Get your top tip in the newsletter by performing sexual favours for Rob.

( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Sat 3 Mar 2012, 9:40, 5 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

amuse yourself in doctors or dentist waiting rooms
by filling in all the people's friend and take a break magazine crosswords just with the word 'death' spelled really badly....possibly in blood...
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Sat 3 Mar 2012, 1:22, Reply)

according to the laws of this land
even if you shout surprise, it is still classed as rape....
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Sat 3 Mar 2012, 1:18, Reply)

putting your flacid penis
into the cardboard toilet roll tube first, before exciting yourself makes it much easier to then lie on your bathroom floor and fuck it. should you wish to. a friend told me....
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Sat 3 Mar 2012, 1:15, 3 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

www.myanimalfarm.co.uk
It's not what you hope it is.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Sat 3 Mar 2012, 1:13, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

prevent people thinking you are a racist
by starting every sentence, comment and joke with the phrase 'I'm not a racist but.....'
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Fri 2 Mar 2012, 19:31, Reply)

smokers
prevent yellow stained fingers when enjoying your hobby by always wearing rubber gloves when you light up. removing your clothes beforehand also stops you smelling of smoke. it also helps prevent other smokers from asking to cadge one off you outside pubs, restaurants, magistrate courts etc...
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Fri 2 Mar 2012, 19:26, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

little and large
make an ideal 'cannon and ball' if money is tight.

See also: spit the dog/rod hull and emu. Although him being dead might make your light entertainment booking somewhat easier.

*edit* No, I've got one now, Trevor and Simon Vs Ant And Dec. Know which one I'd rather pay the bus fair home of....
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Fri 2 Mar 2012, 16:51, 5 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

prevent
the occasional 'droplet' of urine on light coloured trousers after using the urinal with araldite.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Fri 2 Mar 2012, 16:51, Reply)

Pretend to be a woman
By always being wrong but claiming you are right.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Fri 2 Mar 2012, 14:49, Reply)

Pretend you live in pre 1990's Britain
By actually using teapots and tea cosies
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Fri 2 Mar 2012, 0:19, 5 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Keep your tea warm for longer
by taking that tea-cosy off your head and putting it on the teapot
(Smale is stuffed, Thu 1 Mar 2012, 8:56, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Rid yourself of annoying telemarketers..
..by asking them if they sell anything BUT what they're trying to sell you.

i.e; Mobile phone company won't stop trying to sell you a phone. Ask them if they sell holidays, double glazing, anything you can think of. Keep going until they get annoyed and hang up.

For really persistent ones, ask them if they'd be interested in a career as a phone-sex operator. Tell them how nice their voice sounds. Wait for them to hang up. Alternatively, tell them you're in the middle of HAVING sex, and that they'll have to call back in three or four hours.
( Evilsprinkles Shitting glitter, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 19:11, Reply)

Risk getting your head kicked in
by trying to explain to the young "gangsta" types the origin of why they wear their trousers down near their knees
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 17:20, 12 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Give everyone a good laugh
by wearing a tea-cosy on your head.
(Smale is stuffed, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 13:26, Reply)

Destroy your faith in humanity
By going outside.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 11:24, Reply)

Save a fortune on UK tax costs simply by changing your last name to Bank.

( riverghost servicing your mum since, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 8:47, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Feeling stressed at work?
Observe the window-cleaner.

It scares the shit out of him.
(costas, Mon 27 Feb 2012, 14:20, Reply)

Confuse the hell out of cold callers
And make your dull life sound interesting by answering the phone like this:


"Hello?"
...pause...
"*stage whisper* I thought I told you to never call me here??"
...pause...
...hangup quickly...
...run to the loos...
(optional) ...come back with sick on your tie...
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Mon 27 Feb 2012, 11:39, Reply)

Be like the sundial:
Count only the sunny hours.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 27 Feb 2012, 11:36, Reply)

Dads, want to improve the food you can cook on your BBQ?
Drill holes in the bottom of it and build a chimny from an old cardboard tube from the middle of a carpet in a vain attempt to improve air circulation.

My dad genuinely did this
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Mon 27 Feb 2012, 4:34, 5 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Want to recreate the taste of your dad's BBQ from when you were a child?
Set your food on fire by putting it under the grill on the highest heat until totally black on the outside but still seeps blood when you cut into it*

*salmonella poisoning optional
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Mon 27 Feb 2012, 4:30, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Missing that Chistmas feeling already......?
I discovered that leaving the chest freezer door open all night is a great way to create a "mini-Santa's grotto".
(bugboy, Fri 24 Feb 2012, 14:48, 5 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Destroy your faith in humanity
By logging onto www.freechatnow.com as "suzie14f" and timing how long it takes you to receive thirty propositions of a sexual nature.
(Eukanuba, Fri 24 Feb 2012, 14:35, 6 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

If making coffee for guests,
stand in the kitchen for 5 minutes, making "prk, prk" noises, before serving up cups of instant.
Your guests will be impressed with your percolated coffee, and think you dead posh.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 24 Feb 2012, 14:32, 6 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

when someone comes up to you and says 'can i ask you something?'
reply 'you just did' then resume what you're doing as if they aren't there. this will give you an ineffably smug feeling of correctness, the best kind of smugs.
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Fri 24 Feb 2012, 12:14, Reply)

Replace your gravy with coffee,and your coffee with gravy...
So you and your dinner guests can re-enact a popular 90's sitcom, and watch hilarity ensue.
(drain_bamaged, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 9:47, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Unpopular b3tans. Change your username so it looks like you're a girl. Suddenly everyone will want to talk to you.

( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 0:31, Reply)

Never try to calibrate your white balance using a jay cloth.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 22 Feb 2012, 17:26, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Anti-Egypt fun
Go to speedtest.net, choose a server in Cairo and run the test. During the upload part of the test you can pretend that's you spunking on to one of the pyramids.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 22 Feb 2012, 11:00, 1 reply, 12 years ago)