» Impromptu Games You Play

MSC Cricket
I work in a biohazard lab and as such rules inside can be quite strict. For example, we are not allowed to carry anything at all in case we drop it, instead we move everything on trolleys. We have an airlock to get in and we shower out every time we leave.

One game we play is microbiological safety cabinet cricket. It basically consists of a ball of surgical gloves (we don't have much paper in the lab) thrown across the room and then fired back by the batsman using normally long thin metal tin. We give a certain number of runs depending on whether it hits or even goes in different cabinets.

However this does backfire occasionally. Last month we were playing cricket in the lab and my manager struck our ball of gloves perfectly. It sailed through the air and straight into the anthrax cabinet, knocking over a tube of blood in which we had just diagosed positive anthrax (it's OK, it didn't come from inside the UK). We had to evacuate the building for 3 hours, and then go in with full breathing equipment to fumigate which takes a little under a week. Meant we did no more work for a while though but the top management have taken to frowning on our little game of cricket.
(Tue 30th Mar 2004, 8:00, More)

» Mini Cabs From Hell

Mad psycho cabbie
While at uni my mates and I got into a local mini cab driven by a very pleasant Indian gentleman. You know the sort, beaded seat cover on all the seats in the car, a CD with a horrible rainbow pattern hanging down from the rearview mirror which can only serve to blind anyone looking roughly in the direction of the mirror. Fag burned seats and carpets, I'm sure you know the drill.

Well, he was supposed to be taking us into town from our university halls but for some reason decided to take a completely different route to that which normal cabs take. It soon dawned on us we were going nowhere near town at all. When we questioned him, he told us that he was taking us back to his house to meet his wife because she didn't believe he drove a cab so he wanted to show her some customers. We all started to suggest that this was, perhaps, not the best of things to try and that we were sure his wife would be fine after a little sleep and some valium. Our driver, however seemed to be strangely immune to our calls and when we were about to open the door of a moving car and leap from it, the police pulled him up for speeding.

He went on to tell the police that he was taking us to see his wife, that the speedo on his car was broken and he didn't know how fast he was travelling, that he was not a licensed cabbie and that he was unnisured because he couldn't afford the sky high premiums. Obviously the policemen were slightly taken aback by this outburst of truth. In fact they thought he was being sarcastic at first, and we all know that there is nothing the police like less than sarcasm. Not even crime.

They took him away in a police car and told us they would send someone to pick us up as we were by now in the middle of nowhere. When we were finally dropped off at the student union from the back of a meat wagon everyone thought we had been nicked ourselves. To this day I still have nightmares about our favourite cabbie.
(Thu 27th May 2004, 11:10, More)

» Stupid Tourists

Damn American Tourists
My sister works in Hampton Court Palace and she is quite interested in history. Which helps I'm sure. Anyhoo, she was mortally shocked to hear an American teacher, leading a waddling group of 10 year old obese septics through Clock Court at the Palace, pronounce to all that may have been listening that Henry VIII was a fictional character. I'm sure Anne Boleyn and Kathryn Howard wish he was.
(Mon 11th Jul 2005, 7:55, More)

» Conned

2 Free Pints
You need a pub with an old-school style of landlord for this (you know the sort, still work in feet and inches and other imperial units) but it works, I've tried it.

Once you've been in the pub for a while, approach the landlord and ask him if he can settle an argument with you. You and your friend can't decide how many pints are in a quart. You're convinced it's 2 but he is adamant that it's 4. The landlord will turn round and tell you that the answer is 2. You can now return to your table.

Shortly afterwards, seek out a member of bar staff who is far enough away from the landlord that they won't be able to hear whats said and tell them that the landlord has bought you 2 pints. They probably won't believe you and (so long as the landlord remembers you) when you mime "2" at him he will nod or give you the thumbs up. The unknowning member of staff will hand you 2 pints and you can wend your merry way.
(Fri 19th Oct 2007, 13:20, More)

» World's Sickest Joke

Perhaps more offensive than sick
I think that this might be the last ejactulation of foulness but I can't be sure

Why do men pay more for car insurance?
Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.

What's the difference between mayonnaise & semen?
Mayonnaise doesn't hit the back of a girl's throat at thirty miles an hour.

Why do women call it PMS?
Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?
You know she'll swallow.
(Fri 10th Sep 2004, 8:47, More)