ball bollocks, but proper red/yellows pub pool. Mispent youth, etc, but has paid for many evenings out and one game for £250 in a pub in Liverpool. Never been in the England team, but won national/county stuff.

I remember routes/instructions/methods. If I go somewhere once, in a car/bus/train, I remember the exact route for the next time. If I read a recipe, I remember the weights, order to do stuff, what temprature to cook things etc. But I can't remember short term stuff like what I had to eat last night/did I watch Sherlock Holmes yesterday (but the weird thing is if I have watched it, I'll remember what happened, but not be able to "pair" it with when I watched it)

Not world shattering, but sometimes they can be useful!
(Strump striving for imperfection since, Sat 20 Nov 2010, 11:42, Reply)

I can pour perfect pints of anything behind my bar with a blindfold on. This may be less to do with any special talent and more to do with the fact that I have worked there for four years, but it usually gets me a pint bought when I demonstrate my super-ninja*-barmaid skills. I also experimented yesterday, and it turns out I can put my lipstick on using only my ladylumps, a la Breakfast Club. Aside from that, I am awfully and frustratingly ordinary.





*may be an exaggeration. I'm not actually a ninja, as much as I would like to be.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Sat 20 Nov 2010, 11:35, 1 reply)

I'm very good at preventing fights.
I have a handy knack for calming down people who are about to start hitting each other, and can generally persuade one side to leave without feeling offended.
( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Sat 20 Nov 2010, 11:25, 1 reply)

It has come to my attention lately
that I have the strange ability to appear drunk when I'm not.

I'm pretty much always the designated driver and have been for the last 10+ years so I've become reasonably practiced at socialising with drunk people while totally sober. I thought it was talent enough to do so "without being one of those dicks" (as my friend so nicely put it), but recently I've discovered more and more concerned people not wanting to let me drive home, thinking I'm one of those other dicks (the type that would drive home drunk). And it seems the more one protests, the more people disbelieve. It's quite frustrating at times. Luckily I now have enough witnesses to vouch for me that my car keys haven't actually been taken away yet.
(xanthine, Sat 20 Nov 2010, 6:43, 2 replies)