» Cheap Tat

Shockers
Working on a big outdoor arts event in birmingham, about 15 years ago, I set out to find some lunch for my crew. It was sunday and everywhere around the site was shut. Kept looking and finally found a little corner shop open.

All I could get my hands on was a sorry assortment of biscuits, sweets and crisps. All were mysterious crap brands. One thing that caught my eye was packets of 'Shockers' "Four licorice flavour gumballs, which ones the shocker" Bought a packet each for everyones desert.

Back at base after our hearty meal our game of gumball russian roulette begins.

Taking it in turns to chomp on the gumballs we speculate on what the shock might be

Could it maybe be really hot?
Or really sour?
Oh hang on, has it made my tongue blue?

Three gumballs gone, one left in the packet and so far no shocks.

I bite into it and immediately start to retch uncontrollably

Squinting at the packet I discover that the mystery ingredient is.... Ammonia. Like biting into one of the bleach blocks you get in urinals. Well I have to confess I didn't see that coming, that was indeed quite a shock.

Never saw them on the shelves again either
(Wed 9th Jan 2008, 19:11, More)

» Pubs

501s
Back during a time when Levi 501s were a big deal - branded jeans, rather than unbranded jeans, seems quaint now - me and a bunch of my student house mates wandered down to the Fighting Cocks for some pints. It was a busy night but we arrived just as a bunch of people were scraping their chairs to leave, so almost two steps in the door we had a table to ourselves in a packed thronging pub. Result!

Drinks in, the session commences. Theres a bunch of people standing beside us and someone amongst them is holding court - full of the gab, full of the stories, very animated. He takes a step back to emphasise something and clatters into our table, enough to send all the glasses wobbling, but luckily non fall over.

He spins round, mid anecdote, and apologises profusely. Its a long apology and it turns into a bit of a performance, introductions, banter, hilarity. Its a strange act - stories, jokes, facts, questions. But its weird, its almost like he's busking. Can't remember any of it, there was just a lot of it. He's holding our court now.

As the evening wears on his pals get bored and restless, tug his shirt, but he keeps going. One of them grabs the back pocket of his 501s and starts trying to pull him away. Our new friend keeps gabbing, but with the addition now of nose taps and winks. More pulling, and he's holding onto the table and still won't stop talking, when

-RRRRIPPP-

the pocket on his jeans tears, its left flapping by the rivets.

Theres a sudden silence, we're poised to jump in and fight for the valour of OUR friend, they tore his Levi's for gods sake! People only have one pair!


Then he just carries on, more banter and more banter. More attempts by his pals to steal him away. They end up grabbing both back pockets, and with him and us grasping the table, its a tug of war. Somehow he's still talking.


RRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIPPP

He stands before us with the front of his jeans hanging from the waistband like a gay cowboy's chaps, the back of them is lying on the floor attached only by the hems round his ankles.

Theres a long pause, everyone in the pub goes quite. He has a shuffle around with the back of his pants following him around like a badly drawn shadow.

"You cunt!" Someone shouts from behind him "Every time you come and crash at my house you nick a pair of my boxer shorts"

He leans into to us "Wait til he realises these are his jeans tool"
(Fri 6th Feb 2009, 19:41, More)

» Stuff You've Overheard

can't help but overhear
my friend's gran who's hearing is going, so friendly advice whispered in your ear gets broadcast to the whole room, like

'DON'T GET FAT LIKE YOUR DAD', who was standing right next to me,

or muttering to herself while flicking through some of the more adult chanels on Sky

'IF I'D KNOWN ABOUT ORAL SEX BEFORE I GOT MARRIED I WOULDN'T HAVE GOTTEN MARRIED'




I also overheard a fragment of a row between two blokes walking past me at the Ashton Court Festival several years back, with one of the blokes saying

"of for god's sake I can't take you anywhere!" then under his breath and slightly dispondently "not even up the arse"
(Thu 10th Jun 2004, 8:24, More)

» Injured Siblings

it was the eighties
and we wore tight, tight jeans. I got my younger brother to put his hands in his pockets and stand with his legs wide apart (trapping his hands) I stood behind him and gave a gentle push, then watched him fall flat on his nose
(Thu 18th Aug 2005, 23:04, More)

» Old People Talk Bollocks

friends gran
as well all sat digesting christmas dinner blurted out

"If I'd known about oral sex before I got married, I'd have never gotten married"

My own gran used to call the porta-a-loo in our caravan the 'Chemi-khazi'. which is genious
(Thu 11th Mar 2004, 23:03, More)