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- a member for 18 years, 7 months and 18 days
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- has posted 43 stories and 8 replies on question of the week
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» Shit Stories: Part Number Two
Oh fucking hell....
... it's embarrassing how many shit stories are flooding my mind now.
The same mate who had the mussel incident (whom i lived with at the time) had the shits. Separate occasion, months/years later.
He was in bed, ill, quaffing pepto bismol or whatever and trying to recover.
After a day or so, we were going out and asked him if he was up to it to which he replied he was.
So we're all downstairs (me, another mate and the ill persons gf, now wife) waiting for him.
Down he comes looking pleased as punch, and announces "i can now fart with confidence - i'm all better", at which point he lifted his leg onto the arm of the chair, strained, and shat himself right in front of us - all ceremoniously.
The look of horror on his face was superb. We cried. In fact, i've been crying in the office writing these. I cant tell my colleagues why i'm shaking and crying with laughter either.
"I'm recalling stories about shit". It's not that kind of job.
No apologies for anything. Ever.
(Thu 3rd Apr 2008, 13:25, More)
Oh fucking hell....
... it's embarrassing how many shit stories are flooding my mind now.
The same mate who had the mussel incident (whom i lived with at the time) had the shits. Separate occasion, months/years later.
He was in bed, ill, quaffing pepto bismol or whatever and trying to recover.
After a day or so, we were going out and asked him if he was up to it to which he replied he was.
So we're all downstairs (me, another mate and the ill persons gf, now wife) waiting for him.
Down he comes looking pleased as punch, and announces "i can now fart with confidence - i'm all better", at which point he lifted his leg onto the arm of the chair, strained, and shat himself right in front of us - all ceremoniously.
The look of horror on his face was superb. We cried. In fact, i've been crying in the office writing these. I cant tell my colleagues why i'm shaking and crying with laughter either.
"I'm recalling stories about shit". It's not that kind of job.
No apologies for anything. Ever.
(Thu 3rd Apr 2008, 13:25, More)
» My computer gave away my secrets
Autocuntplete again.
When returning from work one day i was greeted with an icy welcome and the rather tricky question "did you find any dirty college sluts then?"
*choke*
(Wed 15th Feb 2006, 13:03, More)
Autocuntplete again.
When returning from work one day i was greeted with an icy welcome and the rather tricky question "did you find any dirty college sluts then?"
*choke*
(Wed 15th Feb 2006, 13:03, More)
» Missing body parts
Rare Condition
I have a rare condition where i temporarily lose my mind.
Memory loss follows these episodes, followed by a stinking headache and the discovery that i've 'lost' all my money and gained several bruises all over my body. A degree of embarrassment is always felt, but i'm never entirely sure why.
This usually happens on Fridays and Saturdays.
Doctors are baffled.
(Fri 2nd Jun 2006, 11:48, More)
Rare Condition
I have a rare condition where i temporarily lose my mind.
Memory loss follows these episodes, followed by a stinking headache and the discovery that i've 'lost' all my money and gained several bruises all over my body. A degree of embarrassment is always felt, but i'm never entirely sure why.
This usually happens on Fridays and Saturdays.
Doctors are baffled.
(Fri 2nd Jun 2006, 11:48, More)
» Kids
KFC
Whilst at a motorway services and looking for the least shite food to give the kids in the car on the last part of the journey we arrived at KFC.
My 7yo son, who'd accompanied me to help, looked up to see where we were about get the dinner.
"KFC" he says. then thinks a bit and says "Kentucky fucking chicken?"
None of my kids swear so this was a nice surprise i thought.
Good use of the word, creative and very apt. He'll go far.
(Tue 22nd Apr 2008, 13:34, More)
KFC
Whilst at a motorway services and looking for the least shite food to give the kids in the car on the last part of the journey we arrived at KFC.
My 7yo son, who'd accompanied me to help, looked up to see where we were about get the dinner.
"KFC" he says. then thinks a bit and says "Kentucky fucking chicken?"
None of my kids swear so this was a nice surprise i thought.
Good use of the word, creative and very apt. He'll go far.
(Tue 22nd Apr 2008, 13:34, More)
» Shoplifting
New Bike
I got a half decent BMX for christmas one year and although disappointed it wasn't the one i was after i realised it had a decent enough frame so i set about trips to Halfords to see how i could pimp it up a bit.
Each Saturday me and a mate would go in there, paw over the brake levers, cables, handlebars, pads etc etc and each week we'd rob a new piece.
The largest single item was a saddle and post and the next and only items left to replace on the bike were the wheels - everything else was as good as it could have been, at Halfords expense.
Pinching a wheel wasn't wise, so i changed the price on a Skyway II mag wheel and paid less than half for it (this is before computers and barcodes of course).
The only thing left to rob was the matching front wheel but before i could go back in there, some cunt nicked the bike.
Imagine that.
Thankfully i was too young to appreciate karma and all that so i learned nothing.
(Thu 10th Jan 2008, 13:26, More)
New Bike
I got a half decent BMX for christmas one year and although disappointed it wasn't the one i was after i realised it had a decent enough frame so i set about trips to Halfords to see how i could pimp it up a bit.
Each Saturday me and a mate would go in there, paw over the brake levers, cables, handlebars, pads etc etc and each week we'd rob a new piece.
The largest single item was a saddle and post and the next and only items left to replace on the bike were the wheels - everything else was as good as it could have been, at Halfords expense.
Pinching a wheel wasn't wise, so i changed the price on a Skyway II mag wheel and paid less than half for it (this is before computers and barcodes of course).
The only thing left to rob was the matching front wheel but before i could go back in there, some cunt nicked the bike.
Imagine that.
Thankfully i was too young to appreciate karma and all that so i learned nothing.
(Thu 10th Jan 2008, 13:26, More)