» Mini Cabs From Hell

I live in Malta,
so unless you drive or catch the 'late' bus home from the pubs (which leave at 1:30am latest), you have to get a taxi. In Paceville (the entertainment 'hub' of the island), there are two cab companies. Wembleys or Freephone.

My most bizarre experiences have been with Wembley. If you live in an out of the way area, like Tarxien or Mgarr you have to wait an average of about 20 minutes before enough people are going in your direction, then they fill up the cab or mini-van and bobs your sisters brother. Sometime in June last year I was waiting in one of these white vans which gradually filled up and got going. The driver turned to ask everyone where they wanted to go and we set off. No seat belts, at break-neck speed. Maltese roads being what they are you risk chafing your skull against the roof. I sat up front with the driver who started up a conversation with me. When he found out I was english he made sure he dropped me off last, and spent almost an hour trying to have a conversation with me about computer aviation simulators, about which I know fuck all. I was pissed, sorry Vince.

Last week got a cab home with Freephone. Waited in line with a bunch of Arab types. One of them was really pissed up and sat next to me. "Oh fuck," i thought, "He's going to puke" and sure enough, as the mini-van eased its way spasmodically forewards onto our potholed roads and jumped and bounced its way all the way up regional road, old mohammed started to groan. But then he put his hands to his mouth and nothing, no hurling! I was amazed at his self control. Anyway, when the spunt got out of the van he did a runner (you have to pay before you get it, so its not a big deal) thats when I discovered the sneaky bastard *had* been sick and just managed to do it in complete silence.
Stealth vomiting!
(Thu 27th May 2004, 14:59, More)

» Evidence that you're getting old

Oooh me bones
As you get older, there are three things you lose.
The first is memory,
and
bugger, I forgot the other two.

Ah.... great days.
(Sun 31st Oct 2004, 13:03, More)

» Singing the wrong words

singing the wrong words ON PURPOSE!!! :o
When Freddy Mercury bit the big one (and I don't mean Ron Jeremy's Cock) a song came out shortly after called 'Living on my own' - a posthummus (I KNOW) remix which got changed to;

"de doo de det
de doo de det
I ain't got no time for embalming flu-id
de doo de det
de doo de det
I'm decomposing 'posing yeah

someone made an ashtray out'o my head

living in a tomb"

Also - what's that muppet called, not enrqiue, the other one. Ricky Martin,

"She pongs, she pongs,
oh baby yeah
like poo, like poo,
oh baby
cos she never took a shower
and she stinks like pee"

etc
(Thu 27th Jan 2005, 14:33, More)

» World's Most Hated Food

Artichokes
are the devil's biscuit.
They are simply vomit flavoured leaves and other people seem to delight in mashing them to a pulp and sticking them in half a boiled egg or else just stripping off the leaves on their teeth. I'd rather lick a bubonic elephant's left nut.
(Mon 12th Jul 2004, 23:02, More)

» Pet Names

My Mate's Hamster
My mate in Munster had a Hamster,
see, it's HAMSTER, not Hampster or Hapmster
called SPG (Special Patrol Group) after Vivien from the Young Ones' Hamster. Him and this other mate used to get high and roll the poor bugger around and down stairs in his walker ball - but he could take it cos he was HARD. And he used to climb curtains and kamikaze dive aswell.
(Thu 26th Feb 2004, 19:11, More)