I can run a mile in under 3 minutes

( Two Hats I saw someone eating M&M's with a spoon, Thu 21 May 2015, 11:46, 2 replies)

I don't like horses.

(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Thu 21 May 2015, 11:38, Reply)

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD
can we PLEASE just all agree that 'he' has won, and just fucking move on with our lives?
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Wed 20 May 2015, 23:08, 27 replies)

My favourite trick, is that I can read emvee's posts without thinking he's a tragic loser.
Tell a lie... I've been practicing, but never quite got it to work!
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Wed 20 May 2015, 15:01, 14 replies)

Basically, I'm an idiot magnet

( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Wed 20 May 2015, 13:49, 38 replies)

If he's not in his forties then he must have had a hell of a life.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 20 May 2015, 12:25, 118 replies)

( Two Hats I saw someone eating M&M's with a spoon, Wed 20 May 2015, 10:51, 10 replies)

The Goat
In answer to this Question of the Week
I will make you gargle, drool and shriek -
For I am a poet,
And yes, I do know it,
But very rarely
Do I show it.
But now's my chance
So shit your pants -
Here's a poem what I wrote;
It's entitled thus: The Goat

***

The Goat

A goat stood
in a field
staring
at the cars on the motorway
as they zoomed past.
It was a sunny day.

Crows flew
in the sky
above the goat.
And in the field
daises grew.

A man in a car
on the motorway
on his way to a conference
driving fast
listening to Classic FM
and thinking about how he wanted to throw in his job and leave his wife and his kid and hang around the gay bars in his home town of Clowne (near Sheffield) because he was past 40 and life was making no sense
farted.

IT STANK.

But the goat
could not smell it
because it was far away
in the field
and the car was zooming fast along the motorway
getting farther and further away.

And the crows
could not smell it either
because they were flying high
in the sky
above the field
and the motorway
and the car was zooming fast along the motorway
getting further and farther away
and was soon miles away
where the man stopped at a motorway service station for a dump
and a cup of coffee
which cost £3.95
(the coffee that is, not the dump. That cost 30p)
(it's not called 'Cost'-a Coffee for nothing)
(except this was a Caffe Ritazza)
(Caffe Ripoffa more like)
(I mean, £3.9shitting5 for a carboard cup of crap coffee!)
and made him mutter ‘for fuck’s sake’ under his breath
but the girl behind the counter heard
and thought ‘fat cunt’
and later posted the incident on Customers Suck
and went out that night and got pissed and met a charming lad called Chuck
who had a job driving a truck
to Innsbruck
what a stroke of luck

BUT I SMELT IT
because I was
sitting in the passenger seat
next to the man
who farted.
(Oh the vagaries of hitch-hiking.)
And the girl was right –
he was a fat cunt
like Eric Pickles.
But flatulence was the least of his problems
as he told me at length.
If you’re ever in the gay district of Clowne
(near Sheffield)
you might see him trying
and failing
to drown
his sorrows.

(As it’s spelled Clown with an E
I thought it might be pronounced Clone
rather appropriately
in the circumstances –
so I checked
and it isn’t. It’s pronounced Clown.)

I abandoned him in Caffe Ritazza
and got a lift from a man in a Farm Foods van
who somewhat resembled
a pre-breakdown
Gazza.

(I know it’s probably pronounced Rit-AT-za
but, you know, poetic license?)

And the goat
still stood
in the field
staring
at the cars on the motorway
as they zoomed past.
With the crows
circling above.
And the daises
growing below.

It was a sunny day.
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Tue 19 May 2015, 21:25, 14 replies)

Waltz
I play Chopin's Waltz nr 1 in E flat major from memory whenever there is a piano available. If I don't have access to a piano I belch my way through Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture.
(Smale is stuffed, Tue 19 May 2015, 19:58, 3 replies)

Lots of numbers.....
My first computer job was on a dual Univac 1110 in a machine room with 40 tape decks (like in the old sci fi movies) and a 20,000 tape library. Above each deck were Chi-Lites (oddly named the same as a soul band of the time). When a tape deck wanted a tape it would display the number wanted by that machine in format A1234B. As there was no possible challenge to the job, instead of writing them down and going to the library I reached the point, after 3 months, where I could scan and remember 6 tape ids, and go and get them. I now have empathy with disk heads. Sadly, today, I can barely remember 4 or 5 digits for long enough to use them. Happy days?
(jerrykew He who codes last, codes least, Tue 19 May 2015, 11:24, 4 replies)

the perks of having been a nerdy child
Working in advertising I once attended a meeting where our "creative director" suggested giving customers a discount on car deals if they can perform one of a set of impossible tasks at the dealership.

"Like what?", I asked.

"Well there's that little town in Britain with an incredibly long name that's basically just random letters thrown together. No one will be able to spell that without help! Wait, I'll google it!"

And so he did. I walked over to his desk, ran my fingers across his screen and pretended to memorize every letter. Then I walked away, put my hand over my eyes and started spelling:

"L - L - A - N - F - A - I - R - P - W - L - L - G - W - Y - N - G - Y - L - L - G - O - G - E - R - Y - C - H - W - Y - R - N - D - R - O - B - W - L - L - L - L - A - N - T - Y - S - I - L - I - O - G - O - G - O - G - O - C - H".

The idea was buried and he still calls me a freak to this day. I never told him that I had memorized that bitch as a kid, out of pure boredom during a family holiday in Wales.
( account88888 former cynic, converted to kindness, Tue 19 May 2015, 11:02, 1 reply)

( Two Hats I saw someone eating M&M's with a spoon, Tue 19 May 2015, 10:23, 33 replies)

I can drink a quart of monkey and still stand still.

(spacefart3000 Sporadic, at best., Tue 19 May 2015, 9:23, Reply)

I saw Vampires of Soho at InFest.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 18 May 2015, 21:50, 65 replies)

( Two Hats I saw someone eating M&M's with a spoon, Mon 18 May 2015, 15:40, 15 replies)

I can drink an awful lot of alcohol without having to take a piss
It's not really a party trick as such, as it's not the kind of thing people notice.
She stood there in her cocktail dress while Cumquat changed the CD while necking a bottle of Youngs. "I've been watching you all night", she breathed, "I love a man with a powerful bladder"
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Mon 18 May 2015, 9:02, 10 replies)

farting on command
i used to be able to inhale (is that the right word?) air in thru the bumhole, by lying on my back and contracting stomach muscles. then blowing out said air in various different fart types, rippers or clappers, dependent on bumcheek control. i discovered this by accident on NYE 1991, and was a regular party piece for ten years. we emailed 'Mister methane' and told him of my gift, and he said he only knew of one other who could do it. Les Dennis! my father would have got me out of bed if he had folk in on the drink to perform this, and my record was 24 single farts off of one inhale. anyway, i had to stop because i was showing the wife it cos she had heard, sucked in far too much air and was in agony for couple of hours, farting every 5 or 10 seconds, then i took a nose-bleed, then a panic attack. my sister found me on the bathroom floor curled in a ball, jaw and arms locked, covered in blood, farting like crazy. it was never mentioned again.
(terryhoosh remembers when this was all fields, Sun 17 May 2015, 23:45, 1 reply)

I used to have a rubber shlong
that when you squeezed the hand pump the shlong would expand and the helmet would poke out of the foreskin.
At parties I would strap the shlong to my leg so the head was just inside my trouser cuff. I concealed the hand pump in my pocket and sat in the corner patiently waiting for some innocent girl to glance my way.
(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Sun 17 May 2015, 15:43, 9 replies)

i can wiggle my ears
and fit my fist in my mouth.
i do have small hands, though.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sun 17 May 2015, 15:40, 6 replies)

I can shit the alphabet
if you give me enough time
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Sun 17 May 2015, 15:23, 4 replies)

I can sing the Glen Gregory and Carol Kenyon parts to "Temptation"
Pretty much pitch perfect for both and in the right places.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Sat 16 May 2015, 18:19, 3 replies)