I did the telling off....
Once upon a time when I worked for the local constabulary I got a rather disturbing call to the rememberence day service. Now, in the town where I live there is unfortunately a rather large mental institute which yields more nutters per square inch than any other town in the country. Fact. This is just one of many fun filled days it has provided me with.

Arriving at the church I was greeted by the sight of about a hundred old soldiers, all immaculately turned out with a chest full of medals. At the front was an honour party carrying the flags and it was a very emotional and dignified time for them all. Clearly there was some some sort of kerfuffle going on at the front and as I made my way down the isle I heard one of the old dears let out a yelp. She moved out of the way to reveal a cum splash right down her beautiful pink dress and a slightly cross eyed man, khaki pants down round his ankles, cock in hand and saluting just like Benny Hill. He took one look at me and said "I have been a very naughty boy haven't I?".

Apparently he does it every year and only on remembrance day for some reason.
(Mong The Merciless Older not wiser, Thu 20 Sep 2007, 18:35, Reply)

Misanthropic ex-workmate
This mate of mine has come up with some classy ways of telling people off. It usually happens on buses as well...

We were once waiting to get off a packed bus which was stuck in traffic, standing near the exit doors. A short, fat Burberry-clad woman tried to muscle past him into the tiny space remaining. Being the man he is, instead of letting her in, he used his body as a barricade between the door and the errant passenger. He turned round to her and said in the driest tone you can imagine "What ... are... you ... doing?". "I need to get off, innit!" she replied, whilst trying to squirm past him.

The reaction was instantaneous. He looked at her with dead, cold eyes and said "Actually, you only *need* to shut up and calm down"

This patronising rebuke was enough to make her stop pushing and wait behind him like a scolded child until the bus reached the stop some minutes later.

The funniest example I can remember was when our bus driver was tearing along the route like a rally driver. My friend really hates this, so at the next red light, he paced up to the driver and said (in his standard condescending tone) "Oi, 'mate', what... are... you ... doing? It's a bus, not a sports car"

The bus driver replied, irritably, "I'm the driver, I know what I'm doing"

His immediate response has become legendary amongst my friends: "No mate, if you knew what you were doing, you wouldn't be *doing* what you're doing."

The open-mouthed driver pondered this fact for a few seconds, then his head dropped as he suddenly realised that his entire career was shit. Then the lights turned green. The bus pulled away slowly and we enjoyed the rest of the journey in limousine-smooth style.

Mind you, he's been punched in the face twice on buses as well. I wonder why...
( chart cat has an itch, Thu 20 Sep 2007, 18:31, Reply)

Thank-yous
3 weeks ago to the day I turned 27. 4 days of celebrating, seeing friends, gigging and general partying ensued, leaving me only 5 minutes per day to myself. And I worked a 10 hour day too.

I was not best pleased to be told off after 2 days, first from my Dad as he woke a still-drunken me and next from my Mum via phone call as I topped myself up, for not calling relatives and thanking them for the cards they had sent.

When I did finally call them one of my relatives told me I had the wrong number and hung up on me! How's that for gratitude?
(Grobie, Thu 20 Sep 2007, 18:20, Reply)

Demarcation
I work as an IT spannermonkey for a large technology firm, an anagram of the company BMI... Anyway, one morning I was monitoring the helpdesk (I'm 3rd line) and I had the outright audacity to authorise a change request on behalf of one of my colleagues ... a request so banal and dull that I thought nothing of it.

Said bloke decided to chew me out and give me a bollocking in front of the office. So what did I do? Did I obey my first instinct and clobber him in the face with the stapler? Perhaps pick him up and lob him, screaming, through the third-storey window headfirst?

Did I fcuk. I made some half-hearted defence, refusing to accept I had done anything wrong, sloped back to my desk then ten minutes later, stormed off to the pub for the rest of the afternoon.

Grrrr.

__
(hangableautobulb is an anagram of the best album ever, on, Thu 20 Sep 2007, 18:18, Reply)

I don't count for this QOTW because I'm not exactly adult...
... so I can I tell off the moderators for not giving me the opportunity to say anything?
(ladyintheradiator, Thu 20 Sep 2007, 18:16, Reply)

My Wife Watches SuperNanny
...and so I often catch it in progress. She always tells me off when I profer my solution to the badly behaved brats:

"bin bag: canal".
(mcnelson, Thu 20 Sep 2007, 18:15, Reply)

Paddington stare
Forget work - people mess up and you manage your way out of it. The bollockings from the director are like the ones your parents gave you if they caught you crossing the road without looking both ways.

Home is different though.

My fiance is one of those women with an exuberant temper. Her basic personality means she doesn't suffer fools, and she doesn't take shit.

But over time she has realised that doing your swede at someone doesn't help matters.

Fortunately, I met her after this lesson was learned.

She hasn't reverted to the girly sulk, but she knows how to use the Paddington Bear Stare (tm).

Me: "I'm going to open another bottle"
Her: Paddington Bear Stare (tm).

Me: "Work was just throwing all this equipment away! There's at least 30 Pentium III Xeons here!"
Her: Paddington Bear Stare (tm).

Me: "And there's plenty of room for that 42u rack they're all in!!
Her: Paddington Bear Stare (tm).

She can deflate me with that look in a heartbeat. It's like seeing the disappointment of a parent who thought you were going to be a doctor when you just want to be an astronaut... but you're gonna write poetry in the meantime.
(Guizmeaux, Thu 20 Sep 2007, 18:10, Reply)

meh.
I'm not an Adult, and never have been.

I got close once when I read a you-googly (sp?) at my grandad's funeral... but essentially... no.

nope.. Sex, beer and work rule my life.. .and even at work I manage to give technical parts funny names. You'd be amazed by the number of "Retard Pins" and so on there are in my company's machines now.


Mod Edit: Humpty is right. Not only that, but Humpty is an excellent person. Vote for him. He'll love you long time.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Thu 20 Sep 2007, 18:02, Reply)

Er....
My office has a glass front which faces a larger open plan office. Being a cunning devil, I always face the window so that I can not only see what the staff are doing but also so nobody can see my screen. The odd bit of music whilst working is also permitted so earphones/MP3's are pretty common.

Now, my job is probably the most boring shite imaginable and I tend to spend my days chatting up women online and reading the newspaper (hello rachelswipe..)

On this particular day I had just finished watching the most amazing piece of lesbian porn and had a grin like a cheshire cat. As I yanked my earpiece out and swivelled my swish executive chair round to reveal a rather fetching trouser lump I nearly shat myself to see my boss standing there looking me straight in the eye saying "Can I have a word with you in my office".

Boy was I sorry. Apparently that didn't show up on this years staff needs analysis.
(Mong The Merciless Older not wiser, Thu 20 Sep 2007, 18:01, Reply)

Someone posted log-in details for a troll who'd been nawty-stepped
I stupidly signed in as them to see what it looked like and was promptly 'stepped for 2 days on my work machine.

I hate that kitten.
( Geoff the Clownfish You know Myra, some people might think you're cute, Thu 20 Sep 2007, 18:00, Reply)

The bird
I got caught playing Rugby 08 on my Playstation last night. I crept out of bed at 1am to give it a quick go. 20 mins later there is a rather insolent voice from behind me (my girlfriend) ordering my back to bed and turning the damn machine off. I felt about 10 years old. Gonna have words with her... but probably not cos she is scary.
(wackers1, Thu 20 Sep 2007, 17:57, Reply)

I jumped down 5 stairs at a certain retail giant to intercept the delivery of a pallet in a lift, where I work
and the duty manager (who is also head of health and safety) was walking up them. he went "Right, tell me why that is dangerous". I stare at the ground and say "erm, i could fall and break my neck". he says "correct, and apart from the company getting sued, who else could get sued...hmm?" i go "erm...sorry, sir"
"if i catch you doing it again, i will take action. ok?" "yes, sir" "good."

he walks up the stairs, i wait until he got to the top, and jump a further 8 stairs to the bottom.
(beast on toast has xpango=> http://www.xpango.com?ref=90520974, Thu 20 Sep 2007, 17:51, Reply)

My boss...
I am sure we will have a lot of boss type stories and this is more therapy for me. I am an IT type Recruitment job and I was wandering into the kitchen to make a cup of tea (agree it was my second) at around 10am. My boss asked me how many phone calls I made. I said 'none'. Bad answer in retrospect. What I should have said was 'I was sorting out.... I was emailing....'. So anyway this gave him the ammunition he needed to give me a thorough run down as to what my job entailed. Fucker...like I didnt know after 3 years....and I bascially single handedly pay his enormous salary. Fuck...wanker. Gonna piss in coffee that he grinds every sodding morning and shit in his draw. (Well I wont but would love to). So anyway I didnt make a phone call till at least 10.15am - that got him!
(wackers1, Thu 20 Sep 2007, 17:51, Reply)

So many times....
As a poor student, I am 'home' from university sometimes. Thus I get comments such as these at such times:

'It's 2am, why are you still on the computer!?'

'Why are there condoms in your bin? What if your brother find them?!?'

Curses.
( its_hatorah_bitch is b3ta the devil you know on, Thu 20 Sep 2007, 17:49, Reply)

Told off by the kids
At what age does the adult/child relationship change and the adult gets told off by the child? It seems to be when they get into their teens and want to be cool, but the adult, freed of a bit of responsibility, starts to have a bit more fun.

My daughter was always telling me off when she was 14/15, mostly for being embarrassing. This would happen when I was just having a bit of fun. Like, setting off all the 'Bouncing Tiggers' in Toys R Us, at the same time (see also 'Laughing Pooh' and 'Tickle me Elmo'), Superman on the trolleys at the supermarket, or breaking wind silently in shops and quietly telling her that we should move before someone notices. "That's SO childish"
(lardyboy Next stop, Fissplap Central, Thu 20 Sep 2007, 17:48, Reply)

Arguing with my children
Whilst arguing with my son sometimes, I dont know what comes over me, I become "competitive dad" and have to win the argument. I could say he is 14 and therefore is at that age.. but Im 42 and should know better. Anyway, Mrs wife shouts at both of us telling us "not to behave like children". Then just to drive the point home, went off on one that I "shouldnt do" and "you should be the adult" etc. Bollox to that.. I want to win the argument!
(scowners shagged his mum on, Thu 20 Sep 2007, 17:48, Reply)

I got told off for posting a one-line answer to this week's question.

(><(((">, Thu 20 Sep 2007, 17:45, Reply)

Respecting the law
A while back I was cycling home from my then girlfriend's house one Sunday morning and took a short cut through town.

My detour took me down a flight of steps, which I rode down pulling a wheelie. However I was stopped in my tracks by a policeman who promptly bollocked me about my anti-social cycling, much to the amusement of the kids walking past.

I'm 33.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 20 Sep 2007, 17:35, Reply)

This morning, actually
parked my car on a side road in Uxbridge (probably for the last time as they turning the entire city into a permit holders only love fest), started walking off only to glance back at the car and notice my lights were still on. Back I go, then.

"Excuse me?" shouts a voice. I look around, and then up. An old woman with a mouth like a dog's arse is leaning out of her upper window.

"Yes, love?"

"Do you think an ambulance could get through that? I don't. Thank goodness this will all be residents' only at the end of the month. You people have no respect for the people that live here!"

"Why do you think I'm coming back?" I lied, "a space has just opened up over there anyway"

"I hope you've got a permit. You'll need a permit to park there."

"I'm fine, love."

"What did you say?"

"I SAID, I'm fine."

Stupid old bitch, what do I care if an ambulance can't get down there, it wouldn't be turning up for me. In fact, if it turned up for *her* and couldnt' get through the gap because of my car, I'd be happy.

Oh, the things you think of to say afterwards, eh?
( Kroney, Thu 20 Sep 2007, 17:33, Reply)

My line manager at my previous job
He tried to call me one morning - after I'd emailed him to let him know I'd had my phone stolen - then emailed with the title "ARE YOU WORKING?"

I mailed back to say "Yes, here is everything I've done this morning and here's everything I plan to do this afternoon. Oh, and here's the number of the pay-as-you-go phone I'm using in the meantime."

Two weeks later he pulled me into a meeting, suspended all my work-from-home privileges, and gave me a right bollocking for being uncontactable. I lost all interest in the job after that, the stupid French cunt.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 20 Sep 2007, 17:30, Reply)

Told Off
My new girlfriend is a cocaine fiend, getting through a quarter of an ounce in a Sunday night not two weeks ago. She's a lady of leisure - she literally does nothing. I have no problem with either of these things.

I, however, am in trouble because in the time I have outside my 54hrs per week job (plus 10hrs per week travel) I like to relax with a joint here and there.

Apparently this is disgraceful behaviour.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 20 Sep 2007, 17:28, Reply)

Oh fuck, I get told off on a regular basis...
Well, I got royally told off over the past week for spending too much time on b3ta, looking over the QOTW and the HoN boards. And we all got told off by Sir Pigeon Nipples for the entire HoN business besides...

Does that count?
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 20 Sep 2007, 17:28, Reply)

my girlfriend repeatedly tells me off for doing a 'superman' with the shopping trolley when we're at tescos.

i'm such an embarressment.
(professor honky straight fonky, Thu 20 Sep 2007, 17:25, Reply)

all the time
for profligacy.

I hang my head in shame and claim I will never do it again.
( pregnantfridge, Thu 20 Sep 2007, 17:25, Reply)

I'm not an adult but...
...saw a 25 year old retard with the mental age of an 8 year old being told off for riding his tricycle in the middle of the road. true story

length? he hasnt properly developed yet!
(Foulkesy123 The one and only..., Thu 20 Sep 2007, 17:24, Reply)

Behave
Behave, both of you.
(p0zitr0n - phunarmically charged particle, detected at, Thu 20 Sep 2007, 17:24, Reply)

Second!
Will I get told off for this?

Mod Edit: Yes. You could have taken someone's eye out with that. It's all fun until someone gets hurt.
( le brian, Thu 20 Sep 2007, 17:24, Reply)

Married so
LOL every day
(kitescreech still here, Thu 20 Sep 2007, 17:23, Reply)