You might see the punchline early on.

(Wed 15th Aug 2007, 22:48, More)

I've been waiting for this compo...

(Wed 18th Jul 2007, 22:10, More)

U gotta switch...

(Tue 3rd Jul 2007, 22:23, More)

*Apologies unreservedly

(Mon 19th Mar 2007, 15:40, More)

48.52 Meticais = approx 98p to save you looking it up

(Mon 5th Mar 2007, 16:20, More)

That's right Sugar, it is rather an old book.... My name yes it's....

(Mon 7th Aug 2006, 22:38, More)

?


I've posted this idea before, but tarted it up for this compo
(Sat 24th Jun 2006, 21:31, More)

» Have you ever paid for sex?

Paying for sex includes hotel porn right?
Seeing this weeks newsletter about disabled porn reminded me of this. This is not my story, it's a friend's. But as he is on a round the world motorbike trip at the moment, I'll tell it the way he does.

"I checked into a hotel in Jo'burg, and of course the first thing you do is check out the quality of the in room porn.

So i had a look and there were 4 or 5 channels, mostly of the "Anal party" or "Teen Orgy" variety, but the last option intrigued me; it said "Disabled adult channel".

"Well," I thought, "if they're sick enough to make disabled porn, I'm sick enough to watch it" So I unzipped and selected that option.

Then and only then did I realise it actually said "DISABLE adult channels" and my 2 week stay in this shit hole would now be without any right hand action because I was too embarassed to phone reception to get it reinstated."

I have no idea whether this is true or not. But it's funny.
(Fri 20th Jan 2006, 15:49, More)

» My computer gave away my secrets

Long Long time ago I used to be sysadmin for a company in London
where we used a program called mailsweeper to scan incoming email for dubious words. If an email contained an offending word, then it would get forwarded to the netadmin (me). Including of course ALL of the directors mails.

Part of my job was to analyse the mails, and forward them on to the recipient with a note saying "Can you ask so and so not to swear or refer to black people as n***ers when they send you an email. Ta."

The more serious ones would be cc'd to a director and it was upto them if they took any action.

Imagine then, my dilemma when the system catches an email from a female ex employee, to the married managing director saying something along the lines of:
"Great meeting up with you last night, my hole is still sore from where you fucked it so good baby" etc.

So rather than forward it on with a "Careful now" message I invited the rest of the company to come and read it on my PC instead.

Incidentally the list of stop words used by mailsweeper then was just the funniest list of swear words and racist terms ever. "Porch Monkey" anyone?
(Fri 10th Feb 2006, 13:26, More)

» Child Labour

Every cloud....
When I was about 14, a paperboy in the next town went missing from his paper round, and subsequently turned out to have been murdered by a paedophile. This is a terribly sad but true story.

Until the man who did it was caught, there was a very real sense of panic among parents that this person could strike again. So many stopped their children from doing their paper rounds

Obviously, this led to a skills shortage in my local town of people with a the relevant qualifications to deliver newspapers. i.e. posession of bicycle, ability to read numbers on front of doors.

The newsagents were either having to deliver the papers themselves, or ask their customers to come fetch them. Not an ideal situation.

Seeing an opportunity to cash in, I strolled into my local Dillons (local paper shop chain) and said "Any paper rounds going?".

The following day I found myself laden with three day-glo orange bags on my Raleigh Mountain Bike (with mudguards that my Dad insisted I have, I mean how gay are mud guards on a mountain bike?) spending an hour and a half delivering papers to the mostly elderly residents of my town, who turned out to be excellent Christmas tippers!

I kept this up for the next 18 months, and also took on an evening paper round too. I ended up being shit at school, but rich (for a 14 year old).

So I'd like to extend a big hand of thanks to that paperboy, who's untimely demise indirectly benefitted me to the tune of about £25 a week. Cheers.

So not really a story of how I was exploited as a child, but a story of how I exploited the newspaper delivery industry. Yes.

Next week: How I got a school caretakers job in Cambridgeshire, when the previous employee had to leave the post unexpectedly.
(Mon 20th Feb 2006, 10:03, More)

» Accidentally Erotic

Sharing is cathartic...
My children have a Balamory game which involves throwing a dice to choose pieces of a jigsaw puzzle to assemble into one of the characters.

For some reason, evereytime I join Miss Hoolie's legs to her body, I find it mildly arousing. That's right, making Miss Hoolie's legs in a jigsaw gives me a tingling sensation down there.

This does not happen with Edie Mcreedy, Josie Jump (although the original Josie Jump is quite fit) or Penny Pocket - obviously because her legs are in a wheel chair.

So there: I suffer from BalaHooliePuzzlephilia and I look forward to having BalaHooliePuzzle painted in big red letters on my front door and somebody throwing yoghurt pots through my window.

I think the government should be spending more on researching this kind of illness.
(Thu 9th Feb 2006, 10:31, More)

» Customers from Hell

I worked in Garden Centre
Our Growbags cost £1.39 each, but the local DIY store was selling Growbags for 99p. My boss, the owner of the garden centre was not known to suffer fools easily.

One day a middle aged chap came in and the conversation went like this:

Chap: "How much are your grow bags please?"
Boss: "They're £1.39 each sir."
Chap: "Oh. They're only 99p down the road."
Boss: "Well if you want it cheaper then I'm afraid you'll have to go there, because ours are £1.39"
Chap: "Ah, but they haven't got any left..."
Boss: "Well, when we have none left, ours are 99p as well."
(Sun 7th Sep 2008, 10:30, More)