Profile for assistant commissioner terra blanche:
31 yo male, fat, greasy, ugly, minging... need I go on??
Still trying to get the hang of GIMP (noob to all this stuff!), for shoppage & Postage, but suffering severe lack of hummus...
Anyone with any GIMP tips, I'm on [email protected]
Cheers Y'all!
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31 yo male, fat, greasy, ugly, minging... need I go on??
Still trying to get the hang of GIMP (noob to all this stuff!), for shoppage & Postage, but suffering severe lack of hummus...
Anyone with any GIMP tips, I'm on [email protected]
Cheers Y'all!
Recent front page messages:
none
Best answers to questions:
» Oldies vs Computers
Dirty Old Bastard!
As I stated previously, I'm kinda good with PC's, and nowadays, like a lot of you here, I get many phonecalls, asking me to sort PC's out from locals, who have caused themselves major problems, by running Windows XP instead of Linux.
Anyway, one chap who I have known for about 15 years, who is married, has quite a successful business, a 6 bedroom chalet bungalow and 4 quite fit daughters called me up one day last year.
Turns out he has a problem with one of his business PC's, that is in a particular room, and only gets used for a particular purpose, and that isnt connected to the 'net.
He couldnt make head nor tail of the problem, and I was off sick at the time, so I suggested that he unplug it, and bring the case round to me, so that I could plug it in, and get to work. An initial look, revealed that it was indeed something serious, and that he really ought to leave it with me for a few days, so that I could take my time, as it was going to be a toughie.
It was like it was infected with a virus of some description, but none of the scans would pick it up, so I had to try and locate the little bugger, and send it off for analysis, as I didnt have the brains myself.
Anyway, I was in and out of files and folders for most of the next day, and then I found it........
In a folder, within a folder, within a folder, within a folder..... all the folders looked like business related stuff. And what was in the offending folder I hear you cry??
39MB of pics...... TEH COCK PR0N!!!!!!!
Needless to say, that for upsetting my already fragile mind, and for being a dirty bastard, he just HAD to have a format c: :-)
So, Windows was reloaded (there was no data that needed to be saved, it was just full of programming software), and a phonecall was placed for him to come get it.
He arrived, I explained what was wrong. He asked me how on earth a virus could have got in there, if it has never been connected to the net..... I explained that it must have come in from another source... he then asked me where it was......
The look on his face when I told him it was in the folder named "xyz" (folder name changed to protect the closet gay).
He had a brief "Oh feck, I want the ground to open up and swallow me whole" moment, then opened his wallet, removed the entire contents, and thrust them into my hand, before blurting something about must hurry, dinner ready or similar, and bolting out the door.....
After he had gone, I smiled to myself, and turned my attention to the ball of crumpled paper in my hand.... 45 quid!!! just for a format c: and a few pictures of penises!
He's been very nice to me since that event.... he used to be a right grumpy fecker... but now he knows that his wife works at the same establishment as me...
I love blackmail :-)
(Sat 23rd Sep 2006, 15:20, More)
Dirty Old Bastard!
As I stated previously, I'm kinda good with PC's, and nowadays, like a lot of you here, I get many phonecalls, asking me to sort PC's out from locals, who have caused themselves major problems, by running Windows XP instead of Linux.
Anyway, one chap who I have known for about 15 years, who is married, has quite a successful business, a 6 bedroom chalet bungalow and 4 quite fit daughters called me up one day last year.
Turns out he has a problem with one of his business PC's, that is in a particular room, and only gets used for a particular purpose, and that isnt connected to the 'net.
He couldnt make head nor tail of the problem, and I was off sick at the time, so I suggested that he unplug it, and bring the case round to me, so that I could plug it in, and get to work. An initial look, revealed that it was indeed something serious, and that he really ought to leave it with me for a few days, so that I could take my time, as it was going to be a toughie.
It was like it was infected with a virus of some description, but none of the scans would pick it up, so I had to try and locate the little bugger, and send it off for analysis, as I didnt have the brains myself.
Anyway, I was in and out of files and folders for most of the next day, and then I found it........
In a folder, within a folder, within a folder, within a folder..... all the folders looked like business related stuff. And what was in the offending folder I hear you cry??
39MB of pics...... TEH COCK PR0N!!!!!!!
Needless to say, that for upsetting my already fragile mind, and for being a dirty bastard, he just HAD to have a format c: :-)
So, Windows was reloaded (there was no data that needed to be saved, it was just full of programming software), and a phonecall was placed for him to come get it.
He arrived, I explained what was wrong. He asked me how on earth a virus could have got in there, if it has never been connected to the net..... I explained that it must have come in from another source... he then asked me where it was......
The look on his face when I told him it was in the folder named "xyz" (folder name changed to protect the closet gay).
He had a brief "Oh feck, I want the ground to open up and swallow me whole" moment, then opened his wallet, removed the entire contents, and thrust them into my hand, before blurting something about must hurry, dinner ready or similar, and bolting out the door.....
After he had gone, I smiled to myself, and turned my attention to the ball of crumpled paper in my hand.... 45 quid!!! just for a format c: and a few pictures of penises!
He's been very nice to me since that event.... he used to be a right grumpy fecker... but now he knows that his wife works at the same establishment as me...
I love blackmail :-)
(Sat 23rd Sep 2006, 15:20, More)
» World's Sickest Joke
Picture The Scene.....
It's the weekend, with a week to go before christmas.
Michael Jackson is sitting at home, with his aide, and feels like getting into the Christmas spirit, so asks his aide to go out and rent him a DVD.. something with a bit of a seasonal feel.....
Trouble is, MJ hasnt really much of a clue what he wants...
So his aide suggests "Tell you what Michael, seeing as you're a big Disney fan, why not get Aladdin?"
To which Jackson replies: "Fuck off, you know what I had to go through last time I did that......"
Coat is already on!
(Mon 19th Dec 2005, 19:03, More)
Picture The Scene.....
It's the weekend, with a week to go before christmas.
Michael Jackson is sitting at home, with his aide, and feels like getting into the Christmas spirit, so asks his aide to go out and rent him a DVD.. something with a bit of a seasonal feel.....
Trouble is, MJ hasnt really much of a clue what he wants...
So his aide suggests "Tell you what Michael, seeing as you're a big Disney fan, why not get Aladdin?"
To which Jackson replies: "Fuck off, you know what I had to go through last time I did that......"
Coat is already on!
(Mon 19th Dec 2005, 19:03, More)
» World's Sickest Joke
2 Dyslexics are on a Skiing trip.....
... When they begin to argue over whether they zig zag, or zag zig down teh slopes.
The argument rages all morning, and begins to get fairly heated, with the danger of it turning into a full on scrap.
Then, suddenly, they spy a lone chap on the slope, and decide to ask him his opinion.
One of the dyslexics asks him the question.
He thinks for a moment, and then says "Well, really, you're asking the wrong guy.... you see I'm a tobogganist".
Without a second thought, the second dyslexic blurts out:
"I'll have 20 Embassy and a Daily Express then please....."
Not sick, but you have to be there really.....
/relurk
(Thu 22nd Dec 2005, 12:00, More)
2 Dyslexics are on a Skiing trip.....
... When they begin to argue over whether they zig zag, or zag zig down teh slopes.
The argument rages all morning, and begins to get fairly heated, with the danger of it turning into a full on scrap.
Then, suddenly, they spy a lone chap on the slope, and decide to ask him his opinion.
One of the dyslexics asks him the question.
He thinks for a moment, and then says "Well, really, you're asking the wrong guy.... you see I'm a tobogganist".
Without a second thought, the second dyslexic blurts out:
"I'll have 20 Embassy and a Daily Express then please....."
Not sick, but you have to be there really.....
/relurk
(Thu 22nd Dec 2005, 12:00, More)
» Oldies vs Computers
D'oh....
It was 1996. I was working for a "national" company (read main office, and offices in London & Birmingham with about 4 staff each).
The boss decides that is time to upgrade the sales computer system, and blow thousands on a network between the 3 offices, and nice new Windows 95 powered machines. Trouble was, as the young "whippersnapper" of the company, I was slightly quicker at picking things up, as far as computers were concerned, and every time anything went wrong, I was the poor soul who had to ring the support desk at the company, to try and get a "DIY" solution to the problem. And then sort it out.
Thus, I quickly earned the title of "IT Support Officer" (without the extra fecking pay, that you would think a post of this nature would attract).
So, as if it was bad enough having to deal with all the self inflicted problems of the staff at Kimbolton, I started to get phonecalls from the Harrow & Birmingham offices too, with dorks on the other end of the phone, expecting me to be psychic, and diagnose and fix the problem before they had even told me the symptoms.... sometimes they werent even intelligent enough to describe them... but I digress.
One morning, I had a phonecall from one of the other offices (names and locations witheld, to protect the dumb).
Me: "Good morning, how can I help you this time".
Twit: "I've got a problem with my PC"
Me: "Yes, ok, nothing new there then, what's the screen showing this time (this was a regular idiot).
Twit: "Oh, it's not the screen.... it's the big bit, that sits under my desk......"
Me: "yes, well, what's wrong?"
Twit: "The little coffee cup holder has snapped off, spilling coffee all over my shoes. I need you to order a new one, as it's dead handy... stops me from getting a ring on my desk"
Me: "Eh?? coffee cup holder? what?"
Twit: "You know, that little thing that comes out... you press the button on the front, and the cup holder slides out......"
Oh dear. Cue one instantly terminated call (I had to, I was about to piss myself!), and fits of near on fatal laughter. On explaining to the rest of the sales office what had happened, the entire sales operation collapsed for a good 20 minutes while the guys and gals recomposed themselves.
Cue the entrance of the MD, who came to see what was going on, as he could hear it from his office down the corridor.
I briefly explained, he went bright red and started seething. A quick phonecall to the offending idiot ensued, in which all kinds of profanities were screamed down the phone. At the end of the call, the MD joined us in our laughter.
The plonker ended up getting a written warning for misuse of company property!
It still makes me chuckle 10 years later.... especially now, as I have a mug of coffee here on the desk, and I've just opened the drawer to put a CD in... yes, it was tempting!
Length? Girth? you love it, you know you do!
(Sat 23rd Sep 2006, 13:46, More)
D'oh....
It was 1996. I was working for a "national" company (read main office, and offices in London & Birmingham with about 4 staff each).
The boss decides that is time to upgrade the sales computer system, and blow thousands on a network between the 3 offices, and nice new Windows 95 powered machines. Trouble was, as the young "whippersnapper" of the company, I was slightly quicker at picking things up, as far as computers were concerned, and every time anything went wrong, I was the poor soul who had to ring the support desk at the company, to try and get a "DIY" solution to the problem. And then sort it out.
Thus, I quickly earned the title of "IT Support Officer" (without the extra fecking pay, that you would think a post of this nature would attract).
So, as if it was bad enough having to deal with all the self inflicted problems of the staff at Kimbolton, I started to get phonecalls from the Harrow & Birmingham offices too, with dorks on the other end of the phone, expecting me to be psychic, and diagnose and fix the problem before they had even told me the symptoms.... sometimes they werent even intelligent enough to describe them... but I digress.
One morning, I had a phonecall from one of the other offices (names and locations witheld, to protect the dumb).
Me: "Good morning, how can I help you this time".
Twit: "I've got a problem with my PC"
Me: "Yes, ok, nothing new there then, what's the screen showing this time (this was a regular idiot).
Twit: "Oh, it's not the screen.... it's the big bit, that sits under my desk......"
Me: "yes, well, what's wrong?"
Twit: "The little coffee cup holder has snapped off, spilling coffee all over my shoes. I need you to order a new one, as it's dead handy... stops me from getting a ring on my desk"
Me: "Eh?? coffee cup holder? what?"
Twit: "You know, that little thing that comes out... you press the button on the front, and the cup holder slides out......"
Oh dear. Cue one instantly terminated call (I had to, I was about to piss myself!), and fits of near on fatal laughter. On explaining to the rest of the sales office what had happened, the entire sales operation collapsed for a good 20 minutes while the guys and gals recomposed themselves.
Cue the entrance of the MD, who came to see what was going on, as he could hear it from his office down the corridor.
I briefly explained, he went bright red and started seething. A quick phonecall to the offending idiot ensued, in which all kinds of profanities were screamed down the phone. At the end of the call, the MD joined us in our laughter.
The plonker ended up getting a written warning for misuse of company property!
It still makes me chuckle 10 years later.... especially now, as I have a mug of coffee here on the desk, and I've just opened the drawer to put a CD in... yes, it was tempting!
Length? Girth? you love it, you know you do!
(Sat 23rd Sep 2006, 13:46, More)
» World's Sickest Joke
Bit of an unlikely one, but bear with me....
There are 3 people on a private jet. Pope John Paul II, David Beckham, and a 7 year old schoolgirl.
Halfway through the flight, at 30,000 feet, the co pilot comes back, to tell them that both engines are on fire, and that they have to abandon the plane by parachute.
The problem is, there are only 2 spare chutes, and 3 passengers.
On hearing this, Beckham grabs a chute and is straight out the door, without any thought for the other 2 passengers.
Which then left Pope JPII, and the little girl, with one chute.
"It's ok little girl" said the Pope. "I have led a good life, I am friends with God, I have nothing to fear through death.... you on the other hand are young, you have your whole life ahead of you... you take the chute my child, I'll remain"
The little girl thinks for a moment, and replies:
"That won't be necessary your popeness.... David grabbed my rucksack and jumped out of the door....."
Apologies for existing.....
(Sun 1st Jan 2006, 14:33, More)
Bit of an unlikely one, but bear with me....
There are 3 people on a private jet. Pope John Paul II, David Beckham, and a 7 year old schoolgirl.
Halfway through the flight, at 30,000 feet, the co pilot comes back, to tell them that both engines are on fire, and that they have to abandon the plane by parachute.
The problem is, there are only 2 spare chutes, and 3 passengers.
On hearing this, Beckham grabs a chute and is straight out the door, without any thought for the other 2 passengers.
Which then left Pope JPII, and the little girl, with one chute.
"It's ok little girl" said the Pope. "I have led a good life, I am friends with God, I have nothing to fear through death.... you on the other hand are young, you have your whole life ahead of you... you take the chute my child, I'll remain"
The little girl thinks for a moment, and replies:
"That won't be necessary your popeness.... David grabbed my rucksack and jumped out of the door....."
Apologies for existing.....
(Sun 1st Jan 2006, 14:33, More)