» Cougars and Sugar Daddies

My Dad
was 52.

My sister was 17.

They went out for a quiet catch up over an Indian meal.

Halfway through their meal a bloke walked over to the table, pointed his finger at my dad and said, 'You fucking disgust me.'

He shook his head and walked out.
(Thu 4th Dec 2008, 14:31, More)

» I Drank Meths (pointless teenage things you did to shock)

Thirst
I once decided to leave home after a screaming argument with the parents.

However, they outwitted me. I arrived downstairs having packed my bag (where I was going I don't know), to find the doors locked!

Cunningly, I filled up three bowls full of water and began to scream at the dog to drink them all. Dog looked confused and wandered off.

'What the hell are you doing?' asked Mum.

'If the dog drinks all the water,' I yelled through tears, 'you'll have to let her out to go toilet and then I CAN ESCAPE.'
(Fri 20th Jul 2007, 11:32, More)

» Spoilt Brats

Upon arriving two weeks late for the start of uni
Our final housemate arrived that evening with only one bag.

He said 'Hello, where is my room please?'

We told him it was upstairs, first on the left.

He went upstairs and we heard the door open and the very obvious sound of him standing still in the room for some time.

He came back downstairs. 'Where are the duvets kept?'

We asked him why he hadn't brought his own bedding.

A few moments of puzzled silence. The immortal question...

'Then at what time does the maid arrive tomorrow morning?'
(Thu 9th Oct 2008, 17:14, More)

» Spoilt Brats

My lovely idiot housemate
A parcel arrived every Monday morning, delivered by Parcelforce in a coolpack type thing.

In it, 14 tupperware containers containing identical chicken curry dishes that his mum had cooked him.

And on EVERY SINGLE LID, the instructions.

1. Remove lid.
2. Open door of microwave and put tub in the middle.
3. Close the door then press '3 minutes'.
4. Press 'Start'.

Then my favourite bit...

'Wait for it to cool, don't burn yourself, I love you. Mummy.'

He was 22.
(Tue 14th Oct 2008, 18:55, More)

» The worst sex I ever had

Good baby!!
FRIEND OF A FRIEND!!!

With a marvellous resemblance to the magnificent 'Pootits' tale from below, imagine yourself at Lancaster University. Just for a minute.

Bloke meets girl on college bar crawl. Bloke and girl get snogging, bloke and girl decide to have sex in her room.

They go back to the room and the girl prepares a lovely nightcap, some sort of warmed mysterious liqueur that the guy hasn't experienced before, but it goes down very well apparently.

What happened immediately after that is rather inconsequential, I believe that they had mediocre to good sex, and fell asleep together.

However.

Chap wakes up early the next morning to a rather unsavoury smell, and a feeling of unwelcome and unexpected liquid warmth. He looks down and realises he is wearing a nappy. A full nappy.

Is terrified. Tries to leave without waking girl but she catches him and starts desperately trying to pull off the nappy, and this is the lovely part, she was screaming "Good baby, good baby!!".

She eventually rips the nappy off and sets about eating the contents. Man leaves. Man cries. Man has a shower.

Long. Sorry.
(Wed 20th Jun 2007, 9:27, More)