» Weddings

G/f sister's wedding in a village hall somewhere
Reception going nicely, getting a bit 'happy'. 3 of us decide to have a break from the heat and music and go outside for a fag and a piss.
We walk up to a waist-height concrete garden fence with some bushes sticking up behind it (perfect for a quick pee). One of the others takes it one step further and places one hand on top of the fence and vaults over. Just beyond the point of no return he stops (cartoon style), his jaw drops .... and he disappears!

It was a fucking railway bridge!
(the 'bushes' were, in fact, the tops of some rather tall trees). Fortunately he was not in the middle of the bridge and landed half way down the embankment, crashed through the undergrowth down to the lines.
He reappeared covered in scratches and foliage and when we ascertained that he was ok we all found this hysterical.
Regained composure enough to return to the party only to be confronted by g/f's mother (Hyacinth Bucket) lying in the middle of the dance floor, dress around her shoulders and another mate lying on top in full missionary position! (they had fallen over dancing) - what an image. Had to go for another piss/fag.
(Fri 15th Jul 2005, 11:18, More)

» The Worst Journey in the World

How could I be so stupid ?
[EDIT: Thanks Moonraker - this was a long time ago when I probably was a stupid cunt]
Apologies for length - this is the short version !
Holidays with a mate (Christopher) to NZ
Spent the night in Brussels (where I live) at the pub ‘til very late, home for about 45 mins of sleep/packing, which turned into almost 2 hours sleep. My friend managed to wake me up, both of us still completely pissed – no time to finalise packing etc, fell into a taxi to get to the station for the (very) early train to Amsterdam airport – Literally jumped through the doors of the train as they were closing (a very expensive, non-refundable plane ticket depended on us managing this little feat).

Few beers at Schipol airport until our 9am-ish flight – 12 hours to Kuala Lumpur, 9 hour stopover, then 13 more hours to Auckland, NZ.
Free Cognac/coffees on the plan, no sleep, we arrive in Malaysia.

This is where the stupid bit comes in,
Aware of the fact that we both had some smoking material somewhere in our hand luggage – the plan was to stow the hand luggage in a safety-deposit box and go for a tour of the Malaysian capital.
After asking several times were the safety-deposit boxes were, we were finally told: “just around that corner”
We turn around the corner to find ourselves next in line for the Malaysian customs/immigration with no way of turning back – Just for those who don’t know Malaysia + dope = DEATH PENALTY !

By some miracle we get through, find the s-d boxes and go for a wander around Kuala-Lumpur. Very hot, very drunk and no sleep for at least 36 hours.
Whilst half way across a major 6-lane road I sense that Christopher is no longer beside me, turn around to see him taking a rather impressive nose dive from the pavement to the road – out cold. I rush back and drag him away from the oncoming traffic and he starts to have an epileptic fit (very scary) – except I didn’t know that at the time, having never witnessed one before. Lots of people gather around, lots of contradictory advice proffered in foreign tongues, and I’m shitting myself not knowing what is wrong and pretty sure my mate is about to pop his mortal clogs. Someone calls an ambulance (right, hospital – non refundable tickets, no insurance, soon-to-be dead friend..). After about 20 minutes, still no ambulance and Christopher starts to recover somewhat – I decide to risk taking him back to the plane to fly on to NZ (13 hours!) – where at least the doctors speak English.
So I drag him back to the airport, pick up our bags, carry him though Customs (OH FUCK – WITH THE DOPE !! “how could I be so stupid, again??”).

I literally carry him onto the plane sweating (both of us) and drooling (him).
Arrival in Auckland, queue for immigration – 50 middle-aged Germans in front, 50 middle-aged Dutch behind, a very, very worse for wear couple of backpackers (us, still no sleep for me) in the middle. Christopher bends down to stroke a very cute little beagle on a very long lead attached to a couple of customs officers and promptly gets carted off leaving me standing alone (with the middle-aged tourists), shitting myself again.
My turn at the desk “traveling alone sir ?” – “yes officer, traveling alone” (how could they not notice?).

I reach the outside of the terminal, alone, and decide that enough is enough, I shall dump the dope before going to find out where Chris has been dragged off to.

That is the precise point where the vague recollection buying a handful of XTC tablets at the bar in Brussels hits me - and realise I have imported and exported them in/out of of “death penalty” Malaysia !!! – Anyone Auckland B3tans? I can tell you where I hid them.
Chris spent 2 nights in a police cell and was expelled from NZ the day of our return flight – so, at least, we still managed a holiday. But I still get cold sweats thinking what could have happened at Kuala-Lumpur customs
(Thu 7th Sep 2006, 16:17, More)

» Stupid Tourists

Where y'all from then ?
After several replies of "Where the f**k's that then?" I changed my standard reply to:
"Belgium, Belgium is a small country between France and Holland".
Didn't stop this happening:

Me: "Belgium, its a small country ....."
Him: "I know Belgium. Belgium is the capital of Amsterdam and there is a castle there".
Turns out he knew this to be a fact as his brother was stationed there with the US military (place called Munich!!!).

Ahh Munich.
My Dad on a plane before the demise of the Berlin Wall. Passenger in the next seat:
"aaam from Texaaas. 'going to a John Deere tractor convention in Munich - Munich is in Germany (/doh). The bit of Germany that belongs to the US of A.

I love 'em
(Tue 12th Jul 2005, 10:59, More)

» That's when I knew it was over...

God, I'm slow
Should have known it was over when she tore up all the baby photos of my daughter and trashed her bedroom (bleached the Barbie dolls etc.)
... or maybe when she went for me with a kitchen knife
... or maybe when she went so utterly ballistic I had to call an ambulance to avoid one of us being seriously hurt.

No, I stuck it for 3 years of some good times interspersed with serious hysterics, self-harming and a couple of (six-month) stays at the psychiatric ward.

I knew it was over when she grabbed the steering wheel causing us to cross 3 lanes of oncoming traffic and end in between a couple of trees (and then proceeded to trash the inside of the car!) - This of course did not go unnoticed, and my licence was promptly removed because I was slightly over the limit, (& the car towed).
This was June 04 - my court case comes up this September (dangerous driving, DUI...) - shit!

Oh, btw, I am a total coward because 'I don't want to die'.
gee, got the shakes just typing this
(Wed 27th Jul 2005, 11:16, More)