» World's Sickest Joke

Not sick and not told yet
but made me laugh like a mong:

A man is walking along a beach, sad and depressed, when he hears a booming voice from the heavens.

"DIG!" says the voice.

The man looks around, a little confused.

"DIG!" Booms the oice again.

The man thinks what the hell and starts digging at the sand in front of him. Suddenly he hits a wooden box. He picks it up and the voice shouts

"OPEN!"

He opens it to see hundreds of gold coins. He's a little taken aback when the voice shouts again

"CASINO!"

What the hell, thinks the guy, so off he walks. He enters the casino door when he hears the voice shout

"ROULETTE!"

He walks over to the roulette table and awaits more instructions.

"16 BLACK!" the voice says

So the man puts the whole chest on 16 black, the wheel is spun and it lands on 5 red.

"FUCK!" shouts the voice...
(Thu 8th Dec 2005, 17:09, More)

» Festivals

Bloodstock
A relatively small festival focusing primarily on the heavier, more obscure end of the metal spectrum. I went last year and was frankly staggered by the amount of... odd people from various european countries.

Highlights include:

-Screaming obsceneties at some twat from Kerrang radio who appeared to introduce bands. He lasted all of 4 appearances on stage before he realised nobody liked him.

-The drummer from the unsigned band "Necrosadistic Gost Torture" (who win best band name of the festival) wandering up to me at 6am to blag a cigarette absolutely twatted off his face and playing in less than 8 hours.

-Stealing beer from Alestorm who decided to wander around the campsite screaming at people.

-Watching a mate get launched from an inflatable sofa as a very large man in a cowboy hat leaped on the other end unexpectedly (well, as unexpected as it can be when you hear a scream of "SOFA!" seconds beforehand). Managed to destroy 2 neighbouring tents on his way down from his impromptu flight.

-Going on a hunt for the guy screaming Arnie catchphrases for 12 hours a day every day, finding said guy and joining him in being an annoying twat.

But I think the highlight of the whole thing were the people camped opposite us. We gleaned early on that they happened to be Manowar fans. This was corroborated by them playing one manowar album 24/7 untill the end of the festival. There were about 8 of them in one massive tent which they frequently left unattended, so most people nearby had a nose in it when it was left open.

As it turns out they couldn't be fucked with portaloos, so they'd been shitting and pissing all over the inside of their tent. God only knows where they slept.

By sunday we noticed a strange occurence. They'd all started the festival in jeans, however they'd gradually been cutting them off for whatever reason. Fair enough, cutting them into shorts is acceptable. Then by sunday evening EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM was sporting a pair of jean hot-pants. This was only made funnier by the fact the pockets were hanging a good 4 inches past the cut off legs. It looked like they had little scrotes growing out of their sides.

Wherever you may be, hot-pant wearing Manowar dudes - I salute you.
(Thu 4th Jun 2009, 22:48, More)

» Banks

Natwest
Well from reading some of the other stories, this seems to be a fairly common trick of theirs.

My second year of uni was an eventful one in terms of bank accounts. I'd had a Natwest account for a number of years and before toddling off to my first year of uni I got a shiny new student overdraft from them. All went well, but in typical studenty style, I was pretty close to the overdraft limit most of the time.

Second year rolls around, my first student loan payment rolls into the account and I toddle off to withdraw my rent for the next 4 months.

Wait... Does that say I only have £3 available?

With no warning whatsoever, Natwest decided to remove my overdraft the second the account was in credit, leaving me completely up shit creek in terms of bills. I told them in no uncertain terms to go fuck themselves and closed up my account that day. An awkward phone call to the parents secured me enough to pay rent and scrape by in terms of food.

Since this whole escapade, I decided to go set up an account at Barclays. All went well, account was set up, I even got an overdraft from them. When my next student loan installment was due I realised that like the mong I am, I hadn't told them about my change of bank details. Shit. It was too late to get it changed now, but I was informed the payment would just bounce back and I could call them after to set up the new bank details.

I phone them on the arranged day and am told I can't change the details as it was successfully paid into the Natwest account I had closed some months beforehand.

An angry phonecall to Natwest ensued in which a rather apologetic person on the other end told me there had been some mistake and 7p had been left in the account, meaning it had never closed (even though I recieved a confirmation letter stating it was closed).

I explained the situation and phone lady sympathised, telling me she'd put a note on my account saying I could draw out the full £1500 odd that had been paid in.

A quick toddle to the bank and a request to empty £1500 from my account got me seen by a more senior staff member than the cashier who smugly told me i'd have to wait, there was no way they'd authorise a withdrawl that large on money that had only cleared that day. I informed her of what i'd been told on the phone, she called me a liar, but waddled off to check anyway.

Nothing gave me more satisfaction than watching her wander back out to me with a face like a smacked arse to tell me I could clear the account that day. I did, in cash, and made her count it. Twice.

Amusingly they asked if I wanted to keep the account open.
(Sun 19th Jul 2009, 23:32, More)

» Foot in Mouth Syndrome

this one's nasty
Well i was watching the news with a mate of mine, and a story came up about a girl who'd been hit by a bus. The headline was "Parents ask - how did our girl die?" . Being of the witty persuasion, i piped up "A bus ran her over you tit" . I didn't stop there, i launched into how funny it must be at the morgue with the two morticians wondering how she died, and a big tyre mark down her face. I went on for about 5 minutes before i noticed the look on my friend's face. Turns out he was good friends with her.

Shit.
(Thu 22nd Apr 2004, 17:55, More)

» World's Sickest Joke

topical and sick
Well i got punched for this one:

*Group of screaming twattish chav kids walk past me and some mates*

"Good christ, where are the Chechen rebels when you need them?"
(Sat 11th Sep 2004, 14:38, More)