» Voyeurism

dogging
I was sitting in a pub in Wakefield having a loud conversation about dogging, as you do.

This guy who I had only just met 5 minutes ago(introduced by a friend, so not some pub random) was going into a long story of how he and the gf were into dogging.

One of the rules of dogging apparently is windows down = come over and join in. The couple were getting down to it with him face first in her lady parts when he feels someone reach through the window and start to give some hand relief. Not thinking to look until hes at the vinegar strokes , he saw a filthy wizened old man clutching his penis.

in his words "he was like a tiny homeless Alf Garnet look alike, and he was touching my cock"

we were all staring into our pints looking a bit embarrassed when he filled the silence with

"the worst thing about it though is that that was the best handjob I have EVER received in my life. I have to give him credit for that"

We left shortly after, the voyeurism part of course coming from the slack jawed and wide eyed office types sat behind us who had heard every last word.
(Thu 11th Oct 2007, 20:17, More)

» Workplace Boredom

The Devil and the Idle hands of young men
Working at the tip over you summer holidays at uni isn't everyones cup of tea. The job entails sweeping and tiding up and making sure that some old duffer doesn't kick off when told he cant put his asbestos in with the glass recycling. Like the trenches this sort of work leads to long periods of boredom, followed by short periods of headless chicken like activity.

In a lull in stuff to do myself and one of the other lads came up with a new game to pass the time:

MAGNET CHICKEN. The rules are simple, climb inside a empty skip and take it in turn to throw magnets at one another.

you average tip is lousy with discarded stereos, a swift toecap to the speakers yields a collection of magnets. As your empty skip is basically a 5m long steel corridor a thrown magnet will vear off and stick to the wall with a wonderful 'SPANG' noise. The aim of the game is to see how hard you dare to throw a magnet at your friend.

One fine yet dull day me and a workmate decided to take up potions and begin a game. I tossed the first magnet, pitifully it slammed into the left wall whole feet away from my opponent. He retaliated by overarm bowling a 3lb monster from a car subwoofer at me at lightening speed. 'WANN-NNG' the whole skip reverberated as this thing slammed into the wall next to my head after missing my eye by mm.

"you cunt, have some of..THIS" I replied wrenching the magnet from the skip and hurling it back at him. I throw underarm and am quite cack handed so something different this time happened. Once the magnet had cleared the top of the skip, It shot over the side as if guided by a lazer and landed out of sight with an almighty reverberating KER-SPANG.

Leaping out of the skip we were confronted by a horrifying sight. A middle aged man, pale faced and shaking with terror was frozen to the spot halfway through the process of removing an oven from his boot. An oven with a crater sized dent centered around a speaker magnet, in it.

Quick thinkingly I came up with "errm, sorry its our job to look for the magnets cause sometimes they repel one another and it acn get quite errm dangerous" The man mumbled a hasty "oh I see" and hurried off. After that the game of magnet chicken was no more.
(Thu 8th Jan 2009, 22:23, More)

» Workplace Boredom

Picking on overweight children.
As one of the only people at my last workplace who came in by car I used to do the works chip run. I always was happy to volunteer for this task as I got 'paid' in a free can of coke, at least thats what I let my coworkers assume why I did this.

The real reason for my eagerness to get chips for everyone was that there was a school nearby to work. To get from work/school to get to the chippy you had to go along a long straight stretch of road that was about a mile long. At lunchtimes there would be a long line of children, often in heavy backpacks dashing along this road trying to find the time to buy chips and get back before their lunch was over.

Leading the charge was always a group of overweight kids sweating in the summer sun waddling with all their might to get to the chippy. The highlight of my day was to turn my radio up all the way and wind wind my windows down. Casually waving at these child obesity statistics as I cruised on by.

That wasn't the best part though, I would time my speed along the road so I could pull up and get in the chip shop just before the first children arrived. Then as the first kids would burst through the door I would nonchalantly present my order for everyone at work, tying up the staff and keeping the kids impatiently waiting for up to 15 mins.

This would happen every day for weeks, until the start of the school summer holidays.
(Fri 9th Jan 2009, 12:12, More)

» Surprise!

Surprisingly good effort on their part
It's been years since I worked in a supermarket but this still stands out. I hated working on checkouts but even a decade on it still gives me good QOTW answers. case in point...

Being the only supermarket in a five mile radius that didn't use electronic tagging of any kind, meant that the local lumpen-proletariat were drawn to us like the forces of darkness are drawn to Mordor. Barely a shift went by without some gimlet eyed scrote fleeing the premises with an armful of loot.

This didn't surprise me as we had what I assumed was the most ineffectual security team in the world. Two security guards who I'll name as Skinny Lazy guy and Fat Lazy guy. FLG spent most of his shift drooling over the customers cake laden shopping. what marked him out as the most dedicated of salad dodgers, aside from his girth, was his refusal to walk. Preferring to do his rounds ( a 50m round trip) in one of the electric shopmobility carts we provided for the infirm. SLG, despite weighing 9st wringing wet didn't move at all, preferring to remain motionless behind the lottery kiosk.

So it came as quite a shock when a young hoodie came running towards the main exit clutching an illicit bottle of vodka that SLG sprang into action. Having never seen SLG move more than his eyebrows before we soon found out that that he had a swift turn of pace. Cutting off the shoplifter, and running rings around him forcing him away from the entrance and down past the tills. SLG stops chasing at this point and just watches as this guy runs towards the other exit, thinking he is home free. only he has to get past FLG first. FLG looked like he wasn't even aware of what was happening, just sitting on his little cart and watching the jaffa cakes go by. Shoplifter is barrelling towards the doors, prize in hands when,

THAR SHE BLOWS, THE GREAT BEAST AWAKENS

in the blink of an eye FLG is not only out of his cart but sitting on top of the young miscreant. 50lbs of hired muscle, and I assume an additional 200lbs of hired flab is now sitting crossleged like an Indian chief on the shoplifter. The legs jutting out from the great buttocks of justice begin to kick and scream but he shall not pass. The kicks turn to twitches then stillness, the screams turn to pleas then silence, and so they remained locked in place until the police arrived.

two PCs show up after around 15mins, and FLG gets back on his cart. The coppers don't even needs handcuffs as the shoplifter goes quietly complete with 1000 yard stare.
(Fri 5th Apr 2013, 14:48, More)

» Will you go out with me?

Im thinking of selling the rights to Disney
At a party

flatmate: Hi
girl: Hi
G: so uh, whereabouts do you live?
FM: xxx avenue
G: xxx avenue!! I have slept with five people on that street!
FM: wanna make it a half dozen?
G: sure!
(Thu 28th Aug 2008, 21:56, More)