» Intense Friendships

friends are weird
me and dave, my uber best mate, have one of those friend things where you always know what the other will say, and get odd urges to do something really un-pc at the most inappropriate time.

we met under crappy circumstances in secondary school, and started off hating each other, mainly cos i was annoying and quite hyper. it was only til the day our design teacher told him to ignore my annoyances that we forged a begrudging respect for each other, that eventually blossomed into friendship.

after all, anyone who can ignore me staining his whole arm purple, covering it with glue, bits of paper from a hole punch, glitter, and various items of stationary NEEDS respect.

anyway, that developed into our friendship today, which led to the funniest thing we have ever done: Shit Wars.

we were at an exhibition, and both had been eating terrible overpriced food, and drinking heavily, as it was quite sunny. thus, after a while we both really needed the shitter. so, we went upstairs, and sat in cubicles next to each other. and so began the amazing war of shit.

me: (mortal kombat style) "FIGHT!"
*i shit*
*dave shits*
*both sniggering like teenage girls*
*i shit more*
*dave shits more*
*someone enters the cubicle next to me*
"WE HAVE A NEW CHALLENGER!"
*dave cries with laughter and almost falls off his toilet*
*i pull paper really noisily*
"FINISH HIM!"
*wipes arse*
*flushes*
"FATALITY!"
*dave comes out shortly after*
"BABALITY!"

it was fun. so, so much fun. please try it, noisily, in public. or at a really fancy black tie thing.

apologies for length and girth, it won't flush now. send me a plumber, worthy of mordor.
(Sat 29th Jul 2006, 13:42, More)

» Family Feuds

My dads side of the family,
apart from my dad, are all hardcore born-again christians, belonging to a church investigated and closed for such things as brainwashing, cultism, imprisonment, fraud, embezzlement..

My parents both married in their early 20s, and dads family were not best pleased, as anyone less than Jesus is wicked and sinful, and my parents are entirely atheist.

When my mum was pregnant with me, my paternal aunt was also pregnant.
She was, and still is quite frankly, fucking massive. As is plainly obvious, being fucking massive whilst pregnant means that you have a really reduced chance of coming to term.

Fat aunt lost the baby, and I was born.
Unfortunately, laws of nature don't seem to apply to zealous nutcases, and she saw the loss of her unborn child as "God mistakenly striking me rather than that heathen" and REALLY BELIEVED IT.

Anyhow, one day a couple of months after birth, my dad is out, and my mum is downstairs with me in the cot beside her.

*dingdong*, it's hippo-aunt. Mum lets her in, idle pleasantries exchanged, etc. Mum goes upstairs briefly, and a slamming door is heard.

She comes downstairs, and I'm missing from the cot. Aunt is also conspicuous in her absence. Mum runs to the front door, and aunts tyres are screeching as she zooms away.

Mum rings my dad, can't get through.

Phone rings a few minutes later. It's the aunt, telling my mum how evil she is for marrying my dad, how she'll never see me again, and various other horrid shit. Points out that I will be christened, renamed, etc, raised as one of them. Hangs up.

Mum rings my nan (her mum) and picks her up quickly from round the corner. They drive to the mentalist baptist church a few miles away, and see my aunts car parked there..

They burst in to the church to confront my aunt and her mother, and literally end up kicking the shit out of them both in a packed church, and taking me back.

Somehow, they thought that kidnapping a baby with the intention of was what God wanted them to do.

And that is why I will never speak to them again.
(Fri 13th Nov 2009, 16:28, More)

» In the Army Now - The joy of the Armed Forces

older cousin in the army
stationed in germany, is driving down the autobahn in some tank or other, possibly a predator.

anyway, without any army knowledge myself, apparently the slightly-above-40 miles per hour it was doing was considered rather nippy for a tank, and if you're driving this fast moving mass of heavy metal, your braking distance is increased somewhat.

at which point some person decides to pull in front of him in a highly reckless way, forcing him to slam on the brakes. now apparently, on a tank, theres a bit in the front axle with a round hole in, so as you slam down on the brakes, a rod enters the hole and holds the axle still. jerky and abrupt, but nonetheless a good braking method.

unfortunately, this works best at slow tank speeds, such as 5-10 miles per hour, as when you try to brake at top speed, the rod tends to get sheared off, and you are left going at top speed.

somehow, he managed to hit the brakes at such a perfect moment that the rod slid in perfectly, and stopped the tank so hard that the back end flipped up to match the sudden jerk action at the front.

this resulted in the tank flipping forwards and bending the barrel, then falling backwards, only to pause with the rear end of the tank facing upwards at about 2 o'clock.

In nought but shock and amusement, cuz then proceeds to climb out of the hatch on top to discover a vw beetle underneath his tank, with a very scared woman sitting between two huge tank treads. apparently it was a good laugh, go figure..
(Sat 25th Mar 2006, 23:48, More)

» What's the most horrific thing you've seen?

My younger brother
Was about 9 or 10 years old. He had a liking for prunes, whilst I have never liked them, thinking they smell horrible and look like shrivelled bollocks.

Nonetheless, he eats them, so more fool him.

My mum had bought one of those 1kg tubs of prunes the size of a paint can.
He decided to eat as many as he could.

"Don't eat too many," I said, "You'll get the shits really bad."

"No I won't!"

"Ok, your funeral," says mum.

Sure enough, about 30 minutes later, there are about 20 left from this huge tub.

We continue, sitting around watching tv, when all of a sudden, he sits bolt upright, screams "OHMYGOD" and runs up the stairs, clutching his arse.

He rushed into the bathroom, and hurriedly took his trousers down, heading for the toilet.

However, the jet-propelled Niagara Falls of liquid shit started coming hurriedly out BEFORE he managed to properly sit on the toilet, meaning that his arsehole was directly above the toilet seat as he started.

As such, he slipped off the seat, and spun 180 degrees, landing on his chest, whilst the shit was still fountaining out of him.

He slid across the floor, propelled by the frictionless diarrohea and the sheer force of it still coming out.

"Mum!" he yelled, "Help!"

Needless to say, we both ran to see, and found it an extremely funny and sickening sight to behold.

There was shit everywhere. He sandblasted the walls, the floor, himself, even THE CEILING, with shit.

It was sickening. Yet very funny.

Length? About an hour cleaning up.
(Sun 24th Jun 2007, 23:08, More)

» Tramps

Tramp-clone
Me and the missus were walking through Oxford Street, and we hapened to pass a tramp, sitting there bothering people by the cash machine.

"Oh my god Fantomex", bleated the missus, "look at that tramp!"

There, lo and behold, was a tramp wearing exactly what I was wearing, from head to foot.
Sure, his clothes were grubbier, and smelt of wee, but for all intents and purposes, I had found my tramp-twin.

Of all the luck, owing to a tooth removed by the dentist, I was also at the time missing the same one as my domestically-challenged doppelganger.

Humiliating, yet intriguing.
(Fri 3rd Jul 2009, 19:08, More)