Cause mirth and amusement at a sandy beach, by putting PVA glue into an empty sunblock bottle.

( Pope Shax XIII uses Visio for picture editing, does it show?, Wed 30 May 2012, 4:44, Reply)

Don't leave one job before you have another to go to
No matter how fucking ill the first one is making you.
( P-MONKE We're all fucked, Tue 29 May 2012, 15:00, Reply)

Spaniards
Will you stop beeping your fucking horns!
(judgetheobscure used to sweep in butchers' shops., Tue 29 May 2012, 0:12, Reply)

Pretend to be a Consultant Radiologist
and recreate the feeling of diagnosing a sick loaf of bread with complex symptoms having an MRI scan, simply buy sliced and flip through the individual rounds. At some point stop, point at a random batch of texture and triumphally declare "THERE!"
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Mon 28 May 2012, 18:29, 4 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Having trouble getting the barbecue going?
This is because you suck. Seriously, cave-people managed to get a fire going, and they didn't have access to matches, firelighters, or a Black&Decker anything. Go back indoors, you pathetic wastes of sunlight.
Keep a fire-breathing dinosaur on hand, to flame-grill all your food.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Mon 28 May 2012, 9:34, 6 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Having trouble getting the barbecue going?
I mean a proper barbecue, not one of those gas barbecues for girls and gays. A Black & Decker paint stripper gun acts like a pair of bellows and will turn the small glowing embers into a raging furnace.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sun 27 May 2012, 18:28, 3 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Get your ass to Mars

( Photoshop Bitch 2014 edition, Sun 27 May 2012, 17:19, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Make your binmen think you're a rat by creating lids to fill up your recycled storage space.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Sun 27 May 2012, 15:48, Reply)

Convince people you are a flaky middle class bore
...by talking endlessly about your allotment, but never actually going there.
(IHateSprouts is baking a huge pie shaped like an enormous pie, Sat 26 May 2012, 18:38, Reply)

Create extra storage space
by swapping the lids on your wheelie-bins, ensuring the bin men will always leave them alone for containing the wrong sort of rubbish,

Enjoy your new collection of rats.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 25 May 2012, 15:28, Reply)

Confuse your binmen
by swapping the lids about on your selection of different coloured wheelie-bins.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 25 May 2012, 12:02, Reply)

Plant laylandii on ley lines with Leilani.
Then lie locally.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 24 May 2012, 14:13, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Neighbour is glamour model Leilani?
Hide in the laylandii to get a closer look.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Thu 24 May 2012, 11:38, Reply)

Neighbours have leylandii?
Make the kids eat them by telling them they're broccoli.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Thu 24 May 2012, 11:36, Reply)

Monster Munch's neighbours: Plant a leylandii hedge, then you won't have to look at him.

( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Thu 24 May 2012, 0:19, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Do you have leylandii?
You anti-social cunt. I'm glad you don't live near me.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Wed 23 May 2012, 19:47, Reply)

Do you have leylandii
that has been left to grow too high? If you want to trim it down to about 6ft, say, for easy maintenance, trim it to 5ft instead and then let new growth fill the top 12". This means that there will be no thick stems and branches at the top of the tree thus making it easier to maintain with a hedge trimmer.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 23 May 2012, 17:02, Reply)

Confuse potatoes
by smoking them.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Wed 23 May 2012, 11:05, Reply)

Confuse tomatoes
by putting them in the same bowl as some apples.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 23 May 2012, 10:46, Reply)

Enjoy more convenient supermarket parking
By getting kneecapped by the IRA.
(Eukanuba, Tue 22 May 2012, 17:31, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Alfresco chess players!
playing chess outside a pub does not make you look like an intellectual bohemian it makes you look like a cunt
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Tue 22 May 2012, 14:50, Reply)

lads!
prevent embarrassment by growing a comb over now....
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Tue 22 May 2012, 14:41, Reply)

Cunt a fuck with a hammer while calling it a shitcunt
Hey presto! A freshly cunted fuck called a shitcunt!
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 22 May 2012, 12:34, Reply)

Get brocolli to eat kids
By sprinkling it liberally with radioactive waste and growth hormones.
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Tue 22 May 2012, 0:43, Reply)

Get kids to keep eating brocolli.
By sprinkling Oramorph onto it before serving.
This has the added advantage of keeping the little goits quiet.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Mon 21 May 2012, 17:46, Reply)

Get kids to eat broccoli
by sprinkling it liberally with grated parmesan before serving.
(Smale is stuffed, Mon 21 May 2012, 10:45, Reply)

Shit Pencil Tip Tip
Have you just foolishly bought a pack of low-quality pencils from a supermarket, possibly one whose name rhymes with Borrisons? Are you now stuck with 40 of the useless fuckers, each of whose graphite seems to be broken at centimetre intervals down the length of the twat, meaning that whenever you try to sharpen the little cunt, as soon as you get what looks like a useable nib, it drops out of the pencil and you have to sharpen it again?

Fear not: Rather than using your normal pencil-sharpener, get one of those that has two sizes, small and big. Use the larger sharpener on the shitty bastard pencil. This will lead to a wider nib which tapers more quickly, able to hold the poxiest of graphite fragments in place.

Alternatively, insert each pencil up your arse in turn, then post them all back to Borrisons in an envelope marked 'Free Gift'.
(costas, Fri 18 May 2012, 14:57, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Easily confuse the Irish

( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Thu 17 May 2012, 20:38, Reply)

Prevent you neighbours talking to you
By continually staring at them through a visible gap in your lounge curtains.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Thu 17 May 2012, 12:44, Reply)

Easily confuse the Irish
By naming your daughter 'Neeamhher' but spelling it 'neve'

I mean how does 'niamh' get pronounced like that?
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Thu 17 May 2012, 1:13, 5 replies, latest was 12 years ago)