» Family codes and rituals

H.A.S A.G.M
Firstly neither myself or anyone invold in this ritual side with or agree with Nazis but...

Every christmas sparkley tinsel moustaches are worn (the tinsel you find around crackers), we all become shouty German types, my uncle takes on a camp christmas Hitler persona and we spend the majority of the day slowly getting more drunk and yelling/singing in German accents at one another.

So christmas is now known as the Hitler Appreciation Society - Annual General Meeting.
H.A.S AGM invites go out every year.

x
(Fri 21st Nov 2008, 2:11, More)

» Tightwads

Tight, yes - Mean, no
My great aunt and uncle have a nice home, and nice things, but pensions are shit and they need to save every penny to be able to keep those nice things in their nice house.

So calling on them after dark can be tricky as they love to save on lighting costs: -

From the outside the house looks empty as EVERY light in the house is off. Only when you enter can you see the TV is the only thing on.

My uncle uses his LED head torch to navagate the house.

Also, for nightime peeing trips (as old folk seem to do quite a lot of) the colour change solar powered gnomes get brought in from the garden to light the way in a crazy silent rave way.

Bless um.
(Fri 24th Oct 2008, 9:19, More)

» When were you last really scared?

Backyard bogie men
My friend and I decide to 'vist' (scare the shit out of) a girlfriend who is home alone as her parents where off watching turtles shoot eggs out their hoo-haas on some beach in Oman.

We crept around the back of the house and watched her through the blinds at the patio doors. There she is innocently chitty chatting to someone on the phone... it was just like in a movie, she is talking and walking and we are watching and creeping. We prepare our attire - woolie scarf masks - and as she approaches the window we burst out from behind the shrubbery and pound violently on the glass. She screams blue murder , drops the phone, her eyes boggle and (strangely) she starts hopping from one foot to the other. After a good 30 seconds her adrenaline levels subside enough to see it's us. Mass hysteria from her and mass hysterics from us ensues.

She did, bless her, get over it. Her mother - the one on the phone who was 4,000 miles away and hears her daughter's final words of 'I think there's someone is the garden' her dying scream and then the phone going dead never EVER forgave us...

I wouldn't have either.

Me = twisted twat!
(Fri 23rd Feb 2007, 4:09, More)

» Guilty Pleasures, part 2

Smug Cow...
I take enourmous pleasure in driving at the speed limit and watching the driver behind me mere moments away from a rage induced stroke.

(Except, of course, on the motorway where it is every man for himself)

I also do it to save on fuel, it's stunning how much you can save if you don't drive like a wanker.
(Sun 16th Mar 2008, 15:55, More)

» Too much information

'Pardon Me'
Sat having lunch in a pub with my best mate...

I let out a nice round beer induced burp... and before I could stop myself I tell her "cor that tasted of sperm"

Poor cow.
(Sat 8th Sep 2007, 4:35, More)