OPERATION FUCK MARIA & THE MASSIVE DONG
"Greg," I said tentatively. "Can I have a look at your cock?"

Suprisingly, Greg said no. Infact he said: "No - fuck off you weird cunt."

But it wasn't as if I wanted to play the pink oboe. All I wanted to do was... have a quick look. I was a fifteen year old boy and the only spam dagger I'd ever seen was my own and I had issues... size issues. I just wanted to compare my own length and girth with somebody elses, just so I could say: "Yep - I'm normal." Yep - I'm in possession of the sort of package any lady would be happy to receive a warm gloopy jet-powered vitamin-and-mineral-enriched deposit from.

The reason for my sudden insecurity in the semen submarine department was Maria. She was my new girlfriend and it was a well known fact she'd - how can I put this? - been round the block more times than the number 29 bus. Her last boyfriend was a sixth former named Darren who was famed in my school for being hung like a bull elephant.

I just didn't feel like I could compete.

I even spent a fucking painful afternoon with my cock sellataped to the windowsill in my bedroom, with my bell end firmly strapped in place I shuffled backwards as far as I could in an attempt to stretch my piece. All that did is HURT, and temporarily stretch my foreskin so it hung round my manhood like a flappy, wrinkly pink overcoat for a couple of days before it shrunk back to normal size.

I was - you could say - in a bit of a state, mentally.

And the main reason for this was my mate Joe was having a party at his gaff the coming Saturday night - his parents were out of town; the place was going to be filled with horny teenagers. Maria and I were going as a couple; our first official outing together. And I was hoping to use the occasion as a way to fool, trick or beg Maria into letting me fill her flaps with 100% premium Spanky cock.

- Only I had real concerns that I wouldn't be able to touch the sides on account of the last piece that rubbed against Maria's lady chamber being big and fat enough to fill the Albert Hall (including the lobby and backstage areas).

I was fucking fucked...

Then I hit on an idea. A fucking GENIUS idea...

So, its Friday night. Joe's party is in full swing. I've found a nice quiet place to sit with Maria and we're getting down to some serious tonsil tennis. I'm sat with my legs wide open, I'm wearing my best tight wight chinos. I've already managed to catch a few of the other girls at the party stealing a dirty glance at my - quite fucking frankly HUGE package. I am Billy big balls and I know it.

Maria whispers in my ear: "Spanky, just looking at your trousers is making me wet." And she snogs me long and hard, and her hand slips down my chest, over my stomach, and rests on my belt for a while. Then, ever... so... slowly...

...the tips of her fingers play over my MASSIVE dong.

FUCKING NICE ONE !!!

I snog her harder, my shaking hand reaches up beneath her skirt and I fumble round her gaping axe wound with my trembling fingers. I rub her bits roughly through the fabric of her panties.

"Shall we take this upstairs?" Maria breathes into my ear. I nod eagerly. And we slink upstairs. But all the bedrooms and the bathroom - even the cupboards full up with teenagers inexpertly rubbing and fucking.

Then I try to put phase two of Operation Fuck Maria in motion. "I just have to take a piss," I say romantically. But Maria points out the bathroom's locked. So we go back downstairs and return to our quiet dark secluded spot in the corner of the livingroom. The music's loud, there's loads of bodies dancing to Spandau Ballet. No one would probably notice if we did it doggy style right there in the corner.

Fuck me, I was horny. But this was a critical point in the Operation; I was a bit pissed to say the least and all the blood had rushed to my cock, so I wasn't thinking straight.

"I really need to wee," I say to Maria. "I'm gonna go in the garden."

But Maria gave me a look as if to say: Leave me now and you've missed your chance, buddy...

So I remained rooted to the spot through the awsome power of possibly getting some. We kissed a bit more, Maria rubbing my massive peice. And then - after a while - she unbuttoned my chinos...

...I was so into the moment I hardly noticed.

But I did soon enough - and so did the rest of the room as Maria said really incredibly loudly:

"AAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH !!! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS ????"

As she held my cock high in the air, staring at it in disbelief.

Oh, fuck...

The lights went up, the music stopped as Joe reasoned somebody was being raped or murdered in his parents living room.

And then everyone stared at the object in Maria's hand, and they stared down at me, red faced with my fly open and my real cock trying desperately and pittifully to make its inferior prescence known.

Maria sniffed my MASSIVE dong as she examined it closer: "Why the fuck have you got a salami down your pants?" she asked.

And I really didn't have an answer to that. I'd planned to visit the little boys room at the critical moment, remove the fake pork product cock, and hope Maria was too pissed to notice I'd, well, shrunk a bit when I returned.

And I went home that night with my cherry still intact...

... and with my dignity in tatters.

... I'd lost one sexy new girlfriend.

... and gained a whole raft of new Italian-sausage-related nicknames that plauged me until I moved to a new school two years later...



That was unexpected nudity, I can tell you.


...AND I never got my salami back...
( SpankyHanky, Mon 1 Jun 2009, 22:35, 10 replies)

Ladies and Gentlemen
I give you your new god. Nothing can come close to this man-thing.
(Potty Jag har smör i min rumpspringa, Mon 1 Jun 2009, 22:45, closed)

*doffs hat*
*worships at the altar of Spanky*
( TheMattInAHat has a particular... odour..., Mon 1 Jun 2009, 23:00, closed)

sympathy click
but a click none the less.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 1 Jun 2009, 22:56, closed)

*click*
*clicks again for luck*
( TheMattInAHat has a particular... odour..., Mon 1 Jun 2009, 22:59, closed)

Clicks... on ignore.
(craigix, Tue 2 Jun 2009, 1:19, closed)

OOooo Spanky..
Is that a sasauge in your....


oh
( flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Tue 2 Jun 2009, 1:20, closed)

munchies
Wouldnt mind a nice bit of salami to nibble on right now









oh clicks anyway, tis the done thing with a Spanky post :)
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Tue 2 Jun 2009, 1:35, closed)

I was gonna
have a peperami for lunch. Think I'll get something else now. *clicks*
(Grrrrr Tigers, Tue 2 Jun 2009, 8:14, closed)

I've said it before and I'll say it again
You're a wrong un, Spankyhanky. Lol in the office for me.
(stonethecrows is badder than a bad thing on, Tue 2 Jun 2009, 8:29, closed)

HAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAHAHA
You poor, poor man. This makes my painfully bullied youth seem like a minor bruise compared to the mental beating you must've taken after that :D

*clicks 1*10(23) due to nearly literally pissing myself laughing reading this*
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Wed 3 Jun 2009, 11:09, closed)