another...
I've just remebered a lad we used to call 'Rusty', so called because he rubbed his pee pee on a rusty gatepost for a bet!

That's not the story though - he once rolled the aforementioned member in milky oats and got a goat to lick him clean!!

nice.
(cherry B, Tue 23 Jan 2007, 14:07, Reply)

hhhmmmm
My spider senses are picking up that perhaps frank spencer was a 'weird kid at school'


Then again they may be telling me not to judge.


I can never tell
(never-right -getting it wrong since '78, Tue 23 Jan 2007, 14:04, Reply)

Maggots? Maggots...Maggots
We had a new kid start halfway through year 5 and his name was Jason. I was instantly alerted to his presence when I walked onto the playground that morning and found him singing Elvis songs surrounded by a group of other kids. He was an attention whore, and always claimed to be the best at every thing any body happened to mention. He also claimed to have a games console that could play SNES, Megadrive, Master System, NES and Lynx games but never let us see it.

Anyway, I had the misfortune of having to sit next to him. One afternoon, as the sun was beating through the windows and making the air hot and stuffy, I suddenly detected the unmistakeable scent of maggots. I was quite a keen little fisherman back then and so recognised it instantly. Panic struck me as I thought I may have left a tub of the wriggly blighters in my bag from the previous evenings fishing.

Luckily this wasn't the case, but I decided to mention it to the teacher just in case. She said she'd 'look into it'. The day went on, and the smell continued to hang in the air. We were then about to leave the class when the teacher took me aside and told me she'd located the source of the odour.

"It's Jason's socks!"

He must have been wearing them for weeks. Obviously his toes weren't wriggling with maggots, but they happened to take on the exact same smell.

Years after leaving school I found that Jason was doing the Elvis impersonating thing full time. Let's hope no one had a whiff of his Blue Suede Shoes...
(TheRewAndHisLovelyVisor, Tue 23 Jan 2007, 14:01, Reply)

Ollie
Now ollie tried too hard to be everyone's friend and act cool.
Some unscrupulous chaps in my class pinched some milk of magnesia tablets from the chemistry labs (something about neutralising acids) and promptly sold them to him as "mangoes - the latest thing in all the clubs". Ollie proceeded to pop said mangoes at someone's 16th birthday party (held in a church hall no less - with our hero lpmasterblow behind the decks). Now obviously, no one gets a hallucinogenic effect or a huge feeling of euphoria from indigestion pills, but our Ollie did. He even managed to simulate feeling "really out of it". He certainly did feel out of it the next monday morning when he was let in on the joke.
Last heard to be working in New York, I expect he's trying to be everyone's mate there too.
(lpmasterblow, Tue 23 Jan 2007, 13:58, Reply)

The Sandpit of Doom
It was a warm Autumn afternoon. We were in PE, and were playing a game of football on the main pitch overlooked by the science/languages block.

Andrew M was sat in the sandpit, just behind one of the goals behind a small mound, having "forgotten his kit" for possibly the twentieth time (he was pretty shit and a complete lazy bastard).

The game passed without incident and the teachers called it a day.....which is where the fun began. As we walked off the pitch towards the changing rooms (which were behind the science block), we were strangely greeted with around 50 students at the upper floor windows giving us all the "wanker" sign.

Obviously most of us returned the compliment, but there was one individual at the back of the group who was more than a little sheepish (and surprisingly red-faced considering he had done naff-all all afternoon).

It soon became apparent that AndrewM had been furiously working one of his muscles in that sandpit, safe in the knowledge that we couldn't see. Oops, forgot about the rest of the school! Anyway, he was suspended and returned to school after a few weeks. Unfortunately the shame and jokes forced him to leave for good soon after.

That particular sandpit was never used again (during the time I was at the school anyway), and I'm sure the legend lives on today.
(5318008 it's the magic number!, Tue 23 Jan 2007, 13:41, Reply)

John
At High School, I was in year 7 and my brother in year 11, so little NJ took comfort in the fact that if she got into a spot of bother, big brother would come to teh rescue...wrong!

My brother befriended a lunatic, we'll call him John Marshall - for that was his name.

John was famous for burning his eyebrows off with a bunsen burner, challenging classmates to water drinking competitions, then promptly throwing up all down the corridors and the like.

On this particular day, little boffin NJ was in the computer room doing her work like a proper good like pupil when John Marshall saunters up behind and [snip!] cut my pony tail clean off! Thinking back on it, I can't really blame my brother for not rushing to my defence as the guy was clearly a bit nuts.

The only other one that sticks in my mind will be entitled "Blow Alice, Blow!", which was the daily request at the school gates from Alice Hancox's Mother. Alice seemed to have a permanently snotty nose (we're talking thick green stuff) which dribbled down from her nostrils and into her mouth - icky.
(NJ, Tue 23 Jan 2007, 13:34, Reply)

steve 'the bouncing check'
AT Uni, classmate; he was Ukrainian really but he would write you cheques for money borrowed which would, bounce, that is.
he called me one sat morning to come round and help him move, so I did, turns out he was doing a (having not paid rent)runner...from a couple who'd made him part of the family (inc free family meals) then wanted to move in with me: 'I'll pay rent, honest'
the weirdest; he was sharking sheena and despite her protestations (I don't want this) to the contrary he non dated her in a non relationship for a year, including carrying a picture of her round with him and going out to meet her, go to the movies/dinner/gig in which only he turned up...she was however actively slam shagging in the corner at one of those gigs, significantly, he failed to notice this consinsual (sp.) activity
(mickturate if i could be arsed i'd be bored, Tue 23 Jan 2007, 13:34, Reply)

Paul Crawford
Paul was expelled for having a wank in French while staring at the Student teacher, she was gorgeous though.

And he grabbed a girl by the shirt and ripped it off to reveal her tits to everyone. They were fantastic by the way.

Angela if you read this, Can I see them? I'll be nice.
(hudster, Tue 23 Jan 2007, 13:22, Reply)

Nik Nak
Niknak was in one class of mine, I don't know his real name, everyone called him niknak, even our Art teacher.

Niknak was the ultimate phsyco, he would beat the living shit out of anyone Just because he felt like it.

In an Art class he stabbed a pupil for getting a tiny spec of black paint on his blob of white poster paint. The pupil never grassed him up, he just went to the hospital and said he was mugged. But he did this for obvious reasons.

Nik Naks brother was even more mental. he was expelled for beating up another pupil, but as the pupil had grassed him, he came into the school, walked into the guys class and proceeded to kick the shit out of him, when the teacher intervined he gave him a hiding too.

Everyone knew what the family was capable of, so you kept it shut, if he wanted your bag, you gave him it, end of story.

Nice to know though that nik nak ended up a junkie, what goes around comes around eh?
(hudster, Tue 23 Jan 2007, 13:17, Reply)

Basingstoke......
during the late 70's early 80's we lived in Basingstoke , (at the time probably the most boring town in the world...But a bit mre interesting after 2 gruesome murders-1= when man kills his wife and dumps her body in a suitcase at the station 2= Bloke gets drunk- kills best mate- carves up best mate and scatters his remains i.e. arms legs eyes lips lungs etc all over local estate (Brighton Hill I think)) and the school reading programme was based on 'Rainbow Readers'..red easy sub infants- Violet ready for Secondary school-etc .One girl called Michele White was on red readers for all the time i knew her (about 3 years)didn't speak much generally a bit thick, looked like 'Benny' from Crossroads...One day managed to paint/ write something good enough to be shown to the Headmaster (this was the ultimate reward as the Headmaster was usually busy so you got to skive off lessons for hours waiting) On her return accross our huge playground the heavens opened with what can onl be desribed as a deluge-Soaking Michele to the skin and soaking her one decent bit of work!!! As our teacher Mrs Mayers was an 'Old Skool' type teacher she took charge herself and got Michelle out of her wet clothes and made her sit in knickers while her clothes dried on the radiators!!!! That afternoon we had to write a story-About 90% of us wrote about Michelle getting caught in the rain and had our stories put on the wall!!! Not really a story about the class weirdo (although she was a bit)......
(archstanton The gold is next to me....leave me be, Tue 23 Jan 2007, 13:07, Reply)

Andrew Foster
I went to an all boys school, I don't think there was anybody that WASN’T weird..

But Andrew was on a different planet... For money he would eat ANYTHING!...

List...

Vomit ... His own.. (a cup full)
Vomit ... Somebody Else’s (two table spoons)
Dog turd .. Brown.. ( a table spoon )
Dog turd .. White.. about half the turd..

And then half a jar of winkles !!!...

He set off the fire extinguishers.

Turned on the fire hoses (3rd floor! flooded down the steps nicely).

Slashed the seats in the sixth form centre.

Hollowed out books in the sixth form centre and hid the remains of stuff he didn't finish eating (half eaten lumps of dog turd, vomit, winkles and some very odd and smelly cheese).. He then put the books in the roof cavity above the suspended ceiling for the two weeks of Easter Hols... It took three weeks for the smell to clear after Easter!.. :-(

In 4th year he attacked me, flailing fists furiously, a razor blade between each knuckle.. (six razor blades (school taught me how to count!))

I hit him over the shoulder with a steel bar ( 1cm x 1 cm hardened steel, 12cm long!) that I just happened to have in my bag (said we were wierd!) ..

He collapsed screaming, only to get kicked in the kidneys by the maths teacher (who’d just walked in) and told, “stop being such a girl”..

Years later he told me that his shoulder still ached, “I’d probably fractured it with the steel bar..”

Ahh.. the good old days..
(bigdave40, Tue 23 Jan 2007, 12:57, Reply)

weird kids - all mine, privilege granted by natural idiot magnet
Anywhere, always, if there's any sexual interest in my humble person - it will be the Mayor of Schizoburg or Deputy Mayor, since day 1, it brought me to studying clinical psychiatry later on, for self protection, so here goes:

Nursery school - the one with constantly wet pants and eating his snot, there was something in his snot, i think now, as he usually tried to kiss me after "the snack", used to steal my tights and socks and wear them, i beat him up constantly.

High School - school basketball team captain, almost twice as high as myself, use to grab me by the scruff of the neck and carry wherever he needed, usually to dark corners, where he..no, not what you thought, he was trying to throttle me, in winter he'd carry me and then pull my shirt and throw snow, then rub it onto skin. Apart from "herr sportsman" - fattest guy in school, oh, he was tender, he just hit me gently, and then ran away laughing. He also liked falling off the chair when we had yearly class picture done, every bloody year, there's a missing chair in the first row, we all know he's lying down there, reportedly he's become a diplomat and married a model.

Uni - a group of 69 girls - there are 3 boys among us, ahh, ALIENS, not normal apparently, by arrival. All mine, all shapes and sizes, the three mental musketeers. One accompanied to the classes by his mom, she also brought his lunch, then returned to pick him, ages 18-23. Other... well it's too long already and sorry for the length.
(bonker banker, Tue 23 Jan 2007, 12:32, Reply)

Venusian verse
A girl at school was a real jizz bomb. She looked just like Vida Guerra (see google) and was a Catholic. Although she didn't believe in sex before marriage, pretty much anything else was OK. She once gave me a poem after a frenzied session in the art room store cupboard:

Why do the dads wave at me as I walk to school?
Why do my chesticles make all the boys drool?
I just want to live and love and be a poet;
I’m still a virgin, though you wouldn’t know it,
Cos I’ve had most every cock against my tongue
And I’ve tugged most every teacher, old and young.
Can I help it if I love the feel of heated meat
Betwixt my lips, or thrusting slickly between my teats?
I just love the groans and yelps and moans they make
As I blow their members during breaks.
I’m not a dirty girl – I just crave dick,
‘Specially when they’re bulging, long and thick.

What a weird kid!
(frankspencer, Tue 23 Jan 2007, 12:22, Reply)

Technically not in my class...
...and to be fair my school had a lot of wierd kids being in rural England - but two stood out far beyond the rest.

They were brother and sister who, though it sounds particularly harsh, if life was fair would not have been born.

Carol was a year above me, was built like a weight lifter complete with mono-brow, saturated greasy hair, cross-eyed stare at her own forehead and would regualrly shit herself.

David, a year younger, was equally blessed but had that just-been-pushed-out-of-a-door hobble run, whilst his elongated tongue swung from side to side.

There were rumours that their parents were brother and sister, and I did see them once on a parents' evening... and well, they certainly weren't all there. It was the kind of family that even that lot from The Texas Chainsaw Masacre would be embarressed to invite over.

To be fair I never actually saw anyone really have a go at them. Not even the meanest bullies were that cruel - but when I first started there, I was genuinely concerned that I'd been sent to a "special school".
( @><|= w0nu!) or cunt to my friends, Tue 23 Jan 2007, 12:13, Reply)

there was a weird
gal in my class who one day jus started hating thursdays because the questions the teacher set were not as good as the old days and no body seemed to like her so she attempted to do better in the questions but alas still no clicking i mean liking..erm that is the end

Peace

no gag but it makes her gag
(Fluent In Bentish Living in Scatman's World, tis being fun!, Tue 23 Jan 2007, 12:05, Reply)

Stevo...real nice bloke....
...funny as feck too....but looked like Burk from Trap Door (except for the blue colour, obviously) due to a spinal disorder and weighed about 15-16 stone. Due to his condition, he never took part in the top sports class (he can harldy walk, let alone run about), and spent most of his time in PE sitting about on top of a vault horse.

One particular day, a bully wanna-be Luke Lewis (I'll say his name, he was a cunt) walks past him while mouthing off to one of the small kids. He said something which really hurt this kid, and wouldn't leave up about it. He leans back smiling happily that he's crushed this kid's spirit and bumps into Stevo who's on top of this horse. Stevo gets mad.

He falls off the top of the horse, catches onto Luke's neck and gets him into a headlock. Somehow Luke managed to stand for about 4 or 5 seconds before the mass of extra weight toppled him. They rolled about for about 15 seconds, Stevo relentlessly trying to squeeze the life out of him while all of us, including the teachers, laffed like fuck at the cripple doing the bully in.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Tue 23 Jan 2007, 11:16, Reply)

My School...
... had two weirdos. There was one, who had been there for years, everyne loved him cos he was so stupid and would do literally anything, hit teachers etc... then one day, a new guy arrived 'Townsend'. Him and Wayne, the original weirdo, were sworn arch enemies, they would constantly be fighting every break time, and have a crowd... This crowd usually included the dinner ladies as well, they weren't friends of Townsend and once even encouraged Wayne to throw rocks at him. They were my entertainment for 3 good years worth of break times and lunch. Soon after moving to secondary school, someone realised that they were speshul and so they moved to speshul schools... alas i had to embarrass myself trying to play football for the rest of my school lunch breaks.

Long time reader... first time poster
(The Kwyjibo A big, dumb, balding North American ape., Tue 23 Jan 2007, 11:05, Reply)

Weird girl at work..
Too many strange incidents to recount but her finest was when she shat herself and sat in it all day. Seriously. It was horrific. One very brave team member eventually said, why don't I take you home.
The rest were busy trying to un-curl our toes and restore normal breathing patterns.
(Siouxfan I'm not staring at you, I am just short sighted, Tue 23 Jan 2007, 11:03, Reply)

There was a guy in my class named Paul
Who had legs noticeably shorter than his torso. He was normal height and everything and a really cool guy, he just looked kinda out of proportion.

Anyway, we went to a mountain park once and he fell off of a small cliff and kicked his legs on the way down, hit a tree branch and did a bit of a flip. I was laughing a bit as I ran up to see whether he was okay. He was, thankfully.
( Syncubus Yarr! Ye'll be walking Planck's Constant! [GMT-5], Tue 23 Jan 2007, 10:43, Reply)

Fat Grunting Boy
There was a kid called Patterson who used to make grunting noises. During cross country, however, the grunting would turn into an engine noise as he sped up (which didn't last very long). I seem to remember him having a sidekick called Stacey. He was equally weird. His dad was, apparently, but very likely, a high member of the Masons. Stacey also made the same noises as he ran.

There was also another guy who was built like a brick shit house, but was dim as you like. Like Lenny in 'Of Mice and Men'. He claimed he was going out with Billie Piper (Honey 2 Tha B era), he said his dad was black ("I say 'beer-can', not 'bacon'"), and he claimed he had a tattoo of Foghorn Leghorn on his lower thigh, which he refused to show us. I think he's a bus driver now. That private school education gone to good use then...
(GaryRhodes, Tue 23 Jan 2007, 10:23, Reply)

Weird Kid in WORK
A few years back I was working as a sales monkey in TV airtime sales and as places like that do-they had the usual weird mix of failed media wannabes,graduate losers and barrow boy spivs in their employ.
One particular chap, however, REALLY stood out from the crowd.
* On his 1st day he came in wearing a shirt covered in paint-explaining he had been decorating his bedroom the night before
* Shortly after him joining the company went on a conference jolly to Malta where he launched into an impromtu display of Magic tricks in front of a stunned audience, the magic tricks all failed and he came across a bit like a posh, unfunny, confused Tommy Cooper
* After a month working there he started eating paper at his desk and then brought his mum and dad into show them round the office
* After 3 months paper eating weirdness and one instance of him sleeping in the office because 'he felt wanted there'-the company sacked him and not being too happy he decided to take drastic action, he went along to the company's Tv studios and told the startled security staff that he had a bomb strapped to himself and he was going to let it off. After being wrestled to the floor by armed police it was found that he had a string of sausages and 2 coke cans tied to his chest....

I dont think they let him home to get his pyjamas
( bigmeuprudeboy is using powerpoint or paint...have MERCY, Tue 23 Jan 2007, 10:21, Reply)

I'm from Holland and:
In maths class, two 15/16 year old blokes(including me) would offer this Yankee girl (exchange-program) some fine pieces of selfmade native Low-lands art. Once we drew an avant-gardishly huge blue cock on a sheet of paper and captioned it 'Dutch Culture'. We will never know whether she really appreciated it, as, from the moment of showing the drawing, we were struggling not to shit/piss ourselves for hours. A couple of days later she went back to the USA. In a hurry. We might have contributed to a sudden attack of homesickness, but it was learnt that her early departure was mainly due to her shagging a member of her host family.

But before I am unwittingly proposing US as the weird kids: she also looked like a hare and talked like she was constantly suffocating. The noise of scratching a blackboard comes close. Other classmates also made her wear thongs, as these were not yet existant in the USA (we're talking 2003 AD) and girls who dared to wear normal knickers were bound to social isolation (Quite moronic now I come to think of it).

It was quite rectangular. About 13 x 8 inches, balls included.
(Le Man Marathon in English 'The Marathon Man', Tue 23 Jan 2007, 10:10, Reply)

Hang on a minute
site:b3ta.com "my name"

*phew*
(Generator cannot be named for legal reasons, Tue 23 Jan 2007, 10:01, Reply)

Friends Reunited
Find out what they're doing now! Here's the Friends Reunited entry for a couple of weirdos from my school days...

"Live alone in Heaton Chapel, Stockport. Went to Cambridge University but had breakdown at the time of my finals. Been on sick since but working on personal projects." - I bet! Muttering to yourself and making those strange finger movements, no doubt. Brainy guy though.

This one used to eat dog poo! "Living under the name of Raven Macneil, am performance musician, primary adress in Brixton London, second adress in Bath, somerset, where my two children, Dove and Jupiter attend school and nursery. I play electric gutiar, hammer dulcimer and didgerydoo, My CD "The Rapture" in process of uploading to mp3. Presently recordin second CD, dulcimer based, and playing nightclubs round London."
(finbarr, Tue 23 Jan 2007, 10:01, Reply)

Posties
I think we need a new QOTW for posties. Last year he left an Amazon parcel round the back of the house, outside in the rain, without actually popping a note through the door. It was only by chance I noticed it leaning up against the bin.

Then there was the classic where we came home one day and the front flap of the letterbox is lying on the floor, having being ripped off by his sausage-fingers, (it's still not fixed) and my boyf's bank statement hanging out of the door for all to see.

To cap it all, last week I came home to a piece of junk mail with a substance that I can only assume was dog shit on it?!
(finbarr, Tue 23 Jan 2007, 9:52, Reply)

Sadly teenage pregnancy isn't weird in a state comprehensive
But Julia* deserves a special mention. At the beginning of Year 8 (beginning of secondary school for my spacky education authority) Julia claimed to be pregnant. I thought she was probably making it up, or at least I hoped she was - apart from the fact that being up the duff at the age of twelve is generally not a good thing, the father had been at my primary school and he was absolute scum. Three months later, there was a definite swelling which she was hiding under baggy shirts. Julia was very slim and there's no way this could have been down to a few too many pies. She was hiding it from her mother - there were only two of us who knew.

Julia disappeared from school a couple of months later and never returned.

So Daniel Cockmeister** had got her up the duff the summer after they left primary school. Words can't even begin to describe what an evil bastard this kid was. He used to bully me at primary school and whenever I run into him - fifteen years later - he still yells abuse at me. He also once tried to run me over in his cruddy red Ford Fiesta. The thought that the spawn of this scum might have come into the world only thirteen years after he did genuinely scares me.

* Name changed for the anonymity of a nice but dim girl.
** Name changed because he'd probably come after me with an axe if he read this.
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Tue 23 Jan 2007, 9:52, Reply)

A-lot-o-spods
Jesus, where to start.

One kid at junior school who always wore his 'parker' - (y'know blue with orange inner and fuzzy snood hood) zipped right up so you could only see his eyes then creep up behind you and say*:

"black rabbits coming out my willy"

Then there was the kid at senior school who loved buses so much he used to go round his estate on his mums shopper pretending he was a bus - he actually had a timetable and everything and stopped at each bus stop etc.

Another kid who looked just like Clive Anderson.

A lad at college who could snort a small screw up into his sinus' and squeeze it out of through his tear duct**, he also had a collection of each of his bodily fluids in small containers in his pencil case.



*he did this to everyone not just me.
**completely true.
(cherry B, Tue 23 Jan 2007, 9:51, Reply)

Captain Haddock - re: post office
Yes, you're right.

I spent a summer between years at uni working in the post office depot to earn beer money. I later discovered many of the thicker monkeys from my school already worked there and had done since leaving school at 16.

The final insult, as a t-shirt wearing student who walked into the job that week I was earning more per hour than them who had been there 4 years already...
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Tue 23 Jan 2007, 9:28, Reply)

Period pills
"Those are period pills!" (her exact words, so I can only assume what they were.) So this guy was dealing estrogen to his friends. Nice one.

Actually, they were probably Midol or Ponstan, for stopping period pain. I can't imagine a teenage girl recognising estrogen pills (having a menopausal mother, I now know that hormones come in weird Laxette-like tabs).

Still haven't seen myself posted about yet...
(Emily Bruce-Dickinson http://jovialfellow.blogspot.com/, Tue 23 Jan 2007, 8:31, Reply)

The Post Office?
I think a lot of kids described on this page must've grown up and found comfortable careers in our Postal Service, here's my reasoning...

1. My current postman crams anything he can through my letterbox, despite my stopping him and asking him (nicely)to either put it round the side of the house, or leave it behind the flowerpot beside my front door, he simply grunts and next day tries to cram a shoebox through my door.

2. The Parcel Force driver who I watched walk up my driveway and post a "Sorry we missed you" note through the door. I opened said door and told him if he rang the bell he wouldnt miss me, waving the note in his face. "I never wrote that" he replied. What *can* you say?

3. Most Post Office van drivers seem to have no idea there is anyone else on the road, pulling out in front of cars and causing accidents, screeching to a halt like Starsky and fucking Hutch outside my house at 6am with music blaring out.

Clear signs that at school they were muttering away to themselves and setting fire to peoples clothes.
(LunarJim, Tue 23 Jan 2007, 8:29, Reply)