» Never Meet Your Heroes

Lovely Bloke meets Lovely Bloke
This is a fairly long story, but bear with me, it’s good.

Rightyo, a friend of mine Dave has lived on his boat on the Thames for years. Never, really had a permanent job he does odd jobs for people how live in the large houses along the banks of the river.

One day Dave is happily pootiling along when the clouds open, the wind picks up and almighty summer storm ensues. Dave decides it would be best to moor up asap and get in doors. He heads to the bank and moors up along side a palatial house where he sees a guy in the garden packing up and heading inside. Dave shouts across to ask if it would be ok to moor up for the length of the storm and the guy says it not a problem, he can stay as long as he needs to.

Dave being Dave takes this invitation quite literally and moors up for the night. Next day the guy from the house knocks on Dave’s door. Rather than being horrible, the guy invites Dave for breakfast and says that he can use the cottage in the garden for a bath or whatever. Dave jumps at the chance of hot bath and then joins the guy for breakfast.

At breakfast Dave gets properly introduced to Jimmy the owner of the house and Jimmy’s Mother who is staying over for the week. They are soon getting on like a house on fire, Dave being one of those guys who can charm the birds from the trees. Anyhows, Jimmy tells Dave that he really likes his company and that if he has nothing else to do he could stay at the bottom of the garden and do some odd jobs for him.

After a week with Jimmy, Dave was ready to move on and to thank Jimmy for his hospitality he invites him and his Mother for a trip on the Thames, followed by lunch and a pint in riverside pub. At the Pub, Dave could sense that something was not quite right. People kept staring at them and whispering. Just before they were leaving someone comes up to Jimmy and asks him for his autograph, telling him the he is their hero. Dave was obviously thinking “who the hell are you” but said nothing.

Back at the house Dave’s curiosity gets the better of him and he asks the question: “Jimmy, I have to ask but who the hell are you? And why are you that guy’s hero?”. Jimmy tells Dave that he is a guitar player in a band called Led Zeplin, i.e. he is Jimmy Paige. Dave’s face doesn’t move a muscle. If fact, his exact words were “Never herd of yer, are you any good?”.

This was about 5 years ago and since then Dave and Jimmy have become best buddies.

More hilarity ensues, there is a further story about when Jimmy and Dave won a competition on the back of packet of cornflakes, the prize was to have Atomic Kitten sing for you in your house. They did, turned up, realised they were at a proper musicians house and shat themselves.
(Fri 26th May 2006, 15:44, More)

» Crappy Prizes

Worst ever meet and great
On the last Britney tour in the US. 10 lucky winners were invited backstage to meet their idol. Overjoyed and dumbstruck with excitment they were taken into Miss Spears' dressing room where one of her assistants turned on a VCR and played a video message thanking them for being fans. The video ended with Britney telling the fans how much she loved them but was too busy to meet them in person.
(Fri 5th Aug 2005, 12:51, More)

» Messing with the Dark Side

Haunted Home in Bristol
My wife who is now a full time Nurse used to work nights in an Old People’s home in Clifton, Bristol. The building was a typical early Victorian 4 storey town house and properly spooky. Anyways, for weeks the wife had been telling me about an old dear who had refused to sleep in her own bed and who my wife had to keep moving from the TV lounge in the early hours, thus buggering up her back. The old dear (let’s call her Betty) kept telling the Wife (lets call her Mary) that she could not sleep in her bedroom and therefore was much more comfortable sleeping in the easy chair in front of the television.

One night Mary had to work a double shift which meant that she started in the afternoon and worked right through to 7am. At about 3am Mary did her usual rounds and checked that everyone was where they should be, sure enough Betty was in her usual position asleep in front of the TV. Mary decided not to move Betty and headed back to the staff room.

In the staff room another carer said to Mary that she looked shattered and that she should try and get an hours kip whilst it was quiet and that she should use Betty’s room as she never slept in the bed. Mary having already worked 12 hours did not argue and headed for bed. Mary fell asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow…… Twenty minutes later Mary was woken by a tapping at the window (this is on the fourth floor of a Victorian house)…… Mary obviously thought that this was a little odd but having seen most things in her time as a carer in an old people’s home decided to investigate and open the curtains….. There on the ledge was small boy, tapping on the window. Mary at that point turned from sensible nurse to screaming, hysterical banshee and ran for her life back to the staff room, where she slowly calmed down and called the police, who arrived and searched the building. Nothing was found but the Police interviewed Betty in the morning who confirmed that the reason she could not sleep was that she was being kept awake by a small boy who wanted to get into her room.

This all happened about 6 years ago and since then the Home has closed and been turned into Luxury flats. If you are ever in Bristol and see a cheap flat on the fourth floor a Victorian Building on Pembroke Road, please think seriously about putting in an offer.

Apologies about length etc….
(Wed 26th Apr 2006, 14:33, More)

» Weird Traditions

Farting Tradition
It's been a long tradition in my family to say "Doorknob" after farting. If someone says "Doorknob" before you, they are liberty to hit you before you can find a "Doorknob" to touch. I have no idea where this started,
(Tue 2nd Aug 2005, 15:49, More)