Save money on getting a car check when buying a new car
Simply enter the make/model/reg into webuyanycar, for free, and they will refuse to buy it if there is outstanding finance or its a bit dodgy.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 15:29, 10 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Make your boss think you're ill
by coughing and spluttering and sneezing for a couple of days, and then calling in sick.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 20 Feb 2012, 14:40, Reply)

If you accidentally give your lady the flaming fanny by forgetting to wash your hands after cutting up chilis
one way of helping to soothe it is to keep on going. Semen will help wash away the capsaicin. Added win: her fanny will feel extra warm for you too from all the blood flowing to the inflamed tissues.

Just be sure that it was done accidentally lest she rip your nadgers off like a paper towel.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Sun 19 Feb 2012, 22:00, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

MAKE sure none of your friends and family forget that you have children
By putting photos of them up on facebook every five fucking minutes
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Sun 19 Feb 2012, 16:31, 4 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Lose weight by sawing off a limb.
If this makes you hungry you can then eat it.
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Thu 16 Feb 2012, 23:29, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Lose weight by moving more, eating non processed food and not drinking alcohol
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Thu 16 Feb 2012, 8:03, Reply)

Don't use nasty chemicals
Middle Eastern police - you don't have to break up riots with nasty old tear gas. Why not take a more homeopathic approach to irritating the lachrymatory response- read all the protesters a sad story about a scared lost kitten who has just seen its mummy run over by a motorbike and it doesn't know how to get home.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Wed 15 Feb 2012, 22:08, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Adding some gravy to your red wine
Is an excellent way to get asked to leave boring dinner parties.
(Eukanuba, Wed 15 Feb 2012, 13:42, Reply)

Adding some red wine to your gravy...
Makes it taste delicious!
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Wed 15 Feb 2012, 11:14, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Find out whether god is real or not.
By killing yourself.
(Natrix, Wed 15 Feb 2012, 8:38, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Pizza tastes 100% nicer
When reheated using a George Foreman grill or similar. Try it next time you have left over Pizza Hut / Dominos. The cheese goes all crispy.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Tue 14 Feb 2012, 19:38, Reply)

Women with excessively large breasts.
Save money on expensive breast reduction surgery by simply asking people to look at your breasts through wrong way round binoculars.
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Tue 14 Feb 2012, 15:31, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Women with small breasts.
Avoid expensive breast surgery (and the potential hazards of exploding implants) by simply asking people to look at your breasts through binoculars.
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Tue 14 Feb 2012, 15:29, Reply)

Sell out to a corporate holiday that is basically just "women's day"
by changing everyone's icon to a heart

Oh wait, you did
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Tue 14 Feb 2012, 14:25, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Ensure your outdoor pond fish do not freeze by simply eating them. They will stay nice and warm in your tummy.

( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Tue 14 Feb 2012, 13:50, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Dying can improve your album sales no end.
Signed Whitney Houston.
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 21:55, Reply)

Pretend you are popular
By registering on Sickidates just to pass the time, going no further, and enjoy being bombarded with emails you cant stop, at all hours of the day and night, no matter what you do. This works best with a blackberry or other push email mobile phone. You can then enjoy being awoken with a random message from a posible match in a country you have never been, or have any interest in going to. Even more fun when your missus or girlfriend gets to your phone first.

Fucking fantastic.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Thu 9 Feb 2012, 15:23, Reply)

Hot water gone off due to inclement weather?
Give the fish telescopes and get them to look through the wrong end at the jumpers.
(Eukanuba, Thu 9 Feb 2012, 12:56, Reply)

Jumpers too big for your fish?
Boil them for ninety minutes.
(Eukanuba, Thu 9 Feb 2012, 12:55, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Ensure your outdoor pond fish survive the winter freezes and suffocation
By simply dressing them in unwanted Christmas jumpers. And snorkels.
(Eukanuba, Thu 9 Feb 2012, 12:49, Reply)

Ensure your outdoor pond fish survive the winter freezes and suffocation
by keeping them in boiling water.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 9 Feb 2012, 10:30, Reply)

Ensure your outdoor pond fish survive the winter freezes and suffocation
By keeping the water temperature above freezing by simply dropping in an electric heater, thus avoiding poisoning them with glycol anti-freeze
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Thu 9 Feb 2012, 3:42, Reply)

Ensure your outdoors pond fish survive the winter freezes and suffocation
by adding 20% glycol anti-freeze to the pool.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Wed 8 Feb 2012, 22:16, Reply)

Tourettes sufferers!
Make your affliction pay by advertising yourself as a "Blue" comedian.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 15:35, Reply)

Save time trying to think of your own Top Tips by just copying them out of old Viz magazines.

( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 14:49, 4 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Do whatever you like in the UK and avoid arrest for anything
by simply refusing to offically recognise the law of Her Majesty's Government.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 11:38, Reply)

The saying, "crime never pays" is just a piece of government propaganda
to hide the fact that the police force is hopeless at apprehending criminals and just hopes that people are too stupid to realise they can probably get away with doing anything they want.
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 3:28, Reply)

Don't piss into the wind.
Thank you.
(Rubber Fish is waiting, Mon 6 Feb 2012, 21:24, Reply)

Make yourself laugh to the point of asphixiation, tears rolling down your face, your sides hurting, and thinking you might actually have done yourself a mischief
by watching any Adam Sandler movie.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 6 Feb 2012, 11:09, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Keep your front garden free of elephants
By not leaving hot cross buns on the windowsill.
(Eukanuba, Sun 5 Feb 2012, 22:45, 1 reply, 12 years ago)