» Join us... come join the cult

Can't remember this myself, but I have been told it on numerous occassions
When I was 3 years old on Christmas Day, some Jehova's Witnesses knocked on the door. I answered it.

JW: "Hello, are your mummy or daddy here?"

Me: "Fuck off, we like Christmas!"

Even now, I'm rather proud of that "witty" remark.
(Sat 28th Jan 2006, 18:45, More)

» Jobsworths

My new belt!
A few days ago (Tuesday I think) I got a brand spanking new belt, one of those ones where the buckle can be removed. Anyway, I'm in the cubicle at college, readying myself for a shit. Having first put toilet paper all over the seat, I proceed to remove my pants. However, my belt needed some force to remove as I had done it quite tightly. Unfortunately, this force made the buckle come off, and it flew straight into the bowl. I first think "Fuck it, just leave it there" but then realise that it was the first time I had worn the fucker, so I wasn't gonna give up that easily. Ever the quick thinker, I decide to go straight in with my hand. Fortunately, the toilet brush catches my eye before I commit the deed.

I lifted the brush, but it was dripping wet in what I can only imagine was piss, so i wrapped the brush part in bog roll, so that I could fish the buckle out with the handle. I am successful in my plight, and scoop the buckle off the floor with my hand (ready wrapped in bog roll). I wash the buckle in the sink, and then have my well-deserved shit.

I'm not sure what relevance any of this has, but I though that you might like to know of my tale.
(Fri 13th May 2005, 19:23, More)

» "Needless to say, I had the last laugh"

Scruffy bastard
There was this guy I used to work with, he was a nice enough chap, but he always seemed to get my back up. You know the type, roguish good looks, utterly charming and a bit of a rebel streak in him. The fucking cockstain.

Anyway, I was out of the office one day doing a bit of field work, and I ran into some bother. Everyone back at base pretty much left me to deal with it, except for Captain Magnificent, who felt the need to take matters into his own hands and come out to help me.

Ulitmately, I'm glad he did, I'd have been completely knackered if he didn't, but when we got back to work, he couldn't have been a bigger dick about it. We were sat around with a few of our mates, and this one really hot bird we were both trying to get into. He kept going on about how great he was, and took every opportunity to put me down and tell me I'm useless. I felt like I was 2 feet tall. Our lady friend saw what he was doing though, and pretty much called him a bellend before giving me a really passionate kiss. You should have seen the look on the cunt's face!

Anyway, turns out he had the last laugh. The girl turned out to be my sister, and my dad cut my hand off. Fucking nerf herder.
(Tue 8th Feb 2011, 14:00, More)

» Sacked

Never had a job... but I was "sacked" at school
My mother had, unfortunately, not been able to wash my school shirts because the washing machine had packed in. Blue long sleeved affairs they were. However, we did have a light green short sleeved affair which would work, seeing as the sleeves would be covered by my school jumper anyway. Mum gives me a note explaining the shirt, and off I go.

Everything goes ok until about lunchtime, apart from the shit I was taking off my mates for wearing a really shit green shirt. However, at lunch the deputy headmaster (right old bitch, she was) saw me with this green shirt on, wouldn't accept my note, and removed me from lessons for the whole afternoon. The reason? My shirt would set a bad example to the other children. I can only assume that large groups of children in green shirts would lead to mass riots and many deaths.

I felt that this was both stupid and pointless, for 2 reasons. Firstly, surely taking me out of lessons would encourage the children to wear shite green shirts, because they get taken out of classes and don't have to do a single bit of actual schoolwork. Secondly, if she had just left it, who the fuck would want to wear a shite green shirt anyway? Daft bitch.
(Thu 23rd Feb 2006, 15:52, More)

» Cheating cheaty cheats

Not cheating, but an interesting approach to an exam
Whilst preparing for my GCSEs, my French teacher told the class about one pupil who sat the same exam a few years back. However, at the start of the exam, he flicks through and realises he doesn't understand a single word of it. So what does he do? Just guess, and try to blag a pass? Look at his neighbour's paper?

No.

He only goes and eats the fucking exam. Pillock.
(Fri 18th Nov 2005, 17:27, More)