Chicken Laying
A sick ex-schoolmate of mine wasn't caught tossing his dog off, so to make up for it, he decided to actually tell people about it himself.

And a friend of his used to shag frozen chickens!
(And I don't agree with that in the workplace, Fri 4 Jun 2004, 14:07, Reply)

Euphemisms
Duelling with the pink Darth Vader.

Sorry, no embarrassing stories, although statistically it's unlikely.
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Fri 4 Jun 2004, 13:46, Reply)

Kitchen beachin'
My Dad had recently added a book called 'Life's a Beach' to our bookshelves. It was a firm favourite with little wanker me cos it had bikinis and tits all over it.

For some reason I decided to have a go in the kitchen one day while everyone else was in the house. Surprise surprise, my Mum walked in after a few minutes and I did the whole spasm, panic, act normal and pretend to be just reading the book all innocent act... I don't think I fooled her. Pretty sure I got my cock safely out of view before she actually got into the room though.
( AntonSporz, Fri 4 Jun 2004, 13:28, Reply)

Widowers Tears
The viscose pre-cum that seeps out of a gentlemans penis after prolonged periods of abstinence.
(Smell eep!, Fri 4 Jun 2004, 13:20, Reply)

Euphamisms
My favourite is "shaking hands with the unemployed"
(he who walks, Fri 4 Jun 2004, 13:14, Reply)

can't have been me. I have a willy.
Just recounted to me by a mate who isn't a member so isnt up to posting. He's a dick though. (hahaha no not really hahaha ow ribs)

was lady who somebody i worked with knew and was a couple of days before her birthday. My mate and loads of her family and stuff organise surprise party and her sister gives keys to get in house. they all go in and hide in living room. she comes in kitchen but they didn't hear her when door opened. they heared her call dog so knew she was there and all ran into kitchen to shout surprise and found her with her legs spread and marmite smeared on her flaps waiting for the dog to lick it off.

don't know whether to believe it or not. i think it was true though because everybody in the village knew coz most of them were there. she had to move out of the village in the end coz she was so ashamed
(tweebianmonkey Should be known as Widget, Fri 4 Jun 2004, 12:59, Reply)

oh no... it's coming back to me..
Walking downstairs with a serious case of the Munchies, and walking past the living-room door, peering in, and being greeted with the shameful sight of my dear old dad "burping the worm" while looking at a left-hand-mouse website.

Thankfully he seemed a bit pre-occupied, and never noticed that I'd passed: I'm not sure I could have looked him in the face if he knew that I knew...
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Fri 4 Jun 2004, 12:59, Reply)

God Bless Roger
No discussion on this topic is complete without referring to the Profanisaurus.

My current favourite is

"Making the bald man cry"
(fried gold, Fri 4 Jun 2004, 12:45, Reply)

Nice bloke, shame about the wanking
I was in school with a bloke notorious for his wanking adventures.
He went on holiday, nicked some poor girl's pants from the balcony next door and filled them with a surprise for her.
He had a house party and just about every surface in his house was covered in a layer of spunk, including his guitar and a t-shirt he lent someone following a puking accident.
Perhaps the worst instance of his preoccupation with fiddling with himself was when he was reminded that he'd wanted to make Princess Diana the object of his 'affections'. What prompted this to surface from his memory?

Her funeral procession.
(Bunnygirl, Fri 4 Jun 2004, 12:41, Reply)

off topic joke...
...k so a guy walks into a sex parlour goes up to the counter and says "so,whats todays special?" and the counter guy says "well we have a lady in back who can suck you off and sing the national anthem at the same time" so he pays walks in back and the lady does excatly what it says on the tin! so anyway he goes to the pub for a while and then goes back to the shop.he asks the same question goes in back and just after she starts he turns on the light.the first thing he sees is a glass eyeball in a cup!!

get it!the lady was...errr you get the picture.
(That guy with a hat., Fri 4 Jun 2004, 12:40, Reply)

Hallway Hooker Spunk Fest
My girlfriend is an Environmental Health Officer, working in direct response dealing with housing. THis largely involves going around a certain north london borough telling the degenerate scum that she cannot get them e new house.

Anyhow, one day she gets this call from a guy in a block of flats, saying that there are all these wierd marks up the wall in the hallway, and did she know if anything could be done about it (people are always paranoid its damp or something).
So, she goes round there, and it transpires, through watching the CCTV tapes from the hallway, that the downstairs occupant was a hooker, who seemed to specialise in wanking men off in the hallway and depositing their jizz on the wall.

I don't think there's a procedure or anything that the council can do about this howver though.
( Liquid Crystal, Fri 4 Jun 2004, 12:34, Reply)

Broom Handle Story... it's true i tell ya!
I would like to quickly point out that the broom handle one is true - to an extent. I work at a uni in the psychology department, one of the academics does criminal stuff and he gets reports sent over from the FBI which they use as case studies - one was about a bloke who up a ladder outside a window, crackin one off with a broom handle up his bullet hole - when he fell from the ladder and impaled himself. daft twunt.

see - the truth is often more surreal than fiction!
(TheManofScience, Fri 4 Jun 2004, 12:21, Reply)

Mesmerized?
Didn't want to post in such a lovely question of the week, but future husband said I had to.

First serious boyfriend and I took each other's virginity and then spent the first year of college taking it over and over again in odd places. One day, while attempting to study in the library, we started to get a little grabby under the table - started getting suspicious glances from other students, so took our books up to a quiet spot on the second floor (first floor to you).
Fast forward to a few minutes later - he's sitting on the desktop of a carrel, pants around knees, I'm in front of him, um, polishing the flagpole. Right towards the end, both of us look over and realize we're in front of a rather large window, where we can be seen from a side view.

Students are walking back and forth across the quad, totally oblivious to us in the window - except for one guy, stood stock still in the middle of the sidewalk, mouth open a little and eyes wide.

Thank god there were no camera phones then.
(boscokitty, Fri 4 Jun 2004, 12:20, Reply)

There was a
lad at school, Hunter. You know the sort, always had the piss taken out of him.
One day, his dad catches him wanking in the bath and so to cover his son’s embarrassment, he goes straight down the local betting shop and announces to the entire place that his son knocks one out in the bath.
He then goes to the local boozer, gets pissed and starts asking the locals if they have any daughters for his son, as he’s been practicing in the bath.
The story spread around quicker than the school slut.
(wiganer, Fri 4 Jun 2004, 12:12, Reply)

I wasn't him aiming....
Adhering to traditional confession-by-proxy rules, The characters in this story are in no way linked to myself or my girlfriend... no, really... they're not.
A Beery friday night turned into serious Shag Sesh at her parent's home.
This is the norm... however.. we though the parents where out.
To cut an ineviatalby short story even shorter, Her totally straight-laced mum withnessed the final seconds of the vinegar strokes, culminating in assorted pearl jewelry being aimed by, and deposited all over, her daughter... who was completely un-aware of this, as her back was turned. She doesn't know to this very day.. but her mum still refuses to talk to me, and her dad no longer makes eye contact with me.

Edit 5 seconds later... having read it through I'm blatantly crap at maintaining the "it's not me" stance while writing. soddit.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Fri 4 Jun 2004, 12:02, Reply)

thought of another
there was a tape of security footage going round birkenhead, of a camera trained upon this fella shagging thi woman against the doors of a shopping centre. they were standing up, shagging, then all of a sudden the woman ean off suspecting someone nearby. this fella is standing in the middle of a precinct with his arms outstretched with his trousers round his ankles shouting finish me off finish me off, looks around and starts wanking like a maniac in the middle of a deserted shopping precinct.
(were all dEvO!!, Fri 4 Jun 2004, 11:49, Reply)

...
when I was younger I used to sometimes look into the keyhole from my room into the kitchen. when my 45 year old foster mum made food in the summertime, she usually had a short skirt and a small bikini... I used to wank so hard my doorknob got jizzed. I had to wait until my hardon had dissapeared so I could clean it with a paper towel from the kitchen ;)
(it itches so correctly, Fri 4 Jun 2004, 11:46, Reply)

song lyrics...
quoted from Kevin Bloody Wilson's song "I gave up wankingthismorning"

And once, me grandmother caught me,
wanking meself in me room,
and to her surprise, I just shut me eyes,
and imagined her standing there Nude.

So.. If you say you don't wank you're a liar,
and a fool if you say that you do,
so next time you see, prince Charles on TV,
Remeber he wanks himself too!!
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Fri 4 Jun 2004, 11:46, Reply)

Biggest wanking disaster of all time?
www.tech-sol.net/humor/true1.htm

This one's a bit of an urban legend, but I have it on fairly good authority that it's actually true (I think the initial report was published in a medical magazine at the time)

If you don't like the idea of stapling one's own knackers to stop them falling off, don't read it at all.
( fozberry, Fri 4 Jun 2004, 11:44, Reply)

jealous mates
Whilst on a friday night club sess with about six mates, i pulled a bird and went back to my mates house, i was downstairs with the girl all the others hadn't pulled ha ha, just getting down to it in his living room when my mate the owner of the property kicks the door in with balaclava gun and say "break yoself fool" shooting the ceiling with his blank firing gun bird who was about to give me a polish shits herself and runs clothes in hand screaming, friends piss themselves, i saw the funny side in the end, DOH no polish
(joeyjojo schabadu, Fri 4 Jun 2004, 11:16, Reply)

The only set of keys?
I was moving house from one part of Newcastle to the other, and decided to do it over two days. Early on the second day i got a lift off a mate's girlfriend to the old house and went to let myself in. The key slid into the lock and we heard a loud rumbling and stumbling sound on the stairs. We burst in, to find......my old flatmate with his underpants and trousers around his knees trying to hop like a rabbit into the kitchen, off the stairs. With the phone in his hand. He managed to put his old chap away and say "OK then Brian (not the real name....to preserve dignity) I'll see you next week!" and put the phone down.
It turns out that it was the singer of the band he was drumming for who was calling from Greece to see about a gig they were doing. My old flatmate had been furiously ransacking his dignity and decided to answer the phone whilst continuing to do so. And for the length of a ten minute phonecall.
Dirty dirty boy.

He offered me two bottles of wine to keep schtum, which i took....then went back to the new house to negotiate five bottles for the best gossip they'd ever heard.

...and for once I'm not going to mention touching the stallion's cock for a bet, then being told the beer i did it for wasn't my so called mates to offer as a prize...bastrards!...oh i just did!
( mushybees NEBUSHI SHANGHUNG!, Fri 4 Jun 2004, 10:43, Reply)

Kidsleepy's story reminded me of this
Once I shared a house which also had a resident Siamese (non-conjoined) cat. One day I noticed that he was spending rather a long time washing his lower regions.

Looking down, I could see that he had a rather large (for a cat of his size) feline stiffy and was obviously enjoying self-fellatio with his rough tongue.

So I playfully blew on his kitty member, and nearly lost an eye as he tried to insert claws into my face! Cats don't have a sense of humour........
(Doctor Evil, Fri 4 Jun 2004, 10:41, Reply)

Voice-dial is bad
Got a new phone recently & decided to activate the voice-dial feature for a few people I call most often.

Was tugging one off whilst thinking about a girl I'd been seeing on & off for a while and towards the end managed to call out her name a couple of times. Unfortunately my mobile was next to her bed & decided to take my strangled cries as a command to dial...

Luckily she was away from her phone & just got a missed call with an incoherent message.
( thirdman Ia! Ia! R'lyeh Cthulhu ftagn! Ia! Ia! Mglui nafl, Fri 4 Jun 2004, 10:33, Reply)

wanking a sweat up
not me but;
mates sisters mate finsihed at gym and left bag behind. they went out for a drink, and in that time mate rooted thru gym bag and took out a pair of dirty drawers and started sniffing. he then put them in the microwave for 5 seconds to get more odour out, started sniffing them while wanking, then at his door was his sisters mate, looking horrified, then took the knickers out of his hand muttering something about them being hers................
(were all dEvO!!, Fri 4 Jun 2004, 10:25, Reply)

Remember: password protection and hidden files are your friends
So a friend of mine, while at uni, was fixing a computer for a course-mate who'd managed to spazz it up somehow. He does the work and, duly fixed, decides to check the file structure or something - suffice it to say he takes it on himself to have a look through the "my documents" folder.

Finding some .jpgs labelled "me 1" and so on, the potential for photoshopping fun is really quite overwhelming - so he opens them up.

Now, I know what you're all thinking - it's a photo of this bloke's member or something. Well, kind of - but this was in the days before cheap digital cameras. So how has the onanist captured his post-splurge, gently dribbling member for prosperity?

By squeezing it down on a flat-bed scanner, man-milk and all, and making several scans of it.

Several scans which somehow ended up on a departmental message board. Now how could that have happened?
(Fat Bear is adjusting your breasts on, Fri 4 Jun 2004, 9:42, Reply)

Hot jizz on a radiator
A friend of mine, The Python, used to direct all his naughty excretions at the radiator in his bedroom, purely to see how years of semen build up would react to the constant heat. Nice, eh?

Result - a strange marbled effect varnish on his radiator and a constant smell of corpses in his bedroom.
(Smell eep!, Fri 4 Jun 2004, 9:27, Reply)

a friend once told me
the fireman is magical, when you rub his helmet he spits in your eye
( Reme Philips laid an epic dump on, Fri 4 Jun 2004, 9:22, Reply)

The after rave tug
Not really a disaster, but some of you must remember the after raving/clubbing tug when you were single. You know the one.... after a night on speed and pills, it would take you ages just to get a stiffy (thats if your nob hadn't shrivelled away), then you would proceed to crack one off. The only problem was that 9 times out of 10 you would never cum and end up falling asleep with your cock in your hand!!
(manny fagnet, Fri 4 Jun 2004, 9:16, Reply)