» Stupid Tourists

Over here in the Fatherland
I once had the pleasure of hearing an English girl, while playing cards, try to ask a German lad if he was good at shuffling the deck.

Unfortunately, she didn't know the German for shuffle, but then she had the epiphany that shuffle is English slang for wank so why not in German? She asks the guy in perfect German: Can you wank well?
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A German friend once had a Dutch boyfriend. Your man spoke reasonable German and, as Dutch and German are pretty similar, you can sometimes guess words you don't know. So, mum asks, "what would you like for dinner?", and not knowing what poultry is in German, he guessed. It's "gevogelte" in Dutch, so he says, "Was gevögeltes", meaning "something that's been fucked."
(Sun 10th Jul 2005, 14:24, More)

» Best Graffiti Ever

Leah Betts
Probably been done:
Underneath a poster of Leah Betts lying in a coma stood "Leah Betts died after taking just one ecstacy tablet".

Beneath that a wag had added: "Lightweight".
(Sat 5th May 2007, 13:33, More)

» Stupid Tourists

Mike, a Canadian friend
was staying at his parents' place in Florida. A Merican clocks his strange accent, says, "Where are you from?"
Mike says: "Canada."
Merican: "Really? Where's that?"

The fella wasn't even a Floridan--he came from Minnesota (on the US-Canada border).
(Fri 8th Jul 2005, 21:35, More)

» Worst Nicknames Ever

My ex-girlfriend's nickname
is "cunt".

I'm not bitter.
(Sun 21st May 2006, 17:15, More)

» Buses

On the bendy bus to Gelsenkirchen,
Germany's Hull, I met a guy who asked me to be a witness at his wedding the next day to his very pregnant fiancée. He said he couldn't rely on his best friend to turn up, so I went along, as did his sister, whom the registrar informed she was actually supposed to call the police because her asylum-seeker's residency permit didn't allow her to leave Aachen.

Bumped into him again on the bus a week or so later. He was smoking opium.

Buses rock.
(Tue 30th Jun 2009, 22:34, More)