» Going Too Far

True story
A friend of a friend had the misfortune to be in a horrific car accident which resulted in the amputation of one of his legs. As he was a huge Manchester Utd fan, a local charity arranged for Nicky Butt to visit him in hospital while he was recovering. Mr. Butt even brought a 'get well soon' present for him.


A signed pair of socks.
(Sat 11th Nov 2006, 0:32, More)

» Putting the Fun in Funeral

These will be the best funerals ever!
Now most funerals are sombre, boring affairs, with people crying etc. But two people I know are going to have the funniest funerals I think I will ever attend.

My Dad, who isn't anywhere near dying yet thankfully, used to be a very good ceramics teacher and artist. He hasn't done any for a while, but has a big collection of some hilarious statues and pots. We have a 3ft high Spitting Image-style statue of Maggie Thatcher flicking the V-sign in our garden, by the way. So Dad's slightly twisted sense of humour reached a new level of hilarity when one day he came back from work with a large box with something heavy in it. "Ok, everyone come here, I want to talk about my funeral". We just take it in our stride whilst eating our dinner, but Dad announces that when he's gone he wants to be buried with what he has in the box. Out he pulls a cast of his right arm, fashioned into a 'Night of the Living Dead' pose. "And I've painted it with a glow-in-the-dark glaze as well, so I need it to be sticking out of the ground up to the elbow". Genius.

My current housemate has also expressed that his funeral should be a celebration of his life. So he's asked us to make sure that no-one is attending the ceremony unless they've got a pint in their hand, and as an avid sports fan, he's asked that as his coffin slides away to be cremated, that the Grandstand theme tune is played. The full version with the guitar solo.
(Fri 12th May 2006, 12:10, More)

» Going Too Far

Happened just now
Having a discussion with some friends about recent dreams, what they mean, and why they happen. It was an interesting conversation about philosophy and interpretation of your subconscious, and a really open insight into the minds of these people I've known for years. Until one of them said "I had a dream last night that your sister gave me a blowjob, she's 16 isn't she?".

Too far.
(Tue 14th Nov 2006, 21:19, More)

» School Trips

Drugs of Edinburgh award
I knew it was pointless so I never did it, but I did agree to go on one 2-day hike to make up the numbers. Big mistake.

Walking all day in the wet in a pair of shitty trainers didn't help. The four of us finally found our spot for the night just as Sir turned up to make sure we were fine. Once we'd eaten dinner and he'd left, we set about doing what all teenage boys left in woods overnight do. Had a big fuck-off bonfire, using all our meths fuel to get the thing started.

All was well and good until Alex decided to throw a burning log straight into the air, which, by sod's law, landed directly onto his tent, burning a massive hole in it. Shitting our pants, number 1.

After putting all our bags into the smouldering remains, we all thought about getting some sleep in the other, now rather cramped tent.

"Whats that noise? I can hear someone outside". Paul went out to investigate, didn't get very far when he pelted back in screaming "There's a fucking bloke in a trench coat wiht an alsatian outside! Grab my knife and gun!". Luckily, he did have a huge hunting knife and BB gun that he'd stowed in his bag. We set off after this innocent dog-walker because he clearly was going to kill us. Shitting out pants, number 2.

2am, just drifting off to sleep when suddenly our tent is lit up like daytime. Fuck. What is that. Peer our heads out the door to see 3 Ford Escorts tanking it up the footpath towards where our tent is. The cars pull up, 15 people get out and we hear a voice shout through the blinding light, "'Ere lads, your teacher not around? Don't mind if we have a little rave here do you?". Not wanting to object and possibly be killed for the second time that night, we chatted to the pillheads for a bit and stayed up to watch the carnage ensue.

Drum 'n bass blaring out the cars, half-naked girls puking all over the place, couples fucking in the backseats, some bloke with a needle in his arm, and bags of 20,000 E's being dealt. I did not sleep at all. There's no shit left now, I am just prolapsing.

Sunrise, and we soon see our teacher marching merrily towards our completely distraught selves. Before we could even open our mouths to explain what had happened in the night, he looked at the debris of burnt tents, used needles and fag ends and said, "Are these yours?". We got an absolute bollocking right there, with promises of an even more severe one when we got back.

You fucking absolute cunt, sir. Why on earth would we come on a school trip and do heroin? Yes, we burnt the tent, but skag? Twat. I mean, what a moron. We were 14. Any person with even the slightest shred of common sense would have realised that there was no way that could have been ours, no matter how far fetched the actual reason was.

We spent the last days walk home seething with anger and sleep deprivation, randomly shooting animals with the BB gun.


Other details I have left out of the story included:

*Shoplifting from the newsagents in the village we were told not to go into.
*Myself shooting Paul, point blank, in the skull with what I thought was an unloaded gun, giving him concussion.
*Alex asking to buy some weed off the ravers.
*Perfectly shitting on Graham's shit in total darkness.
*Me setting fire to own own leg after failing to make a bomb out of a Fanta bottle and meths.


Knob knob knob knob knob.
(Sun 10th Dec 2006, 3:29, More)

» Useless advice

damn her
I was once told by a girl that her life's rule was "Nothing up the bum, not even a thumb".

I went home and wanked instead.
(Sat 21st Oct 2006, 1:00, More)