» Well, that taught 'em

Ear twister
Many years ago, whilst attending year nine at a posh Grammer school we were occasionally forced to endure a semi retired, semi senile relief teacher when other teachers got sick. His main form of punishment consisted of ear twisting, and it bloody hurt too.

Our class room was on a second story and had a small ledge outside the window. We were also lucky enough to have a set of twins in our class that day.

A heavy school bag was placed on the ledge before class, and one of the twins avoided class, and we easily fooled the old twunt with the role call. The class attending twin then provided the teacher with an obvious ear twisting offence. Ear got twisted, twin announces suicide attempt, jumps out of window onto lower ledge, knocks bag off ledge and hides against wall. Non class attending twin removes bag into bushes and adopts "dead pose" beneath window.

Releif teacher runs downstairs to assess damage. Ground level twin returns to class via alternate stairwell, Twin on ledge climbs back in window. Teacher arrives at the scene of the suicide to find nothing. Looks up to a class of 20 or so 12/13 years old kids pissing themselves. The incident was never reported.
(Sun 29th Apr 2007, 9:32, More)

» World's Sickest Joke

Smoking
I was driving down the road the other day, finished a smoke and flicked it out the window.

About a minute later I smelt this horrible burning smell coming from the back of the car.


I turned around and had a look in the back seat; it was just Grandma fingering herself.
(Fri 27th Jan 2006, 5:45, More)

» Mistaken Identity

oops.
Back in the mid 90's I was a copywriter at an evil multi-national advertising agency. One day, after a boozy lunch I got back to the agency and decided it was time to take a slash/drain the dragon/syphon the python/splash the boots/ect.

(Maybe a comp idea, how many ways of phrasing taking a piss can we create).

I joined a fellow older, drunker(is that a word?) copywriter at the piss wall. I finished well before him and left the gents.
Little did I know the long time agency receptionist (about 55 years old) had been waitng outside to surprise Hank(the other writer). Her plan was to jump him from behind and give him a double rib tickle as he left the dunnies( I'm an Aussie).

I am the most ticlkish person in the world when it comes to rib tickling and recact very badly when it happens.

You guessed it, she jumped me, gave me a massive double rib tickle from behind. Imagine her surprise when I spun around and gave her a massive round house punch to the face.

She somehow reacted by crying and laughing at the same time, and explained I was not the intended target. I spent five minutes apologising and went back to my office rather sheepishly.

She was a good sport and we maintained a friendly relationship. (Not that kind of relationship you filthy minded freaks). The bruising was minimal, thankfully, and she told no-one. What a cool receptionist.

P.S. I'm drunk and may have overlooked some typo's.
(Fri 1st Jun 2007, 11:48, More)

» Picky Eaters

Salad dodger
When I was about 12 I was determined to teach my dog (a Dalmation) to eat salad and vegetables. After about a week of wrapping dog biscuits in lettuce leaves and cooking carrots in bacon fat, she began to eat salad without the meaty additives.

The next day my Mums vegetable patch was gone.
(Wed 7th Mar 2007, 1:16, More)

» Heckles

Can graffiti be considered heckling?
For many years in the 80's and early 90's there was some very large prominent graffiti on the side of the National Theatre in StKilda, Melbourne Australia. It simply read "Stop Animal Experiments. One day in the mid 90's I noticed it had been painted over with an extremely busy, colourful mural. It was very ugly. I was dissapointed as that graffiti had been there so long it was practically historical.

The following week I nearly crashed the car when I saw some new graffiti in very large letters below the mural. It read "Stop Mural Experiments."
(Wed 12th Apr 2006, 4:53, More)