» My Worst Date

Not as bad as some of yours...
Last Hallowe'en, I dated a short girl with rather large norks. We went to a Hallowe'en party, and she began to drink. Well, about an hour later, she managed to drop an iced cupcake onto her chest, leaving a large splotch of orange-&-white icing there on her right breast. She didn't notice, and I didn't want to point it out, since we had just met a few days before, and didn't want her to think I was making a pass at her.

Well, a little while later, she had vanished on me, but when she came back, her icing was smeared, and I noticed three other guys (all in black Hallowe'en costumes) with icing smeared on them - right about where it should be had my date embraced them with icing all over herself.

And one with icing smears down around his left thigh.
(Fri 22nd Oct 2004, 21:13, More)

» Out of my depth

Talent Show
Oh yes, I had forgotten...

In my last year of high school, I was approached to do a dramatic reading of some of my writings for an audience. There was to be a fund-raising talent show, and needed all the "talent" they could find.

Well, I decided to do something a little fun. I had written a first-person narrative from my grandmum's point of view, and thought it'd get a laugh if I did it in Grandmum garb.

Up on stage, dressed and acting like an old hypochondriac woman, I did my best to solicit a laugh from the audience. Instead, there was just an awkward, embarrassed silence. Someone in the audience started shouting something at me (I couldn't hear over the sound of my heart pumping blood behind my ears), and I realized my writing wasn't nearly as funny as it had been earlier that week.

Humiliated, this boy-in-a-dress slunk off-stage, where I learned that the fund-raiser wasn't for cancer (as I had believed), but to help pay for medical supplies for an elderly woman suffering from cancer. Everyone treated me horribly off-stage.

I ended up having to go back on and apologize to the audience, and explain that I didn't know exactly what we were raising funds for. In drag, sans silver wig.

(Same auditorium as the "Abstinence Lecture." I still hate that fucking place.)
(Wed 20th Oct 2004, 20:18, More)

» Things you've done when you've had no money.

When my wife ran off with all the money...
I waited until 9 p.m. or so (when the local shops closed for the night), and then went door-to-door borrowing cat food from the neighbours. I claimed my cat was hungry, and had forgotten to buy cat food.

I then split the "good stuff" with my kitty. See, I was too proud to admit my wife had cleaned out the bank account, and I had no food in the house. It took three days of hunger, but I did sink that low.

After that, I resorted to stealing from co-worker's lunch boxes until I got paid from my job (about a week and a half later). I think they suspected, but no one said anything.
(Fri 8th Oct 2004, 17:54, More)

» Out of my depth

Yay Abstinence
I went to a Catholic school, where we never really learned about sex - but abstinence was heavily lectured upon.

One day, the school held a guest speaker assembly in the auditorium. Towards the end, the female speaker came up with a really sickening rhyme about "Say no to sex," and received a lot of applause. I made a rude comment about it, which was overheard by a strict teacher.

Anyhow, this teacher insisted that - to make up for my rudeness - I ask a question during the speaker's Q&A session, right then and there. So I stood up, and didn't know quite what to say.

"Is it okay to have... you know, sex... if you don't want babies? ...But are married?" I asked, the first thing I could think of.

She laughed at me, and said, "What, do you plan on doing it twice during your whole life?"

I was out of my depth, and so I said, "I guess."

The whole high school laughed, and never forgot it. I never got laid for years after that.
(Wed 20th Oct 2004, 19:54, More)

» Embarrassing Injuries

Glass
I was, perhaps, eight or nine years of age when my class went on a picnic in a "mildly" wooded area. It was a part of a theme we had been learning about. Well, I guess I ended up sitting in some grass where some people had a wild drinking binge, because I ended up puncturing my scrotum with a shard of broken beer bottle.

I was so embarrassed by it, I didn't do anything about it for three days, when my Gran finally had to look at it (it was infected). I got sent to the doctor, who yelled at me for not having it looked at sooner.
(Thu 2nd Sep 2004, 15:58, More)