slightly tidied up pearost for compo


sorry
(Thu 5th Oct 2006, 22:49, More)

a little bit of lunchtime silliness


remeber kids - smoking is for Jawas!
(Thu 19th May 2005, 13:44, More)

A quick one before work


morning everyone
(Tue 15th Mar 2005, 8:31, More)

just got this on DVD

(Thu 11th Nov 2004, 17:05, More)

a quick one before home

(Mon 8th Nov 2004, 16:54, More)

another one


first one
second one

I'll stop if you want me too
edit: FP - cheers
(Tue 2nd Nov 2004, 15:48, More)

a little bit random

edit: my first FP - cheers
(Tue 26th Oct 2004, 11:58, More)

» Misunderstood

When I worked in a large nightclub in Blackpool
a guy came to the bar and asked if we sold pills. I said "yes, they are on offer - only £1."
He asked for 4 of them, so I got 4 bottles of Holsten Pills from the fridge. He laughed and gave me a fiver. Then he said "Not them sort of pills - the other sort of pills."
So I pointed him towards a big bloke in a suit in the corner. He left his bottles on the counter and walked over to the bloke in the suit. He spoke into his ear, then there was a bit of banter then BAM! the bloke in the suit threw him out of the fire door - head first. The guy in the suit was the head doorman. I re-capped the pills and put them on ice for the end of the night.
Job well done.

edit: Just remebered another one when working in the same club.

There had been a national deaf and dumb conference (sorry if that is not what it's called) in Blackpool, so there were lots of deaf people in the nighclub. A nice young lady came to the bar and said "Bat-watz-er". I politely said to her "sorry we don't sell Budweiser". Then again she said "Bat-watz-er". And I again told her we didn't sell burweiser. Then she said louder, "Bat-watz-er!", and I told her we didn't sell it. This went on a couple more times, getting louder each time. I got fed up of being polite, so I got a piece of paper from the back of the bar and a marker pen and wrote:

WE DON'T SELL BLOODY BUDWEISER!

she grabbed the pen off me, turned the paper over and wrote:

GOOD FOR YOU! BUT I WANT A BOTTLE OF WATER!

I felt this big
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(Mon 10th Oct 2005, 11:38, More)

» School Assemblies

Respect
When in the 4th year of secondary school, my headmaster was outed as a cross dresser by one of the national newspapers. After the scandal, he went away for a few months only to return after Easter. By then everyone had more or less forgotten about it and there was no prior notice that he was coming back (he was still a he at this point). On the day of his return we walked down to the assembly hall as usual and as we got closer we could hear Aretha Franklin's song Respect blasting out at full volume over the top of the sound of 500 teenagers sniggering. We took our places, I sat next to Daz who was one of the quietest people in the school. After a few minutes the headmaster managed to get everyone to settle down and stop giggling. He switched off the music (which had been the same song playing on a loop) and turned on the overhead projector. He said "The Rs" and wrote down 1.Reading, 2.Writing and 3.Arithmetic. "Today we are going to add a fourth R" as the music quietly started again, "Can anybody tell me what it is?" There were a few moments of almost silence when quiet Daz shouted "RANSVESTITE!". The entire room burst into laughter - including the teachers, most of whom had to cover their faces and leave so that they weren't seen to be laughing. The headmaster was unable to stop everyone laughing and had no backup as there were only a couple of teachers left in the room, so we all get sent back to our form rooms. For anyone interested, the headmaster did become a headmistress.
(Fri 14th Jun 2013, 18:14, More)

» World's Sickest Joke

Kids say the craziest things
Little boy: "Mum, why does Daddy have two willies?"
Mum: "Don't be silly, Dad only has one willy."
Little boy: "He has two."
Mum: "No, your Dad only has one willy!"
Little boy: "No! He has two willies! He has a small one that he goes to the toilet with, and a big one that he brushes my teeth with."

/not funny
(Tue 7th Feb 2006, 16:40, More)

» Petty Sabotage

there was a kid at my school who I didn't like
and he had a reaction to cordial drinks, so me and a mate poured away his fresh orange and replaced it with my orange squash.
When he drank it he went apeshit and started smashing stuff.
I got sent home with a nasty letter to my parents. It was funny though, and he didn't seem pissed off about it.
(Wed 4th May 2005, 11:15, More)

» Evidence that you're getting old

Today I realised I was getting old
after getting out of the bath I looked in the mirror and noticed a single hair sticking out of the middle of my fore head. I tried wiping it off, just incase it was stuck there with water, but it was firmly rooted. I was confused about it for several minutes, until it dawned on me that it hadn't grown out of the middle of my forehead at all. It is was the sole survivor of my old hairline, and that it was the rest of my hair that had infact receded.
:¬(
(Mon 1st Nov 2004, 10:30, More)