» Lies that got out of control

I've always been a massive liar
so when my Year 1 teacher asked me what my Dad's job was during class I chose not to answer with the honest "Youth Worker", which even at the age of 6 struck me as mind-numbingly, pant-wettingly dull.

Instead I opted for - "Astronaut!"

Amazingly I seemed to get away with this, and everyone was suitably awe-struck and impressed. Unfortunately this also included said teacher, who asked if my astro-dad would be able to come and give a talk to the class about his amazing life.

Obviously this was an impossible request, but I've never been one to panic. Instead, I looked at her witheringly, and replied, "Of course he can't. He's in space."
(Tue 17th Aug 2010, 21:16, More)

» Body Mods

Whilst at university
I met a lovely South Londoner by the name of Paddy.

One evening after several beverages we got chatting, and Paddy said, "You know, it's such a weird coincidence..."

"What is?" I asked

"I actually have your name tattooed on my arse" he replied, to much disbelief on my part.


Imagine the hilarity as he pulled down his filthy keks to reveal 'Your Name' written in lovely flowing script across his left buttock.


Worst. Chat-up Line. Ever.
(Fri 1st Dec 2006, 13:54, More)

» Restaurants, Kitchens and Bars... Oh my!

I worked in a well known chain of bars
for almost two years. Although the social life was superb, the clientelle were somewhat lacking in both manners and brain cells. Therefore, the ruder the drunk retards were to me whilst I was serving them, the more money I would add onto the total of their bill, in multiples of £1 to make it easy to remember. I liked to call this my "tip".

I also used to "accidentally" knock full pints across the bar onto men who told me to cheer up/were wearing white tops/waved money at me/generally looked unsavory.

We also blatantly ignored customers in favour of our own entertainment, which took the form of the "Bar Olympics". My specialist event was Extreme Freepour, but there were many, many others, including Curling, with real ice and brooms along the length of the bar, and a unnamed game involving huge chunks of ice and 2 ice scoops, which had to be retired when one girl eneded up in A&E having stitches in her face.

I never spat in anyone's food though. That's just mean.

(This is my first ever post. Please be gentle...)
(Mon 24th Jul 2006, 10:31, More)