» Useless advice

Carol Voderman
"You can consolidate your debts into one small monthly payment"


Oh really? Then why am I sleeping in a potato sack and licking Kit-Kat wrappers for dinner, you cunt.
(Fri 20th Oct 2006, 13:35, More)

» Going Too Far

Never leave home, kids
Not me, but a good friend of mine, who we shall call D.

D moved into uni halls up here in Scotland during his first year, residing with a bunch of guys he had never met before.
For the first few months, he got fairly friendly with a couple of the guys in the flat, except for one Geordie lad who was a bit quiet(Can't remember his name, so I'll call him G). Anyway, D and the other guys in the house enjoyed gettin shitfaced and making Coke-bottle bongs, whereas the quiet G fellah, just seemed to sit around the flat all day, not doing much work, keeping himself to himself.

One night, everyone from the flat was out on a particularly heavy bender. My mate D went home early rather the worse for wear, and G had disappeared off somewhere.
Fast forward to later that night, and two of the other guys in the flat are returning home, drunk and stoned. They decide that it would be fun to mess about with G's car as a "joke". This joke involved slashing his tyres, breaking off his wing mirrors and windscreen wipers. (There might have been a shit-on-the-bonnet episode, I can't remember.)

This quite clearly was taking it too far.

However....

G returns home even later than the pranksters, obviously to find his nearly new Corsa looking properly fucked. D is sitting in the living area, sees G stroll into the house, into the kitchen, collect a large kitchen knife, walk through to one of the car-molesters' bedrooms and calmly stab him in the stomach, before walking out and heading off to bed.


Obviously the Police and Ambulance were all involved from this point, the guy didn't die or anything. Turns out that G had a couple of court appearances due back in Newcastle, previous sexual assault convictions, and there was no record of him attending any classes at the Uni in Scotland i.e. he was a fucking nutter, albeit a fairly reserved, poilte fucking nutter. Naturally, he got put away for it, and my mate D thought that it might be best to get his own place. (I'm assuming that his flatmates gave up their motor-bashing antics as well)

Length? You should have seen the size of the fucking kitchen knife...
(Wed 15th Nov 2006, 12:18, More)

» Lies I told on my CV

Talented Individuals
Just before leaving part-time job to start a proper grown-up job, we had great fun looking through the raft of application forms that came in, applying for my soon-to-be-vacated position.
The other members of staff informed me that it was always an "utter bunch of tinks" that applied there. Whilst there were a few exaggerations to worry us, it was the remorseless honesty that was perhaps the most alarming. These fuckers should take heed of this board. Examples of responses include:

Full address : "Mum's House, (Something) Road"
Postcode:"Henry"
Reason for Leaving Previous Job: "Saveer Post Natel Depresion"
Reason for Leaving Previous Job: "Caught borrowing money from till" (Obviously the word borrowing had been changed from stealing, cos that sounds much better...)
Previous Employment: "Making tea for my Gran"

and my own personal favourite

Previous Job Responsibilities: "Putting Rolls on shelf"

Total number of applications recieved: 27
Total number of interviewees: 4

They were all dead serious applicants, most of whom had applied when I got hired. Looks like I beat off stiff competition.
(Wed 12th Jul 2006, 14:29, More)

» Where is the strangest place you have slept?

Mid-Pat Cash
A friend of mine was at a house party a while back and, as he was wont to do, got fucking reeking.
Anyway, later on his friends at the party had not seen him for a couple of hours, and quickly assembled a search party. Of course, the was completely unneccessary, as he was in the first fucking place they looked, namely the toilet.

The sight that greeted them was a true spectacle. My friend was unconscious, with his head in the bath, his legs up in the air, his pants round his ankles, and, rather crucially, his hands lightly gripping his dribbling cock.

It seems that my friend had fallen asleep whilst having a pish, and had fallen Del-Boy-through-the-bar style into the bath. Without waking up. Even after two hours upside down. Holding his knob.


Length? Apparently there are photos of him somewhere, so I'll get back to you.
(Thu 4th Jan 2007, 15:16, More)

» Unexpected Good Fortune

QOTW can cause good fortune
When I first read the topic of this weeks Question last Sunday, I thought "Shit it, nothing fortuitous has happened to me recently, expected or otherwise."

After casually scanning a few stories, I promptly buggered off down the pub to get semi-shitted. On the way homw,I stopped at a local food emporium. Having placed my order, I went outside for a pish, came back in a couple minutes later. The guy behind the counter hands me my food, says goodbye then disappears through the back, without actually asking me to pay for it. I swiftly turn on my heels and fuck off out it, clutching my gratis Chicken Tikka pakora.

The next time I looked through some more of this weeks stories was yesterday afternoon, killing some time just before I left work. On the way home, I stopped at Sainsbury to buy a belt. Price tag said £8.00, but when the girl scanned it through the till, it went through at 50p. Of course, rather than think something might be amiss and question the price, she happily accepted my proffered 50p, and, once again, off I fucked, happy in the knowledge that reading this QOTW had directly resulted in good fortune.

Although, after reading a bit more today, I have to report that the free pakora has given me such severe stomach pain, that I am now off to hang myself with my 50p belt. Ah well, you can't win all the time.

Apologies for length of belt, its not quite enough to reach aroung the ceiling beams
(Wed 20th Sep 2006, 11:06, More)