Teenage Kicks
Young dry sex with clothes on. Amazingly, all the right sensations were there. I spluffed into my boxers/jeans and had to pretend I hadn't (that's fucking hard work). I then had to take her for a 20 minute walk back to her parents house, where they sat me down for a cup of tea and a chit-chat.

By Christ, that was damp, sticky and uncomfortable.
(Mozchops ... just not in the face, Fri 22 Jun 2007, 8:51, Reply)

And again...
Pulled a lass from work. She was a churchgoer but that's not a problem. Before we did the deed though she went down on her knees and prayed for the sin she was about to commit. Still did her but didn't go back for seconds.
(hypostomus, Fri 22 Jun 2007, 8:06, Reply)

Arf
Woof thats nasty
(Staffs Giraffe, Fri 22 Jun 2007, 2:03, Reply)

afterwards...
i found an undisgested piece of sweet corn under my foreskin. put me off anal until further notice.
( bierbelly, Fri 22 Jun 2007, 0:28, Reply)

Back in Glasgow when I was a piercing nut...
When I was say, 14, there was a girl I'll refer to as Elle...This poor creature had some terrible eczema all over and a gaping hole where self-esteem should have been.

I had in the week previous to my 14th birthday, got drunk and made out with her in a place near Argyle street where all us "gothics" as the neds loved to shout, would hang out.

I "dumped" her within hours as I sobered up and realised she thought this meant we were an item and had been jubilantly telling girls I knew about my awesome cock(Thanks Elle, you got me mucho laid later)...

Now with my B'day approaching fast and being horny and stupid, I answer a call from Elle whereupon she proceeds to entice me into doing it with her...and honestly, for such a not very attractive girl...she had a GREAT way with words. Some things were suggested and I said she should come over on my birthday and do them as a "gift".

I decided in the next few days to give myself a new piercing...a septum piercing(bullring for all you tard-mericans who don't know what it is)...my method involved heating a sharpened kilt pin to "burn off germs", then cooling it and wapping it through my septum...hurt like a bitch but transcendent feeling afterwards...anyway...on my birthday...8am no less, comes a tapping on my window...

"Happy Birthday" she says as she climbs in the window(I still lived with ma and pa) and proceeds to strip...now although covered in eczema. her body was pretty svelte and she was making inroads to touching my tadger so we proceed to the bed where passionate, closed-eye smooching and fervent, grinding and wanking could begin...I all of a sudden feel real wet and thought to myself "wow, she's got me really sweaty already?"

Open my eyes to find my nose PISHING blood on her tits, face...everything...

she's laying on her back, eczema sores glistening with my fresh blood, her eyes closed and still writhing on my fingers.

Killed my boner as quick as Simon Weston's face.

Never saw her again after I kicked her out of my house. funny that...

/take that length inside youse.
(Sunny Govan Mr McCuntywankybollocks, Thu 21 Jun 2007, 22:54, Reply)

I once had a wank on a bus.
Does that count?
( WormuIus, Thu 21 Jun 2007, 21:29, Reply)

Schizophrenic sheep-
that reads like some of the better free form poetry I've heard recited by art school girls at open mike night.

Forgive me, but it made me laugh like hell.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 21 Jun 2007, 20:03, Reply)

red
she was bleeding and didn't know

we discovered it mid act.

we just carried on.

Of course the sheets had to be thrown out. There was even a nice bloody hand print on my bed board afterwards.

At least i know blood doesn't turn me on, but it doesn't turn me off either.

hmm that isn't my worse sex story.

well i don't have a worse one, but i bet i gave one to someone else. I'm just not into guys
( schizophrenic_sheep, Thu 21 Jun 2007, 19:22, Reply)

more crap sex
The time I didn't douche properly with my ex, sat on his cock to ride around a little, then came off it to reveal what can only be described as oxtail soup all over his dick. Nice.

The Thai student who would only do it to Celine Dion's "My heart will go on". Still hate that bitch.

The guy with the miniscule dick who wanted me to cry while he spanked me.

The guy who fucked me for two seconds then whispered in my ear, "you don't have to do this to yourself, you know." Cunt.
(badfox1 wonders who he's played by this episode on, Thu 21 Jun 2007, 19:22, Reply)

Thora Hird
Picture the scene. It's Sunday evening and the autumn sunset is shining outside. A younger and less wise 6300 miles away is making mad passionate love to his then wife (now ex). Now to say this lady is religious would be an understatement. Anyway, things seem to be going well and everything's good in the world when she looks straight into my eye, opens her mouth and sensously speaks......


"Hurry up, Songs of Praise is only in five minutes."

The thought of Thora Hird does nothing to enhance the wonderful experience that is sex and I regret to say that events didn't reach a conclusiion.

Still, as my girlfriend said, at least she complained that it was taking too long, most men have the opposite problem.

:)
(6300 miles away from happiness, Thu 21 Jun 2007, 19:19, Reply)

My first time
My first time was with a fat ginger bird. Not only was it crap, but she told me she was pregnant afterwards. She was lying. It screwed my head up for a good while. Still hate her.
(badfox1 wonders who he's played by this episode on, Thu 21 Jun 2007, 19:14, Reply)

Another one...
A few years back I played guitar in a folk duo with a lass who sang called Julie. We were kind of a poor man's Richard & Linda Thompson. Which was lucky because Julie would only sing songs by R< and Sandy Denny/Fairport Convention, which cut the reportoire down a bit. Now, Julie was fit as a butcher's dog. Of a certain age, blonde hair, a bit like Dolly Parton's rougher sister. Would I do her if I had the chance? Oh yeah, still would.
Julie had a bloke, a big butch biker bloke called Mark. So, one fine day I'm up her house, we've rehearsed for a while, sunk a few beers, and all three of us are couddled up on the couch. Mark's playing with her snatch, I'm fondling her tits and thinking yay, threesome ahoy. Which is when Julie announces she doesn't feel like it. I was somewhat disappointed but hey, what can you say? Which is the moment that Mark says "Oh, if Julie doesn't fancy it why don't you shag me?" To cut a long story short he liked a rough anal shag (which I didn't provide, I must say). Basically, Julie used to rag his arse raw on a regular basis and he didn't like her to stop until he screaming in pain with blood pissing out of his arse. And now he felt like having something warm go up there. It's such an erotic image isn't it? I made my excuses and left and the folk duo split up a couple of days later. (I'd also found out Julie had been working on her back, the reviews are still on Punternet if you know the right name to search for. Hint: dead folk singer.)
(hypostomus, Thu 21 Jun 2007, 19:03, Reply)

hmm...
The most surprising if not necessarily worst sex I've ever had was with a Glaswegian taxi driver called Sean on a beach in Corfu about 10 years ago. There we are doing the deed early one morning when... you've all heard the tale about the dog sticking it's nose up your arse? Well on this occasion this large black beast wanted more. As in, he wanted to jump on and join in. Having a cross between a great dane and a shetland pony trying to poke you whilst you're simulataeneously trying to keep shagging and fend the bugger off is not funny. Oh, and when I was done I stuck my head up to find a line of awestruck fifteen year olds watching. One of them stroked my ego wonderfully by saying "My God, it's huge!". I feel sorry for the poor sod, 'cos I've only got the standard six inches.
(hypostomus, Thu 21 Jun 2007, 18:54, Reply)

actually you don't shout spider man
it's "go web go!"
(commodore modesty, Thu 21 Jun 2007, 18:39, Reply)

Spiderman
that's where you pull out in the vinegar strokes and fire it into their face yelling spiderman!
(sailorspoon started wiping his own arse from, Thu 21 Jun 2007, 18:33, Reply)

Spiderman
Go web! Go!
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 21 Jun 2007, 17:48, Reply)

Spiderman?
Let me guess... does it involve ejaculating into one's hand, and then flinging the resultant mess into the other person's face?
( flake has nothing against your right leg, Thu 21 Jun 2007, 17:39, Reply)

not me
but my friend karl, who is an adventurous fellow. He likes to do silly things with some of his conquests.

like the time he takes home some lass he picked up in the club. he fell asleep, during play, on top. Both arms locked, propping him up from the bed. presumabl snoring as loud as he usually does.
the next thing he knows is it's morning, she's gone, and he has a MASSIVE foot-shaped bruise on his chest.

or the time his girlfriend bit him 'down there'.
Mind you, she was justified, cos while she was doing the deed, he was watching the snooker, and started clapping as 'hendry got a century break'.

he's done funnier things, but he (and we) think they're fantastic, such as the time he did a 'spiderman' on some unsuspecting girl. they'd be much better in a 'silly things youve done during sex' QotW
( lo, the Greebo Warrior - Est. 2002, Thu 21 Jun 2007, 17:33, Reply)

ancrenne
wow, you really are a disgusting fucking whore...
(Dame Throktar McBurgermuff, Thu 21 Jun 2007, 17:11, Reply)

Best place I ever had public sex!
www.virtualblueridge.com/parkway_tour/overlooks/00019.asp

Just beyond that stone retaining wall is a ledge, then a hill that turns into a cliff. I got laid at the bottom of said retaining wall.

Good times...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 21 Jun 2007, 16:38, Reply)

Valentine's Day
I met a girl near the end of the night, who was a rather excellent blonde goth. Delighted at my luck, I followed her to the taxi which took us to her flat. Back there, we did a lot of sex, all sorts, while listening to an odd mix of Marilyn Manson and Bush by the light of her lava lamp. I woke the next morning feeling satisfied but a little sick from the hangover. She woke about the same time and I gave her a morning kiss. She looked at me in horror at first but said it was nothing. After 5 minutes or so of very strained conversation, I decided to go for a pee and head home, assuming she didn't like what she saw. Upon looking in the bathroom mirror I realised that my whole face, from just below my eyes, my neck, chest, hands, stomach and thighs were covered in dried blood. I washed it off in the sink and went back to the girl and she didn't mention a thing and I never asked.

We continued our arrangement for about 4 weeks until I accidentally came in her eye, which seemed to have an effect on her ability to answer my calls.
( drbroon abloooobloobloo, Thu 21 Jun 2007, 16:30, Reply)

Just to finish off!
Worst sex I ever dreamt I had.

In a park, among the bushes with Eddie Murphy laughing like a loon!


I win!
( girlinthehole, Thu 21 Jun 2007, 16:17, Reply)

Not my story, thank bog...
My girlfriend tells the story of a friend of hers who was giving her hubby a blowjob (apparently a rare occurrence) when, in mid-suck, he said, "Hey, could you set the alarm? I gotta get up at six."

I think he managed to keep his equipment, but that was the last blowjob he ever got from her...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 21 Jun 2007, 15:43, Reply)

Last night
Mid-coitus, the young lady asks me:

"What does the J stand for in 'JD' from scrubs"

wtf

Killed the mood a bit. However I think I qualify for the worst sex ever if that was the most pressing thing on her mind at the time.
(Just_Mister, Thu 21 Jun 2007, 15:22, Reply)

i was drunk so was she
it was like having sex with a log

nuff said
(gobbledegook blurs the line between lurking and stalking, Thu 21 Jun 2007, 15:01, Reply)

Papa, can you hear me?
I once shagged a guy who could only have sex while listening to the soundtrack from "Yentl".

Length? 47 minutes 24 seconds. On repeat.
(tattoosydney should be going to bed...., Thu 21 Jun 2007, 14:30, Reply)

Not my worst sex, but definitely the weirdest...
I once picked up a nice young man on the internet one evening and invited him over to my house. We had a joint and some of that gay anal sex that so many of the 16 year olds on here seem to find so gross. All very nice, so he slept over.

The next morning, when we woke up, we started in for another go. Suddenly I noticed that there was bright, wet, red stuff all over his hands and his body, that was now all over me as well. This caused me to panic slightly - no one likes a bleeding todger.

After a few minutes of inspection, it appeared that nothing was cut or bleeding on either of us. However, the mood was definitely ruined, so he went home.

It was only after he left that I found, on his side of the bed, a red whiteboard marker. I can only assume that (for some reason) he had gotten up during the night, hunted through my desk, found a big red texta, drawn all over his body with it, and gone back to sleep ...
(tattoosydney should be going to bed...., Thu 21 Jun 2007, 14:14, Reply)

having sex

with Nikki Webster would make you feel guilty wouldn't it?
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 21 Jun 2007, 14:02, Reply)

Am i the only person
who is turned on by the idea of a lady throwing up on my cock?
( 100% Cock Raw like carrots., Thu 21 Jun 2007, 14:01, Reply)

NSFF
Jugular - almost all of this QotW is NSFF.

I've been feeling sick all week reading this stuff. It almost put me off having sex ever again.

But it hasn't!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 21 Jun 2007, 13:15, Reply)