» Missing body parts

Big Fight With Dad
My Dad went a bit "mental" once after the loss of my Mum (which he was totally responsible for, but that's another story ...)

Anyway, I once had this MASSIVE fight with my father, resulting in him slicing my entire hand off with a fucking hot sword, you really couldn't imagine the pain I was in.

Anyway, after many hours of painful surgery, I was fitted with a prosthetic hand and fingers.

Which was nice.

I didn't want to rule the universe with him anyway.

(Pop!)
(Fri 2nd Jun 2006, 13:08, More)

» Unexpected Nudity

Do animals count?
I was helping my Dad on his farm last week. Dad was checking the sheep for ticks and lice, and generally showing me what to look out for.

Suddenly and without warning, he started singing a catchy little tune to himself. I can't remember the exact lyrics, but it went something along the lines of:


"I'm done shearing all my sheep,
I've castrated the head ram,
So, the healthiest I'll keep,
for tonight’s roast dinner - lamb"

(Chorus - all)
"la la la la la"

'Well - THAT came from nowhere!' I commented.

'Yes' he said

... 'It was an "unexpected Ewe ditty" '
(Sun 31st May 2009, 9:13, More)

» Mugged

I certainly got my oats that night I can tell ya.
So I was right in the middle of a trip to the US, hoping to get lucky with this rather cute reporter who'd asked, well insisted I come and visit her. Even paid my air fare.

Anyhoo, the culture was taking a way bit of getting used to but that's another story.

One night, we're on our way home, taking a short cut through this alley (not the most intelligent move, I'll agree), when this punk wanders over and asks us to hand over our money.

The cute reporter starts getting her purse out and whispers to me

"... you'd better give him your wallet - he's got a knife"

"THAT'S not a knife!" I say ... and reach into my jacket and pull out this ginormous 18" machete.

"THIS - is a knife!"

The punk took one look at it and legged it.
(Tue 20th Jun 2006, 15:26, More)

» Cringe!

A morning lift
Within reason, I'll generally use the stairs in preference to taking the lift.

That said, I used to work on the 6th floor so I reckoned it was OK to use the lift to go up.

Anyhoo, one morning, I get in the lift at the ground floor and am joined by another person - who presses the button for the 1st floor.

"That's a bit lazy, isn't it?" I half jokingly ask.

"Not really - I've got an artificial leg" they replied as the doors shut.



Length? About 15 seconds.
(Sat 29th Nov 2008, 23:29, More)

» Call Centres

Not quite a call center but ...
After a few beers me and a mate used to call up people from the phone book with the surname "Bullet"

My favourite went:

(Ring ring ring ring)
Them: "Hello?"
Me: "Mrs Bullet?"
Them: "Yes?"
Me: "You're fired!"
Then: "... Thank you." (in a dead pan heard it 1000 times before voice)
(Sun 6th Sep 2009, 23:00, More)