» Terrible food

Don't try this at home. or anywhere.
Back when I was a student, we still had student grants, resulting in a blow-out for a week after it arrived, followed by 2 months of abject misery, every term. This event occurred during one of those grant-cheque weeks.

I was in a rush to get out after lectures*, so decided instead of cooking something or going all the way over to the canteen, I'd eat the only food I had left in the fridge - this was a tub of Haagen-Dazs Belgian Chocolate icecream. Having a bit of a sweet tooth, I ate the whole lot, then head out to the pub.

A couple of nights previously I'd been out on the lash (the grant, again), so I was feeling a little fragile and decided to take it easy. So I ordered a pint of coke, drank it (there's the sweet tooth again), and ordered another.

About 15 minutes later, I got the burps pretty bad. I put it down to having sunk that first pint of coke too quickly. Little did I know of what was about to unfold.

Over the next 5 to 10 minutes, the burps continues, and I started to feel uncomfortable pressure in my stomach. I recognised that feeling, and rushed to the bathroom.

You know what happens when you mix coke and icecream, right?

I barely managed to get to the toilet before barfing an astonishingly large amount of... brown foam, everywhere. The horror of thinking my insides had perhaps reversed themselves was tempered only by the realisation a couple of seconds later that it tasted... chocolatey.

It was very nice on the way down (and indeed on the way up), but I wouldn't recommend anyone try eating those two together.


* this is probably, a lie, but I think it's unlikely I didn't actually make it out of bed til 5pm.
(Thu 17th May 2007, 14:36, More)

» School Trips

She's not waiting for a bus.
Aged 14, I got packed off with a couple of other kids from my school to Vienna, for a Maths competition (i was a bit of a swot and a geek then). So the few of us (4 i think) end up in a completely foreign city with a scatterbrained Maths teacher who seemed more interested in sampling the local beer than anything else.

So, they day before the competition, we've wandered around the city a little, and I got separated from the others. We had decided to make our own way back, but I was counting on sticking with one of the others. It was getting quite late, about 10:30pm, and I'm stuck in a city where I don't speak the language, have no idea of the layout, and only have a piece of paper on me with the address written on it, and a very small amount of money.

Being unable to navigate the subway system, I decide to ask a nice woman for directions. she takes me over to a bus stop and talks to the driver, who then takes me on the bus and tells me where to get off. Thankfully once I do that I recognise the area and can get home, at around midnight.

It's not until several years past my naive state that I realise quite what such a provocatively-clad, heavily-made up middle aged-woman was doing hanging around on street corners, and have a slight twinge of remorse that I was too young to be properly realise what was going on during my first encounter with a prostitute.

I would have apologised for length, but couldn't speak the language
(Thu 7th Dec 2006, 13:42, More)

» DIY fashion

Disco twat
One of my first times going to a "regular disco", you know, a nightclub with godawful tunes and too much drink. i think i was 15, and had got the wrong idea about it. from somewhere in the 80s.

so amongst everyone else in their jeans and de rigeur untucked check shirts was me, in black shoes, white socks, white jeans, black belt, white turtleneck, and black shades. i must have looked like some sort of gammy liquorice allsort.

of course, i realised i looked like an idiot after about 2 minutes in the venue when i saw what everyone else was wearing. i hate my parents for letting me go out at the time dressed like that and not saying a *word*. bastards.
(Thu 24th Aug 2006, 16:07, More)

» Stupid Tourists

woo, frist prost, and all that.
while in switzerland in the mid 1980s, i overheard an american couple looking at one of the mountains.

the woman said to the man "is that an alp?"
he replied "i think so, cross it off the list."

i can't imagine what their post-holiday writeup they inflicted on their friends and relatives must have been like.
(Fri 8th Jul 2005, 16:19, More)

» * PFFT *

I have two
First was at University, a few of us hanging out in (unfortunately, now I think about it) my room. I let rip a fart - after all, it is my room!, and Malcolm follows with another one, and Dave a third. By this point we're all giggling, as 18 year old boys are wont to do in this sort of situation, when Darren, bless his socks says "Oh yeah? Listen to this!" with a big grin on his face, lifting a leg to release his own piece.

A grin replaced by panic a moment later as he realises he felt more than just a fart brewing, and runs out the door toward the bathroom, presumably with his trousers looking like something out of Alien.


The second story was at a music festival in Belgium. A two-day diet of chips and mayonnaise, meat and beer was playing havoc with my insides. At 3am ish, getting ready to bed down with the two other guys in our tent, I realise i have to let one off, so being half undressed, i just open the tent flap, pop my arse outside and let rip.

However, they swear blind I was outside, and opened the flap just to fart *into* the tent, something we disagree upon until this day. I may have been drunk, but not sure what I would have been doing outside the tent at that time. Regardless, it was loud as a klaxon and thoroughly eggy.
(Fri 13th Jul 2007, 16:07, More)