Profile for sags:
Autobiography: Climbing trees, puberty, wine, then cider, then real ale (and wine and cider), rock'n'roll, dead people, dead monkeys, proper job, statto, homeowner. Buggeration.
Likes: Cats, beer, telly and anything sparkly.
Dislikes: Fish, telephones and Ken Bruce. And most recently, doorbell wire.
Mostly watching: Torchwood, CSI, Reaper, Numbers, Flog it and assorted insomnia shows of the "police camera traction" variety.
Mostly eating: Bakies, choc and goat.
Recent front page messages:
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Best answers to questions:
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- a member for 19 years, 10 months and 7 days
- has posted 65 messages on the main board
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- has posted 8 stories and 1 replies on question of the week
- They liked 26 pictures, 3 links, 0 talk posts, and 12 qotw answers.
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Autobiography: Climbing trees, puberty, wine, then cider, then real ale (and wine and cider), rock'n'roll, dead people, dead monkeys, proper job, statto, homeowner. Buggeration.
Likes: Cats, beer, telly and anything sparkly.
Dislikes: Fish, telephones and Ken Bruce. And most recently, doorbell wire.
Mostly watching: Torchwood, CSI, Reaper, Numbers, Flog it and assorted insomnia shows of the "police camera traction" variety.
Mostly eating: Bakies, choc and goat.
Recent front page messages:
none
Best answers to questions:
» Strange things you've been paid to do
Monkey Fishing
The basement of a nameless university had several large skips full of assorted monkey body parts, scavenged from various zoos over the years, preserved lovingly in alcohol/water mix. Like olives, only more like fetid monkey soup with chunks.
Seemingly, these had been thrown in, without any thought for proper cataloguing. How careless.
Enter me, with shoulder length rubber gloves, and, a gasmask, sorry "industrial respirator". We had to go in pairs, in case someone fell in and drowned. Gave up on the respirators in the first five minutes because they were too bulky.
Fish around up to your shoulder in monkey soup, pull out a body part, and guess what it is - attach a tag with a staple gun, and stick it back in. What's this in the bucket? Oh, it's a binbag. Do you want to open the binbag, boys and girls? No? Well, I'll do it then. Oh look. It's a dismembered chimpanzee. That or we've found Jeff Dahmer's secret stash.
Best of all, after about half an hour, the alcohol fumes get you drunk as a lord. Great, until you remember you're drunk on monkey fumes.
What is that, Dr von Strome? You need me in the lab-or-a-tory? Helga will be happy to oblige.
You'll be glad to know there were no lasting after-effects.
(Sun 3rd Oct 2004, 23:58, More)
Monkey Fishing
The basement of a nameless university had several large skips full of assorted monkey body parts, scavenged from various zoos over the years, preserved lovingly in alcohol/water mix. Like olives, only more like fetid monkey soup with chunks.
Seemingly, these had been thrown in, without any thought for proper cataloguing. How careless.
Enter me, with shoulder length rubber gloves, and, a gasmask, sorry "industrial respirator". We had to go in pairs, in case someone fell in and drowned. Gave up on the respirators in the first five minutes because they were too bulky.
Fish around up to your shoulder in monkey soup, pull out a body part, and guess what it is - attach a tag with a staple gun, and stick it back in. What's this in the bucket? Oh, it's a binbag. Do you want to open the binbag, boys and girls? No? Well, I'll do it then. Oh look. It's a dismembered chimpanzee. That or we've found Jeff Dahmer's secret stash.
Best of all, after about half an hour, the alcohol fumes get you drunk as a lord. Great, until you remember you're drunk on monkey fumes.
What is that, Dr von Strome? You need me in the lab-or-a-tory? Helga will be happy to oblige.
You'll be glad to know there were no lasting after-effects.
(Sun 3rd Oct 2004, 23:58, More)
» Irrational Hatred
Cheesy DJ hell
Weddings, office christmas parties, dinner 'n' disco = living hell. The mobile disco DJ who hasn't bought anything new since 1989 and doesn't see why they should. How do they get away with playing Agadoo to a room fill of grown adults and still get work? I sit and fume, rage building, wondering why everyone else is dancing to The Music Man (pia pia pia noooooooooo).
At our last office christmas party, rage building, I announced that if he played the Grease Megamix (which is the ultimate signature track for the lazy bastard DJ as it enables them to sneak off for a piss), I would have to slap him.
At least I had the decency to explain why I was slapping him beforehand, so it didn't look like an unprovoked assault. I'm angry, but it doesn't mean I want a criminal record. Or to hear one.
(Sun 3rd Apr 2011, 11:55, More)
Cheesy DJ hell
Weddings, office christmas parties, dinner 'n' disco = living hell. The mobile disco DJ who hasn't bought anything new since 1989 and doesn't see why they should. How do they get away with playing Agadoo to a room fill of grown adults and still get work? I sit and fume, rage building, wondering why everyone else is dancing to The Music Man (pia pia pia noooooooooo).
At our last office christmas party, rage building, I announced that if he played the Grease Megamix (which is the ultimate signature track for the lazy bastard DJ as it enables them to sneak off for a piss), I would have to slap him.
At least I had the decency to explain why I was slapping him beforehand, so it didn't look like an unprovoked assault. I'm angry, but it doesn't mean I want a criminal record. Or to hear one.
(Sun 3rd Apr 2011, 11:55, More)
» * PFFT *
Supermarket sweep
Whilst out at the Asda with my then boyfriend, he let out a stench-ridden seeper as he walked from one end of the aisle to the other. Unfortunately it was the fresh meat aisle, which I'm pretty sure contravenes Health and Safety.
We made our escape, pushing the trolley at high speed, hoping to escape both the lingering gas cloud and outrun the tendril of farty air which was streaming from his kecks. If he'd been a Red Arrow, there would have been a smoke trail to warn the unwary. Sadly not.
Worse yet, I was forced to return to the aforementioned fresh meat aisle about ten minutes later. And the cloud was still there. Persistent blighter. And it smelt of dog boff.
(Sat 14th Jul 2007, 1:07, More)
Supermarket sweep
Whilst out at the Asda with my then boyfriend, he let out a stench-ridden seeper as he walked from one end of the aisle to the other. Unfortunately it was the fresh meat aisle, which I'm pretty sure contravenes Health and Safety.
We made our escape, pushing the trolley at high speed, hoping to escape both the lingering gas cloud and outrun the tendril of farty air which was streaming from his kecks. If he'd been a Red Arrow, there would have been a smoke trail to warn the unwary. Sadly not.
Worse yet, I was forced to return to the aforementioned fresh meat aisle about ten minutes later. And the cloud was still there. Persistent blighter. And it smelt of dog boff.
(Sat 14th Jul 2007, 1:07, More)
» Childhood bad taste
lies, damn lies and
the first single I ever bought.
When asked, I usually say Scritti Politti, "The Word Girl". Avant-garde post-punk art-school funk, pretty bad taste.
The truth is, I say this only to disguise the fact that the first single I bought was, in fact, "I know him so well" by Elaine Paige and Barbara Dickson. From the musical "Chess".
I still know all the words. I rest my case.
(Sat 11th Dec 2004, 13:26, More)
lies, damn lies and
the first single I ever bought.
When asked, I usually say Scritti Politti, "The Word Girl". Avant-garde post-punk art-school funk, pretty bad taste.
The truth is, I say this only to disguise the fact that the first single I bought was, in fact, "I know him so well" by Elaine Paige and Barbara Dickson. From the musical "Chess".
I still know all the words. I rest my case.
(Sat 11th Dec 2004, 13:26, More)
» Claims to Fame
Beautiful Babs
I too have met Barbara Windsor - at a charity book launch. I asked someone if that was her son she was with, and they said, " no, I think that's her husband".
The band I was in at college supported The Cranberries (Irish indie pop merchants) on the first date of their first English tour. Their guitarist threw up profusely backstage, I recall.
I met the guy who played Benny from Crossroads. Twice (which seems unnecessary). Very nice, and bit posh...
Oh, and a very dull IT solution I came up with, was immediately stolen and tarted up by a private company who now sell it nationwide, not to mention BACK TO ME for teh money... Bastards. I could name and shame, but I might need them to give me a job one day. Heh heh heh.
(Sun 27th Feb 2005, 11:33, More)
Beautiful Babs
I too have met Barbara Windsor - at a charity book launch. I asked someone if that was her son she was with, and they said, " no, I think that's her husband".
The band I was in at college supported The Cranberries (Irish indie pop merchants) on the first date of their first English tour. Their guitarist threw up profusely backstage, I recall.
I met the guy who played Benny from Crossroads. Twice (which seems unnecessary). Very nice, and bit posh...
Oh, and a very dull IT solution I came up with, was immediately stolen and tarted up by a private company who now sell it nationwide, not to mention BACK TO ME for teh money... Bastards. I could name and shame, but I might need them to give me a job one day. Heh heh heh.
(Sun 27th Feb 2005, 11:33, More)