A sympathy kitten for IBDMTTPMS

edit: My 1st FP! Cockin' hell that's nice!
(Thu 21st Oct 2004, 21:01, More)

» Stupid Tourists

As an American
it's surprising to hear I was in a foreign country NOT acting stupid, but...

I was in Germany, having a beer with some assorted other foreign English-speaking hostelers. We started chatting with a native German who spoke fairly well. His friend, however, just sat there quietly, though not rudely, not saying a word. At one point, I asked German A if German B spoke any English - A leaned over and translated for B.

B asked me, "American?" I nodded. He made himself look fat, wagged his finger at me, and gave me the only English he knew, "I did not have sexual relations with that woman." He repeated that for the rest of the evening.
(Thu 7th Jul 2005, 16:56, More)

» Pointless Experiments

Ambidextryst
I am left-handed, and round about the age of 15 became convinced that improving my right-handed handwriting would unlock that 90% of the brain that nobody can apparently use. That and I could forge signatures or somesuch babble. I devised a rigorous schedule of exercises for the summer, and set to work. When I saw no improvement to my right-handed scratching after 8 weeks, I complained to a friend, who said I should practice other typically left-handed activities with the right hand. I thought about this for a while, then spent the weekend right-handed wanking. My handwriting never improved beyond retarded, but I can still have a solo threesome.
(Sun 27th Jul 2008, 23:56, More)

» Missing body parts

I cringe to type it, but...
We've all heard fingernails on the chalkboard. Done correctly, they reduce the finest of men to sniveling hairy sacks of viscera and excrement.

My friend decided to see if teeth on the chalkboard had the same effect.

He approached the slate and scraped his incisors downward. Clutched his mouth, ran from the classroom - a few seconds later, cue a muffled yet blood-curdling screech from the gents.

Left on the chalkboard was a thin straight white line. Of his tooth enamel.
(Sat 3rd Jun 2006, 4:13, More)

» When animals attack...

Dark, stormy weekend
and my friend had left my passenger-side car window rolled down for about 48 hours. Of course, as we were making to go down to the bars, I had had more to drink than he had, making him the designated driver.

As I approached the passenger door, seeing the open window, I began cursing at his swarthy Ukranian stupidity. Such violence startled the kitty who had sought shelter from the rain and she leapt out, clawing my favorite hoody and shrieking bloody cat-murder before running off into the night.

"But wait," you ask, "how did you know she was a she?"

Well, BECAUSE SHE HAD FUCKING BABIES UNDER THE SEAT OF MY FUCKING CAR. Cute little buggers, despite being mucus-covered and covered in the old bits of sandwich that gets swept under a car seat.

We cancelled our bar-going, and waited about for mum to return, but she was obviously a deadbeat. Called animal control who took 'em off for medical experiments or something. Nobody offered to steam-vac the catbirthing from my upholstery.
(Fri 3rd Jun 2005, 16:48, More)

» Strange things you've been paid to do

I was paid $400,000 US a year
to force my petty Napoleonic agenda on millions of people, get oil CEOs to slobber on my knob, and erase the civil rights of thousands of people (most of them brown). I got fired after four years because I spent too much time shopping weapons into images of foreign countries and passing them off for real. And fwapping. With my thumb in my bum.
(Thu 30th Sep 2004, 20:46, More)