» Celebrities part II

Rhodes
A few years ago we were going round schools looking for a suitable place in which to put eldest male bofkin for his secondary eduction.
The group of parents we were in included one celebrity chef.. Gary Rhodes.
Towards the end, I couldn't resist it...
Me : "Hi.. I just wanted to say how much I enjoy your programmes"
He : "That's very nice of you"
Me : "It's a pleasure to have met you, Ainsley"
He : "..........." (silence)

I still titter about it....
(Thu 8th Oct 2009, 15:27, More)

» Trouble

Bob's House
I used to do the family grocery shopping on a Saturday morning taking the three year old nipper along for the ride. After a joyless hour and a half or so, during the drive home, I would suggest stopping at Bob's house to say hello.
The nipper always agreed because he got to run around, eat crisps and have an orange juice.
When questioned by mum, the nipper's response of a visit to Bob's house was innocent enough.
Until that fateful day... she who must be obeyed told me that the kid had pointed out Bob's house.
I had to laugh. I had had a good run but my leisurely pint on a Saturday afternoon in my local was curtailed.
(Tue 8th Sep 2015, 17:40, More)

» Lies I told on my CV

Not my cv but a candidate's...
Several years ago I had a programmer working for me at the Stock Exchange. He was a surly, baldy, syrup-wearing git. He left under very petulant, stampy-footy circumstances, but before he left, he buried unprintable characters in the code and prepared a timebomb in the system to kick in just before Christmas.
These were all found before his seat was cold because we had been monitoring his activity for two weeks before his departure.

Move forward a couple of years. I am working for a financial services company in Surrey. One of my colleagues is about to do an interview of this self-same individual.

Tipped off about past events, the guy asks lots of question about the Stock and finishes with "Why haven't you disclosed the events surrounding the sabotage of the systems at the Stock Exchange?"
Queue my entry with two security guards who politely escort him out of the building.

The moral of the story is "Don't fuck up your cv and don't fuck with me"
(Tue 11th Jul 2006, 16:03, More)

» The Emergency Services

Dr.Brother
My brother is a G.P.
One night about 2.00am he gets a call from a patient.
"Doctor, I can't sleep... I think I have insomnia"
His retort was short and sweet...
"And what are you trying to do? Start a fucking epidemic?"
and hung up.
(Tue 21st May 2013, 12:45, More)

» Missing body parts

Cosmetic surgery
For many years I had been troubled by a growth. It wasn't troublesome or difficult to deal with in the early years, but as time went on it became more and more visible. It caused horrendous headaches and the concern that it raised meant that stress levels were astronomical. Life was becoming quite unbearable..

After dealing with it for 19 years... Yes, dear readers... 19 years... I had it removed... I divorced the cow last year!

(I am a long time lurker and felt this was just too good to share)
(Mon 5th Jun 2006, 15:08, More)