How to play

Each player puts their counter on the space that says 'start here'.
Take it in turns to roll the dice. Move your counter forward the number of spaces shown on the dice.
If your counter lands at the bottom of a ladder, you can move up to the top of the ladder.
If your counter lands on the head of a snake, you must slide down to the bottom of the snake.
The first player to get to the space that says 'home' is the winner.
( spanishfly is so fucking sexy people impersonate him, Tue 27 Jun 2017, 18:31, Reply)

My father-in-law once shit on a dogs tits

( Two Hats I saw someone eating M&M's with a spoon, Tue 27 Jun 2017, 15:16, 4 replies)

MIKE LINDUP UPCOMING LIVE APPEARANCES
DATE CITY VENUE COUNTRY
01 Jul 2017 Level 42 Exeter UK Let’s Rock Exeter, Powderham Castle
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08 Jul 2017 Level 42 Vig DK Vig Festival
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22 Jul 2017 Level 42 Perth UK Rewind Scotland, Scone Palace
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05 Aug 2017 Level 42 Capesthorne Hall, Cheshire UK Rewind North
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19 Aug 2017 Level 42 Henley-upon-Thames UK Rewind South, Temple Island Meadows
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09 Sep 2017 Level 42 Norwich UK Reload Festival
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Royal Norfolk Showground.
( $$ ✅, Sun 25 Jun 2017, 12:01, 2 replies)

My sister-in-law is quite a paradox
She is a Trump supporting, Palin loving, 'Murica first gun-totin' post-op transexual woman.

She's pretty badass though, she (when she was a he) flew Cobra helicopters in Vietnam. She also flew for Greenpeace, at times flying in the flight path of missile tests to (sometimes unsuccessfully) scrub the launch.
( gub~gub can't find the hummus, Sat 24 Jun 2017, 19:28, Reply)

I fucked my mother-in-law

( $$ ✅, Fri 23 Jun 2017, 13:17, 2 replies)

They say they're from Cheshire, but I know they're scouse cunts.

(Tugnut I got them all..., Wed 21 Jun 2017, 11:09, 7 replies)

Woman Hitler
Is an anagram of mother-in-law. This amuses me more than it should.
(Frank Einstein, Tue 20 Jun 2017, 21:30, 2 replies)

Supersonic
I took my daughter and her boyfriend to the fleet air arm museum. Later that evening she gave her grandma (my ex-MIL) a call. "Hey Grandma" she says "me and Steve have been on Concorde".

"huggghhhhhh" says Grandma "I don't like cheap wine".

The same woman was a cracker - the ex-wife and I were walking home from the pub, and she spots her mum up against a wall down an alley, knickers round ankles, fag in hand, whilst some bloke (not her dad) presses against her having a knee trembler. "Just walk on and don't stare" says the ex-wife.........
( Piper Alpha is being a grumpy northerm bastard on:, Sun 18 Jun 2017, 8:41, 2 replies)

first serious boyfriend
after seeing him for 3 months, i finally met his mother.
she was sitting in a puddle of her own piss, biting huge chunks out of a block of cheese and mumbling incoherently in a drunken stupor.
can't help feeling i dodged a bullet, there.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sat 17 Jun 2017, 17:47, Reply)

Take my mother-in-law,
I wish someone would!*

*(c) probably Les Dawson circa 1975
( social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Sat 17 Jun 2017, 8:50, Reply)

nasty mother-in-laws? Don't talk to me about nasty mother-in-laws
we had to tie a lamb chop around my mother-in-law's neck just to get the dog to play with her. Thank you. If you're the owner of a dark blue Astra please go to the carpark. Your lights are still on.
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Fri 16 Jun 2017, 23:02, 4 replies)

The only difference
between in-laws and outlaws is outlaws are wanted.
(StinkyCheeseMan, Fri 16 Jun 2017, 20:38, 1 reply)

Ex-Mother-in-law
Every now and then, I like to check out the number of days since my former mother-in-law has posted something racist on Facebook.

Current record = 16 minutes.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Fri 16 Jun 2017, 15:40, Reply)

Ex - Mum in law
Use to mispronounce various words; notably heigth = Height and Hearst = what undertakers drive. She also disliked blacks, except her black friend.

Edit. Also used to wear a dressing Gownd and shop at Mataland.
(kitescreech still here, Fri 16 Jun 2017, 11:29, Reply)

Pearoast.
My ex in-laws had the strangest method of ensuring they knew the whereabouts of the TV remote control.

They kept it on top of the TV.

So, when they changed a channel, they'd have to get up out of their chair, go to the TV, change the channel, replace the remote on top of the TV and go sit down.
Thick as a whale omelette
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Thu 15 Jun 2017, 17:32, 11 replies)

one of my brothers in law in Brazil has macular degeneration of the eyes. I think he's down to about 30% vision in the one eye that still works
But being Brazil he still drives his big 4WD everywhere. Being in the passenger seat is both hilarious and frightening. He doesn't see roundabouts and just drives straight over them at speed. He reacts really late to anybody getting in his way, but still blows his horn and swears at them as if it was their fault. He's had several crashes. Possibly not unrelated to his vision he had an ex-employee steal cash from his house. The local police offered to find the guy in return for a small bribe. He thought they would rough him up a bit. Instead they killed him. It's a fun country, Brazil
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Thu 15 Jun 2017, 3:58, 2 replies)

Nobody on b3ta is married, you fools.

(hiraeth SPACE £19.99. I say yer buy one yer get one free, Wed 14 Jun 2017, 23:27, 1 reply)

My father in law had the Forth road bridge temporarily closed so it wouldn't interfere with my Fife nuptials.
Could you afford that?
(dozers You big spazzer!, Wed 14 Jun 2017, 20:51, 3 replies)

Anal christmas
My mother in law once gave me an anal thermometer as a Christmas present.
The packet it came in already been opened and then sellotaped shut again.
(suckfake Frisky biscuits, Wed 14 Jun 2017, 20:37, Reply)

Sisters in Law
I shagged both of my sisters in law!
(Victor Victoria, Wed 14 Jun 2017, 16:02, 2 replies)

There's a weird bit in every family...
My direct in-laws are lovely, however there's a branch of the family who are a little weird.

When meeting their Niece's boyfriend for the first time, and whilst still engaging in pleasant small talk, the Aunt and Uncle said of their daughter, Alice.
"The doctors say it's only a matter of time before she hurts herself, or somebody else."

Some time later we all turned up to their son's wedding and there was Police warning tape all the way round the church. The first comment was "Wow! Alice has finally flipped!"

It turns out it was a drugs raid on one of the houses nearby. Alice spent the day as a model bridesmaid and the only murder was of a rendition "I will always love you".
( e.m.m.y. foxtrot uniform charlie kilo india tango, Wed 14 Jun 2017, 10:42, Reply)

My father in law
once filled the windscreen washer bottle in my car with two litres of stale piss.
Long story.
Sorry to move closer to the 11 replies mentioned below.
( insignificantsnivellinglittleturd I Like Peas, Wed 14 Jun 2017, 8:50, 2 replies)

This one time, my father-in-law posted a new QOTW but it only got 11 replies. We don't talk about it.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 13 Jun 2017, 20:31, 3 replies)

Third!
My father in law died from pancreatic cancer
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Tue 13 Jun 2017, 15:26, 1 reply)

First post!
In your face Kaol (or whoever normally gets it)
( $$ ✅, Tue 13 Jun 2017, 15:15, 2 replies)