» I'm glad nobody saw me

Panic on the throne.
I'm a guy with a poor sense of direction.
Me, not exactly new to the job, have a righteous call to nature, so I flee to the restroom, jump into a stall, and launch my rockets. In walks another, chooses a stall next to mine and lets fly a thunderous piss which I thought was kind of odd because:
1) Men just cannot piss that hard.
2) I usually piss after dropping my bombs.
It was when the stall next to mine uttered "*ahem*" two octaves high for a normal male that I realized I was in the wrong room.

So I waited, and waited, and waited for the place to be empty, and then dashed out.

No one saw me. Also, girls are gross.
(Fri 28th Jan 2011, 23:05, More)

» Trolls

I tell people who keep bees that they are putting the public in danger.
I ask them if they know bees sting, and that it hurts. I ask them if they know they can swarm and kill people. I ask them if they are sure it's legal to keep bees.

In reality, I don't care, but bee keepers are very easy to troll.
(Fri 20th May 2011, 20:11, More)

» What's the most horrific thing you've seen?

Late one evening I was about to leave work when I had to take a dump.
So I went to the men's room, took a seat, and promptly had a nose bleed.
A real gusher. Like realizing your hair is on fire while swimming, I heartily
blew gallons of blood on reams of toilet paper, feeling lucky to be so
positioned. I finished up, zipped up, and waited for the little electric eye
to flush, which it didn't. I started pressing the manual flush button like
I was trying to win something. No good. What was left was a horror scene,
a bowl deeply red with blood and piles of shit and fo bandages all in a heap.
Extravert medicine, it was.
(Fri 22nd Jun 2007, 20:20, More)

» Bizarre leaps of logic

Stop pissing in the sink.
This was the reply to my mild criticism for my wife to put her used Q-tips into the trashcan instead of simply tossing them in the general vicinity of said bin and preventing them from sticking to my feet when I finish my morning shower. I do not piss in the bathroom sink, but the laundry room sink, which is used solely for dirty clothes washer water, floor cleaning bucket filling, and bathroom cleaning fluid exchange. Nevertheless, saying I find used Q-tips sticking to my feet disgusting means I should stop pissing in that sink. I was also later declared, among other things, someone who dressed like the homeless.
(Sat 14th Dec 2013, 0:27, More)

» Messing with people's heads

Being super smart and good at computers didn't prepare me for the knuckle dragging joke coworkers played on me.
Because I rebooted twice, tried different mice/keyboards, and cursed a few times before I realized they had taken a screenshot of my environment and set it as the background image, and closed all other windows, so nothing appeared to work.
(Sat 14th Jan 2012, 2:06, More)