My son heard a phrase at school...
...and didn't understand what it meant. Naturally, he decided that it meant to sit on someone, as he rarely admits to being wrong he decided that that must be what it means, rather than ask anyone. This lead to a wonderful moment when he returned to the room one day, and noticed that the cat had stolen his seat. We were treated to him shouting, very angrily, at the cat “MOVE, OR I'LL BUM YOU!”

He has since decided that “fisting” means “punching”, and often threatens to fist people.
(NoStrings Tastes like zombies!!, Thu 23 May 2013, 22:58, 7 replies)

Chopsnap! The pea is in the roast.
My niece, Sarah.
A few years ago we decided to take in my missus' niece as her fucked up junky mum was basically dragging her from doss-house to doss-house and score to score.
When we got her she hadn't eaten properly in a week or so, hadn't been to school in over a month and had probably spent a good deal of the previous months in the company of druggies, dealers, jailbirds and creepy peado cunts like Rory.

Unfortunately she ended up being cut from very similar cloth to her mother but that's another story. She ended up going back to live with her mum 2 years later when she went for a weekend visit (we'd only just got to that stage of trust) and her mum decided that now she wanted to take responsibility for raising her daughter. And that was that.
Before the barrage of "Did you try?"'s all we had was a spoken agreement with the mother and even with a legal-type piece of paper, any court here in Oz will generally favour giving the child to parents over relatives anyday.
Our house is more peaceful tho these days :|

But Sarah when she lived with us came up with some doozies. And they were real clangers. She is a real "stream of consciousness type of girl - she would say what she saw as she saw it.
Once while doing a spelling exercise she was trying to describe "fabric" - her quote was "that thing you chop-snap", we all looked at each other quizzically. Eventually we managed to figure out that she meant "fabric", that you can chop-snap. Apparently.
Chopsnap...

We were driving past some soccer/footy ovals (fields) and Sarah pipes up with "What's that white thing you're looking at?" to my missus. Que? We spent a few minutes asking her to describe them - "They were white & standing up.", "They weren't next to a house.", "They were used when you do that thing with the ball."
It took nearly 15 min. for us to figure out that my wife had glanced to the left where there were some soccer goal posts, painted white, long passed.

One day we happened to be driving by a McDonalds. Sarah happened to see it and shout out "McDonalds!". Everyone else in the car scrunched their brow and wondered "Wtf?"
So my missus asked "Do you mean that McDonalds?"
Sarah responds with "All of you all ever talk about is McDonalds, McDonalds McDonalds!"
Whaaa?

"What's that brown stuff you put in milo?"

"Is that your car?" - pointing at another white ute driving up the road whilst we are both sitting. in. my. car...

"Chopsnap" & "McDonalds, McDonalds McDonalds" remain today as terms we use to describe either something unknown or something done "over the top".

At the moment Sarah is residing with her maternal grandparents. Her mother is awol & has been for some months now - I'm sure if she dies or goes to jail someone will eventually contact us.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Thu 23 May 2013, 22:47, Reply)

I teach Reception,
for those not in the know that means 4 going on 5 years old.
Now my class are lovely, all of them are great kids and I hardly ever have to tell anyone off or raise my voice.
One day we were in the hall and the PE teacher had put up a selection of climbing equipment, including the blue bars. You know the ones, they fold out from the wall, all schools had them fitted in the late seventies. One of little girls, who is a really sweet girl, climbs right up to the top of the frame. The PE teacher and I are both near by and hear her stand at the top of the frame, at least 10ft up and say 'oh wank, how do I get down now?'

Oh, and a boy in nursery once told a colleague to 'fuck off you cunt'.
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Thu 23 May 2013, 22:42, 8 replies)

My sister
My sister was a lovely child, polite, well behaved, co-operative. However, much like myself suffers from an 'active', perhaps even an 'over active', imagination. I am nearly 11 years older than her, when she was about 4 she had watched the film Turner and Hooch.

Sometime during the days following we were at the play park and some older children started messing about on the little kids play equipment. My sister took it upon herself to sort this out. So, she shouted "I'm a cop dog, don't you know." and proceeded to bark at the older kids. We went home.
(Free pens 100, 101, 102 is still counting on, Thu 23 May 2013, 22:14, Reply)

Knock yourself out, folks.
badkidsjokes.tumblr.com/
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Thu 23 May 2013, 21:52, 24 replies)

My 3-year old son went through a period of threatening me
...with such gems as:

-I'm going to call you "beer" and throw you in the bin
-I'm going to send you away
-I'm going to bash you out of the window
-I'm going to put you on a bagel and eat you with salad (a particularly middle class threat)

and, my personal favourite:

-I'm going to threaten you
(InflammableHound may be recorded for training porpoises, Thu 23 May 2013, 21:33, 2 replies)

I'm not really a welder

(unclestinky, Thu 23 May 2013, 21:20, Reply)

kids
I was in the bath and I owed fucking loads to different banks
There was a knock at the door and i whispered to my 6 yr old boy if its the bailiffs daddy dont live here no more.

He answered the door and shouted

What I gotta say again Dad!!

Hes 29 now and I still hate him sometimes
(gooner045, Thu 23 May 2013, 20:38, Reply)

My grandson (who was 5 at the time) came home from school
and told me he had been learning about shapes.

"A hexagon has 6 sides" he says.
"Wow" I said, "How many sides has an "Octogon"
"I don't know" was his reply.
"8 sides" I said.
He paused and then came back with
"How many sides does a Mexican have?"

It kinda makes sense when you think about it.
(dirk speedrift Sit doon, Thu 23 May 2013, 20:00, 4 replies)

A Degree of Intelligence
Back in the dim and distant, I was undertaking the final dissertation for an Advanced Diploma. Handwritten, to be typed once completed, (pre Sinclair times) I was scribbling away at the dining table when the young Groover, aged about two, toddled in with a piece of paper and a bright green felt tipped pen. He kneeled up on the chair, put his paper on the table, took the top off his pen and, with his tongue poking firmly out of the side of his mouth, proceeded to draw a dozen or so green lines across the piece of paper.

"That looks interesting" quoth I "what are you doing?"

"Writing" came the succinct reply.

"Really" I said, "are you going to read it to me?"

I received that kind of askance look that only a two year old can give you, before he replied,

"Don't be silly. I'm not old enough to read!"
( The Lone Groover has mal des nuts., Thu 23 May 2013, 19:57, Reply)

Brains
My youngest son was in the bath, playing with his nut sack, as young boys are wont to do. "What as these, daddy?" he asked, touching his balls. I launched into an anatomically correct explanation, but afterwards he just said, "No daddy, they're brains" and would not be convinced otherwise. Well, my wife accuses me of thinking with my dick, so maybe he was right.
(Smale is stuffed, Thu 23 May 2013, 19:36, Reply)

I don't want to die daddy!
That horrible moment when your little poppet realises that not only are you going to die, but so are they. All of sudden life has gone from the best thing ever to endless march towards pain and death. Your only hope is that you’ll get lucky, outlive them and not have to be around to see their last gasping breath.
If that hope can’t be realised, please god, let their passing make an interesting qotw tale, I've run out of new dead children stories.
(ringofyre, Thu 23 May 2013, 19:03, 2 replies)

I hadn't thought of that
Returning home one clear winter's evening, I happened to be approaching my house just as the International Space Station was passing overhead. So I hustled my daughters outside to see it - it's quite an impressive sight, easily the brightest thing in the sky*, and moving with a steady, silent purpose.

As they watched, I explained that it was a real space station, and that people lived and worked in it, hundreds of kilometres up. I waited for the questions that must inevitably come from the enquiring minds of children... And sure enough:

"Daddy, how can it be a station if it's moving?"


* Yes, all right, apart from the moon and the sun. No-one likes a smartarse, you know.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Thu 23 May 2013, 17:15, 4 replies)

Kids: smarter than you'd think
I used to attend a weekly drama class. (SYT, if you're asking. And a Sailor Jerry & Coke while you're at it) Whilst it was mostly a pissing-around contest, we'd improv scenes as well and it was something to look forward to during exam season.

One day we did an exercise where one person is a king/president/some fucker who needs a bunch of people to follow him. For the sake of argument, let's say this person played a cheap Asda-own brand Moses and we were trying to get on his ark. (no innuendo intended, just a happy coincidence)

Everyone else took it in turns to demonstrate their worthiness to this person, talking about their own good deeds and such. (thankfully, you were allowed to just make shit up) The elected Moses would then decide if that person was worthy of a place and answer aye or naw. The only one I remember is when the lady who taught the drama class made her case.

Paraphrasing, it went as such. She saw the plight of the homeless - people without a roof or a family, living rough, begging for money - and that she had thought to herself "This is wrong!". (key phrase) She continues, talking about how she opened her doors to the homeless, eventually choosing to stay on the street herself so that more of the unfortunate could be warm at night, etc...

At that moment, one of the youngest of the class (no older than 9, methinks) pipes up "But you just said it was wrong?"

Mirth ensued. Even more mirth ensued when the teacher didn't get on the ark.
( Iki I think my camel is dead., Thu 23 May 2013, 17:10, 2 replies)

Shaved it off
When my daughter was about five, I decided to let my beard grow in while on vacaton. After a week or so, Smudgelet asked "Daddy, why haven't you shaved?" I said, "Thought I'd let it grow in for a while - what do you think?" After duly considering, she replied thoughtfully "You look like a toilet brush." Cue Mrs Smudge in hysterics and me off to the bathroom to find my razor.
(Smudge the Demon, Thu 23 May 2013, 17:08, Reply)

Brothers
Before I was yet to be a horrible drunken mistake with contraception my brother was about 3. Doing the weekly shop in KwikSave, the usual boredom of a supermarket, and an inquisitive mind led my brother, in the crowded alcohol aisle to proclaim quite nice and loudly, pointing to some hard spirit (insert your choice of tipple here) 'Thats the one I like isn't it mum!'

Mother didn't run out of the shop at all.
(feedingtimeatthezoo day 1 of his bikini diet started, Thu 23 May 2013, 16:59, Reply)

FIRST

(lolololololol TEAM SSG, Thu 23 May 2013, 16:48, 11 replies)

Does it count if it's written down? I'm sure he would have said it.
This is one my elder(ly) brother as a un-aged scallywag. Our gran had taken ill and was having a hospital visit. These being the days before the NHS realised she owned a medical dictionary and her diagnostic history was somehow in alphabetical order.

Being a kindly young fellow, bigus brotherus made our gran a card and presented it to our parents for delivery. All his own work, signed by him - at this point I was too young to sign it with anything other than vomit or drool.

I hear it was the usual affair; glitter, crayons, picture of a bed, probably a cat. We liked cats. Still do. And as tradition dictates, the front of the card bore the familiar phrase:

"GET WELL SOON"

"Aw how sweet" thought the parentals, as indeed you would.

My gran never received this card, however. The reason was that my Mum happened to look at the message written on the inside:

"HOPE YOU DONT DIE"

He really meant it, too.
( Iki I think my camel is dead., Thu 23 May 2013, 16:46, 3 replies)

Single question, double bigotry!
Might be roasting peas here, but it's been so long since I've posted that I can't remember doing it. Or the question. Or where I am. Who are you people?

Anyway, the story. Once upon a time, my aunt worked at a primary school. One day she's supervising the little chitlins when one of them comes up to her and asks:

"Miss... am I a homo or a paki?"

You can imagine the outrage that flashes through my auntie's mind in the moments following. She's already worked out the first half of the interrogation routine and mentally looked up the phone number of the child's parents.

Thankfully, being a Scot in a Scottish school, she translated the local patter into the Queen's and figured out what the child actually meant:

"Begging your pardon, madame, but would you happen to know whether I am marked down as a home lunch or a packed lunch?"

Darndest things, indeed.
( Iki I think my camel is dead., Thu 23 May 2013, 16:34, Reply)

Having lunch with my friend and her two kids the other day...
"I'm a froggy" says three year old Bella
"Oh aye? What animal is your brother then?" asks I
"He's a monkey!" she informs me
"Ha ha, OK, so what animal am I then?"

She ponders this for a minute or two, "Hmmm... you'rreeee, you arreeee.... A FUCKING ELEPHANT!"

I am gobsmacked and unable to even respond, the people around us look equally as shocked until her mother pipes up "AN AFRICAN ELEPHANT! Well, that's your favourite sort of elephant isn't it?!"
(bomb, Thu 23 May 2013, 16:22, 2 replies)

This quite literally in from my sister K about her 8yo daughter A:
A: Mummy, can I make you a gin & tonic?

K: That's very kind, but no thank you - I don't want one right now.

A: Then can I have one please?
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 23 May 2013, 16:21, 4 replies)

Me and my 2 year old were happily eating tea.
He's got to his 'afters', a nice bowl of blueberries (we're healthy in our house ya know). He was taking his time, building towers and trains out of them, so I start to get a bit impatient as it's starting to get late.

Me - Hurry up lad, finish ya blueberries.

he says nothing, looks at me, eyes slowly narrowing as if plotting something, a few seconds pass, no comments. I start to get nervous...

My Boy - Daddy, stand on one leg.
Me - Erm, no.
My Boy - Yes, like an Ostrich or Flamingo.
Me - No...

A few more seconds pass, more plotting is sensed.

My Boy - We will soon see.
Me - Erm... ok...

Thankfully he finished his blueberries and went to bed fine, but I'm still waiting for something to happen...
( Ya What Skiddlyboop, Thu 23 May 2013, 16:14, Reply)

"That's a big word for a six year old!"

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 23 May 2013, 16:02, 4 replies)

My niece, about 5 years old.
Being read the 3 Little Pigs story, she suddenly interrupted at the third repetition of "I'll huff and I'll puff"

"Why doesn't the wolf just open the door?"


Do I win a tea cosy and a signed photo of Daniel O'Donnell?
( Infidel , shit and wrong, Thu 23 May 2013, 16:01, Reply)

Pearoast from /ot the other week
On espying some burka-clad women in Marks and Spencer, my mate's littlest points and screams "NINJAS!!!"
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Thu 23 May 2013, 15:48, 2 replies)

Last night
usual fight with my 2 year old, who wanted to play trains instead of getting ready for bed. Lots of screaming and kicking, but pyjamas were eventually wrangled onto him.

Delivered to Mum for a last few minutes of playing before bedtime, she then takes him to say goodnight to his sister:

"Say goodnight to Ninny" (his nickname for her)

"g'night Ninny!"

"Say goodnight to Daddy"

Looks at me like I shit in his dinner, says "No, I don't think I need to do that".
(username failed moderation, Thu 23 May 2013, 15:41, 4 replies)

KILL IT, KILL IT WITH STICKS! OR LOGS IN HER CASE!
I got me a pig....
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 23 May 2013, 15:39, 6 replies)

When my
eldest was around 2-2 1/2, I was giving her a bath...she looked down at her chest, then at mine and said:
"Daddy?"
"yes?"
"when I get older, will I get boobs like you and mummy?"

I nearly stopped drinking and joined a gym!
(dchurch bah, Thu 23 May 2013, 15:34, Reply)

Second
I hate kids.
(CasuallyObscene, Thu 23 May 2013, 15:32, Reply)

My kid said..
first!
(dchurch bah, Thu 23 May 2013, 15:30, Reply)