The class divide
My Mum's family are pretty well off - professionals with big houses, 4x4s, that sort of thing - but my Dad was.. shall we say, differently moneyed. If you cunts met him in the pub you'd think he was a total dropout; never doing the same job more than a few months, always on the scrounge for change for a pint, would bend your ear on any subject but never really managed to actually be accomplished enough to settle into, you know, a career.

That didn't stop my Mum from falling completely in love with him, of course, which went down like burnt caviar with her parents. They took against my old man immediately and would make life as difficult as possible for them both.
I wasn't born yet but I've been told the stories of ambushing him with formal occasions just to watch him be refused entry to a posh restaurant because he didn't fit the dress code, or putting him on the spot at those godawful pretend "charity auctions" where people just waggle their expense account dicks at each other. Anyway, when they realised my Mum simply refused to break up with him they basically closed ranks and shut both of them out. They moved across the country to start out on their own, and although they couldn't afford it I was born about a year later.

Well wouldn't you know it, the cunt in-laws were right and my Dad fucked off when I was about 2; I've only seen him occasionally since then and I'm in my forties now. My Mum didn't forget the way the family had turned her out though and supported me alone, in a shit and decaying part of the country. I don't want to be too specific but when there's a cheese named after where you live, you know it's a shithole.

Anyway, every now and again the "family" would get in touch, or try to, asking after me, trying to make my Mum feel bad that instead of doing extra classes after school I was fucking around with a ball and my mates. They'd tell her we were welcome to come back any time... as long as my Dad wasn't involved. Looking back now, they didn't even know he'd left, but my Mum was way too proud to take up the offer, preferring them to think she was happy with Dad.

Meanwhile the area we lived just got rougher, you know what it's like when a whole town just gets passed over for any kind of positive investment.
Half the high street was shuttered; an unvandalised phone box was rarer than rocking horse shit. Generally you get on with it, and as a teenage boy I just sort of kept my head down and didn't let it bother me. But deep down I knew Mum was freaked out just a little bit more every time something happened. I wasn't going to be a shut in for her benefit so I made a point of being home when I said I would and managed to keep off the old Bill's radar by staying out of trouble.

I could always tell when Mum had had a letter from back home because she'd get really antsy, telling me I didn't appreciate what I had and accusing me of wanting to leave her. Looking back, it was a coping mechanism she was using to get her head around what she knew had to happen.

By the time I was 16 there were local gangs actively recruiting runners and vandals, kids who are only too keen to have an excuse to go smashing stuff up, literally at the school gates. Even some of my mates got involved. Eventually, of course, they didn't want to take no for an answer and on the way home I got jumped by four guys.

I managed to get away without being seriously hurt but when I got home my Mum freaked the fuck out and immediately sent me to live with my Auntie and Uncle in Bel Air.
( pineapplecharm D d M Y, H:i, Thu 13 Jul 2017, 14:19, 17 replies)

I fucked my mother-in-law

( $$ ✅, Fri 23 Jun 2017, 13:17, 2 replies)

one of my brothers in law in Brazil has macular degeneration of the eyes. I think he's down to about 30% vision in the one eye that still works
But being Brazil he still drives his big 4WD everywhere. Being in the passenger seat is both hilarious and frightening. He doesn't see roundabouts and just drives straight over them at speed. He reacts really late to anybody getting in his way, but still blows his horn and swears at them as if it was their fault. He's had several crashes. Possibly not unrelated to his vision he had an ex-employee steal cash from his house. The local police offered to find the guy in return for a small bribe. He thought they would rough him up a bit. Instead they killed him. It's a fun country, Brazil
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Thu 15 Jun 2017, 3:58, 2 replies)

Anal christmas
My mother in law once gave me an anal thermometer as a Christmas present.
The packet it came in already been opened and then sellotaped shut again.
(suckfake Frisky biscuits, Wed 14 Jun 2017, 20:37, Reply)

First post!
In your face Kaol (or whoever normally gets it)
( $$ ✅, Tue 13 Jun 2017, 15:15, 2 replies)

All this "Mike Lindup" and "dog tits" stuff is dumb for even your Talk/efforts
Show some respect to those who still have some time and love this place. If you don't like it then stop whining and feck off and leave us alone from your childish pranks.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 4 Jul 2017, 20:52, 8 replies)

Pearoast.
My ex in-laws had the strangest method of ensuring they knew the whereabouts of the TV remote control.

They kept it on top of the TV.

So, when they changed a channel, they'd have to get up out of their chair, go to the TV, change the channel, replace the remote on top of the TV and go sit down.
Thick as a whale omelette
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Thu 15 Jun 2017, 17:32, 11 replies)

Supersonic
I took my daughter and her boyfriend to the fleet air arm museum. Later that evening she gave her grandma (my ex-MIL) a call. "Hey Grandma" she says "me and Steve have been on Concorde".

"huggghhhhhh" says Grandma "I don't like cheap wine".

The same woman was a cracker - the ex-wife and I were walking home from the pub, and she spots her mum up against a wall down an alley, knickers round ankles, fag in hand, whilst some bloke (not her dad) presses against her having a knee trembler. "Just walk on and don't stare" says the ex-wife.........
( Piper Alpha is being a grumpy northerm bastard on:, Sun 18 Jun 2017, 8:41, 2 replies)

first serious boyfriend
after seeing him for 3 months, i finally met his mother.
she was sitting in a puddle of her own piss, biting huge chunks out of a block of cheese and mumbling incoherently in a drunken stupor.
can't help feeling i dodged a bullet, there.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sat 17 Jun 2017, 17:47, Reply)

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 19 Jul 2017, 19:27, 2 replies)

Look, I'm just going to say it
I've never heard of mike fucking lindup.

(My MIL is lovely so there is nothing to report there)
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 4 Jul 2017, 10:18, 3 replies)

My father-in-law once shit on a dogs tits

( Two Hats I saw someone eating M&M's with a spoon, Tue 27 Jun 2017, 15:16, 4 replies)

Ex-Mother-in-law
Every now and then, I like to check out the number of days since my former mother-in-law has posted something racist on Facebook.

Current record = 16 minutes.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Fri 16 Jun 2017, 15:40, Reply)

Sisters in Law
I shagged both of my sisters in law!
(Victor Victoria, Wed 14 Jun 2017, 16:02, 2 replies)

This one time, my father-in-law posted a new QOTW but it only got 11 replies. We don't talk about it.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 13 Jun 2017, 20:31, 3 replies)

Third!
My father in law died from pancreatic cancer
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Tue 13 Jun 2017, 15:26, 1 reply)