» Overheard secrets

imagine waking up to this...
edit: forgot to say - we were camping at the bulldog bash, feeling slightly hungover, and being awoken by load motorbike engines revving up. over the din, we heard this wonderful exchange:

female one: 'ere! did you piss in the jug last night?'
female two: yeah, why?
female one: it still had the instant mash in it!
(Fri 26th Aug 2011, 14:35, More)

» Beautiful but Bonkers

well, she seemed normal at first...
... i'll admit, i wasn't particularly interested in her to start with, but i got to know her, and she was fun, and when she invited me to a house party i figured what the hell.

i didn't actually know she was seeing someone else, so it was kind of amusing when he turned up at the party, saw her sitting on my lap, and left pretty quickly. in hindsight, i'm pretty damn sure he took the opportunity to run like hell without warning me, the git.

anyways, one thing leads to another, we go up to her room, i figure she's a bit drunk, and didn't take advantage of her because i'm a nice guy, deep down, somewhere. long story short, we end up as an item.

now, a couple of months down the line, things start getting a little bit strange. she goes all bunny-in-headlights during sex, so we stop, i comfort her, things all calm down. this happens more and more often. she tells me she's desperate for kids, and that she might stop taking her pill without telling me, so the brown wings is the only way to be sure that she doesn't get pregnant. at this point, i should probably have started thinkings about getting out of dodge.

but it gets even weirder than that. turns out that, despite being on the pill, and despite me knowing when she's due, she doesn't. i ended up billed for a blood stained matress. now that was fun explaining that one.

then she starts cutting herself. and when i try to stop her, she tries to cut me. i start to think that something isn't right, and i uncover some sort of abuse in a park by a stranger when she was a kid. so i suggest she go to see a professional to sort it out.

see? i'm being supportive, caring, and trying to help. i'm a nice guy.

so she dumps me. then gets back together with me. wants me to stop seeing my best friend (who in another bizarre twist of fate, chose exactly the same time to let me down in the biggest possible way - nice timing. bastard.). starts doing things behind my back with other people who should have known better. gets more and more violent towards me - biting, bruising, cuts, the works. i used to explain the injuries away as rollerblading incidents if anyone asked. eventually she actually sees a professional, and things start getting smoother, and she's less violent, and things sort of sort themselves out. of course, by this stage, i'm pretty much batshit, no self-esteem, and see a counsellor - whose take on the situation was 'man, that's f*cked up.' yeah, thanks. i hadn't realised.

she then takes a year out in italy, while i stay at home, get a job, and start living a life surrounded by sane people. i start self-medicating on st john's wort, make some new friends, and ultimately manage to piece myself back together.

then comes the final straw for me - i get really busy at work, and say that i might not be able to email for a couple of days. all hell breaks loose. i'm accused of everything from being unfaithful to not caring about her to behaving unreasonably to not wanting to be with her any more. do i want to be with her?

says i, in a moment of clarity, i did, but right now i'm not so sure. i need time to think that over.
i need to know now, says she.
if you push for an answer now, it'll be no, on the grounds that i'm not being pressured into anything. so give me a couple of days.
no, i must answer now.
it's a no, then.

cue ranting and raving emails and phonecalls, threats of violence, apologies, everything. shortly followed by shacking up with a friend of mine followed by gloating emails. oh, and spreading all sorts of stories about me to my friends. i figured that hey, my real friends would stand by me, and at least get my side of the story.

no, not one of them. so i chalk it up to experience - at least i know now, eh? - and move on. find a new girlfriend, who isn't so out-and-out batshit (and is hotter than hell to boot), and things are good for me.

ex comes home, lives with some people and new bloke, her and new bloke split. ex seems to be cracking slightly under the strain of things. she brings home a bloke, who leaves shortly afterwards mumbling and looking a bit freaked. she stumbles out wanting to talk to her latest ex. he's a bit drunk, lets her in to his bedroom to talk. she ends up smashing him over the head with a candlestick. police get called out, she calms down. as they leave, she goes back and starts smacking hell out of him again. police intervene, she's off the hospital.

my old friends now look at me in a new light. i'm asked would i talk about our relationship in court if it went that far. i had one apology - the guy who was brained with the candlestick.

so, yeah, that's what happens when you try to be a supportive, decent human being.

last i heard, she's hooked up with the best friend that she tried to get me to stop seeing. i tell people that they deserve each other. they think i'm being nice.

i'm not.

hey, i know it's not particularly funny, but let's just think of it as a form of catharsis for me, and then you can all move along with your lives :)
(Thu 23rd Nov 2006, 13:23, More)

» Stupid Dares

hairy legs
when i were a student, i was on a night out at the union whereupon i met a mate of mine. we drank lots. at some point during that night, i was bet £20 to shave my legs.

so next morning, i wakes up, remembers the bet, and still drunk from the day before, shaves 'em. hardly cut my legs at all, and it took fecking ages, too. but, eventually, i had smooth silky legs.

so i wander into the union to claim my bet, at which point i realise that i had no idea who i'd made the bet with. at all. i'd shaved my legs for no gain whatsoever. and because i was asking people 'was it you that bet me i wouldn't shave my legs last night?' now everyone knew i'd shaved my legs.

there was an unintended pay-off, though - it appears that women were very curious about my shaved legs. so curious, in fact, i kept shaving them for several years. i only stopped because a long-term girlfriend (now my wife) complained about the stubble, and when i let the hair grow back she seemed to like that even more...

so i guess it wasn't so much a stupid dare as a stupid person doing a dare in my case. oh, well.
(Fri 2nd Nov 2007, 12:02, More)

» Insults

oh dear... i think i might just have upset a colleague at work :)
she came up to talk to the it bod who sits next to me about something she'd been (apparently) trying to do all day.

she then announces to all of us that 'he could have done in five minutes what's been taking me all day!'

i asked 'is that because you're thick?'
(Mon 8th Oct 2007, 17:14, More)

» My computer gave away my secrets

i managed to stitch up my dad, once...
it was back in the era of the gillian anderson fhm shoot, and my dad took rather a liking to her. so, deciding to have a laugh at him, i managed to obtain his work laptop, and stuck a pic of her on as the desktop backdrop.

what i didn't realise is that the next time he opened up that laptop would be in the middle of a board meeting. on a projector screen. glorious :)

he didn't know it was me, though - ha balled out one of his office staff, ignoring claims of ignorance, and then came home to tell me about it. at which point, i told him it was me, laughing my ass off all the while.

to be fair to him, he did apologise to the bloke, though. and he did keep the backdrop :)
(Thu 16th Feb 2006, 10:30, More)