» Misunderstood

The chat up line that never was.
Back in March 2004 I'd just split up from my wife and had been spending a few weekends down in Ashbourne (near Derby) with my best mate Mike and his local friends. On one particularly drunken evening, we wandered into The Greeen Man, a local bar that had a huge function room at the rear which doubled up as the infamous 'Green Man Disco'. (Possibly the worst club you've ever been to) Mike was doing his best to keep me entertained and was introducing me to dozens of people in each bar we visited, including The Green Man. As we staggered up to the bar, Mike gathered the female bar staff and began introducing me to them. We decided that it was time for Tequila, so I asked Mike's barmaid friend for "Three shots of Tequila please". She stood and stared at me for a what seemed like an eternity, then screamed "I'VE GOT A FUCKING BOYFRIEND!" and stormed off. I went bright red as Mike and his mates collapsed on the floor laughing. Mike composed himself and called her back over. She came back, looking like she was spoiling for a fight and we asked her what her problem was and said all I'd asked for was Tequila. The penny dropped, she went very red and ran off crying. A few minutes later, a very apologetic bar manager appeared with Tequila and said "Sorry about that mate, it's probably best you don't know what she thought you said". We got a free round out of it, but to this day we still have no idea what the mad bint thought I'd said.
(Mon 10th Oct 2005, 13:36, More)

» I met a weirdo on the interweb

Internet dating and ferret breeding...you think I'd know better at my age.
This goes back to the summer of 2004. I'd split from my wife in February of the same year and from March up to June I'd been having a rather steamy relationship with my closest female friend. (who I'd previously got to know in 2000 via the internet and going to several gigs with her and her mates) Anyway, she dumped me one afternoon while I was at work so I spent the next couple of weeks drowning my sorrows and basically shagging anything that squated for a piss and had a pulse. (Though I wasn't too fussy about the pulse bit, as long as the corpse was still warm). Anyway, one of my workmates suggested I tried internet dating as (in his own words) "The women on there are desperate and gagging for it". I signed up an account with dating direct and 'unleased hell'.

Never will I do this ever again, not ever, not even if my life depended on it.

I went on approximately two-dozen dates in the space of three months. I met nymphos, femininists, racists, shag-buddies, a girl who wanted to shag me with a strap-on and even a woman who wanted me to move in after the third date. (needless to say, I made my excuses and left, though not without a goodbye shag first).

The icing on the cake though was the blind-date. I'd been chatting with a lady online who seemed perfectly rational - had her own house, car, decent job, similar taste in music etc and we agreed to meet for a drink in my local. Now, I usually refused to meet anyone without a photo (I'd been warned) but in this case I thought I'd give her the benefit of the doubt. All I knew was I had to look out for a medium height woman with brown hair, ample cleavage, a cut smile and a denim skirt. Nervously, I hung around near the pool table end of the large bar and waited for my date...

Then it happened...fighting her way through the crowds of VERY fit local ladies, this 4ft 11 *thing* limped up to me, with a half smile befitting a stroke victim and long brown hair that looked like it had never been introduced to a decent shampoo. But, me being the gentleman I agreed to stay for a drink with her and we sat and chatted about music and films. Although she wasn't much to look at she did have the conversational skills of an angel...

Until she started mentioning relationship stuff, that is. Her opening gambit was to tell me about her set up at home. It turns out that her part-tim job was to look after an elederly relative of hers who sometimes stayed at her house and "would I mind the occasional smell of urine?". She reassured me that it wasn't all th e time though and she was free for weekends away and holidays IF I WANTED TO BOOK THEM!.

Now I'm getting scared.

Then she proceeds to quiz me on what I do in my free time, I answered politely and then she proceeded to tell me that "If you and I are together you'll have to knock a lot of your activities on the head as you'll be helping me with the 37 ferrets I keep as they take up a lot of my spare time and you'll have to help me with them". (This was in-between dodging incontinent old people in her living room, presumably).

Remember I said she limped into the bar? Well I offered her a seat and she turned me down saying "Sorry, the plastic cartlidge in my knee is playing up tonight and if I sit down I'll seize up"

I spent nearly three hours trying to find an excuse to leave, but it was no use, I guess I was too scared to do a runner. When I finally got aound to saying it was time for me to go, she almost broke down and said "What's wrong? You haven't asked me to see you again yet, or even tried to kiss me!!!" I mumbled something about needing to be up early in the morning and said I'd call her, which I didn't.

Got a full two days of texts from her until she finally got the message when I texed her back and said "LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE YOU WEIRD MOLESTER OF SMALL RODENTS".

Current girlfriend is actually someone I met on match.com who I never dated in about a year, became friends with and then ended up getting a lot closer. For the record she's reassuringly normal and likes the bits of b3ta that aren't too blokey.

No apologies for length, Michelle's never complained so why should anyone else.
(Sat 18th Mar 2006, 19:35, More)

» Debt pron

How I turned £42k of debt into a fresh start.
OK, picture this. In February 2004 I split from my wife (who was and still is the biggest cunt on the entire planet, I shit you not). At the time she was earning £15k per year, I was earning £24k per year and had personal debts of £20k, with a house that was mortgaged for £110k and worth £140k. At this point everything seemed manageable...however, horrid ex wanted CSA money on top of me paying all of my debts, 50% of the mortgage and a shed-load of other crap that came with my impending divorce proceedings.

Anyway, we came to the agreement that we'd put the house up for sale and in the meantime I'd service my debts by bouncing them between credit cards, leaving me with my wages to pay CSA and my half of the mortgage.

Great plan, thinks I, the house will sell in 3 months tops, I'll get my share of the funds and I'll clear my debts quickly.....

Nine months later and silly-bitch has only just put the house on the market, after stalling me using every legal (and illegal) trick in the book. By this time I've bounced my debts around that much that I've accrued a total debt of £42k, sending me into debt management with the CCCS.

One year later (October 2005) the house sells for roughly 2k more than it's mortgaged for (all that stalling by the she-bitch saw us land in the middle of seasonal price slump in the local area), and her solicitor demands 70% of the house sale profit in her side of the divorce settlement, leaving me with about £600 in cash and still £42k in debt.

Did I mention I'd also had a breakdown and been suspended from work on full pay in September 2005? No? Oh well, just thought I'd throw that in...

Fast forward to September 2006 and I resigned from my job (which by this time had an annual salary of £27k, which they still paid me while I was off sick), started a BA in Management and Marketing at Uni and three weeks into the semester I declared myself bankrupt.

In defence of the SLC, they knew what my plans were before my bankruptcy date and have been nothing but supportive. Their payments have been made on time, their communication is spot on and they weren't bothered about me having a shite credit rating.

Also...big thanks to Nat West for sorting me out with an account to use while I'm an undischarged bankrupt at Uni, which even came with a Solo card. Providing I can clear up my credit reference files after my discharge next year I'll be back on to a proper Switch Card, though I have no desire to get an overdraft!

With the exception of my student loan, I don't have any debts now. I pay rent to my parents (moved in to their house after my divorce), have enough money to pay my bills, to go out and to see my girlfriend (Who never complains about the length, just thought I'd get that one in there). Also, thanks to the UK Bankruptcy laws, my company pension fund (which ran from my 17th birthday up to my 32nd birthday...two weeks before starting uni) is untouched and stands at a healthy £27k - the only smart financial decision I've ever made - starting a pension early and having payments deducted at source.

The moral of this story - NEVER borrow more than you can afford to pay off in one month, NEVER rob Peter to pay Paul and NEVER marry a psychotic ginger woman.

For the record, of the £42k of debt I have nothing to show for it. Let this be a warning.
(Mon 27th Nov 2006, 1:57, More)

» Oldies vs Computers

My worthless black-hole of an existence - applies to all you 'hilarious' IT people with your witty quips
During my time as highly respected I.T. monkey I regularly used to set up multiflopping-hyperthreaded LAN servelets tosspot incomatic wankfests (Beta versions) while simultaneously handling support calls from the drones who were having trouble with windoze.(see what I did, that's an industry joke)We'd always put their calls on speaker-phone so myself and my fellow colleagues could wallow in our own crapulence as we mutually masturbated in the tech room, the winner being the first person to spunk before the person calling I.T. support had said "Ok, I've turned it back on but I'm still locked out of my profile." Oh how we laughed as everyone looked so beneath us and I shot my muck into the eyes of the human spunk vessel that was our cleaner. How dare they be PC illiterate, they should've been shot on sight, leaving me free to go back to my delusory world of motherboards, masturbatng to downloaded images of cambodean whores and my own jacked up feelings of self importance. That's what helped me sleep at night, along with the endless laughs generated by making hardworking people feel small as I scraped them a few crumbs from my vast table of I.T. knowledge.

Of course, I grew tired of my career and I'm now self employed, developing a way of powering a small reactor using my own smugness as an infinite power source.

No apologies for length, read the fucking manual next time you low paid tramps.
(Mon 25th Sep 2006, 0:44, More)

» Best Graffiti Ever

As seen in the toilets at bae systems.
Personal favourites from my former employee's various toilet cubicles...

"Is the opposite of pay increment, pay excrement or is it just shit pay?"

As seen on the toilet roll dispenser - "Wage Slips - Please take one" (Similar to one I've seen at Hull Uni which says "Pyschology Degrees - Please take one").

One bit of graffiti from an angsty employee said
"FUCK SHIT BOLLOCKS AND WANK!"

Followed by the reply of "A Man with great vision"

Followed by "No, a man with great coordination"
(Sun 6th May 2007, 22:47, More)