» Mugged

don't mug yourself
I work in Hackney. This place is where good muggers go when they die. Too many stories.

The best was when I was waiting for a bus on Maire Street. A 17 year old wigger bad boy sucks his teeth in (doubtlessly reflecting his wannabe Caribbean cultural heritage).

'Giz your wallet'

There are about twelve people waiting at the bus stop with me who all heard and saw this.

'No.' I reply.

Sucks his teeth again.

'Giz yo wallet or I is gonna get my people on you.'

A Caribbean pensioner laughed out loud and said:

'Yo peepil? Who is yo peepil? Dey is Mary poppins 'an scooby doo! Now you missed da school bus ten minute ago, get ya walkin!'

He skulked/ exaggeratedly limped off towards the Empire.

'Thanks' I said sheepishly, wondering at the bizarre combination of Mary Poppins and Scooby doo as his choice of derision.

'No problem fella' said the old man, 'I sin him every day walkin' down here, only normally tis with an au pair you see.'

'Oh' I said, 'Mary Poppins, I get it.'

'Right.'

'And what about scooby doo?' I ask

'His par sister look like a dog.'
(Fri 16th Jun 2006, 11:01, More)

» Rock and Roll Stories

"Rock and Roll": spirit of rather than men with guitars
My Dad's friend back in the early 70s. School trip to West Berlin. The class was an all boys catholic school and they were 16.

Height of the cold war.

Back when school trips were better, as in, no one was likely to get sued. The teachers all went down the pub and so naturally did the lads.

Half cut and in downtown Berlin, staggering back to their hotel, they pass the East German Embassy. There is barbed wire and there is guards. Officially, this is a little bit of East Germany in the West, complete with Stasi obs and everything.

They think it would be funny to climb the top of the building when the guards aren't looking and steal their flag. They do. Minor international incident.

Assembly two weeks later in Leeds 9...

the head teacher stands up in front of the school and asks,

"Whoever stole the east german flag from their embassy in Berlin, could you please return it."

ROCK and ROLL!!!!!!!
(Fri 30th Jun 2006, 16:51, More)

» Debt pron

Although we live in a large and varied world, there can't be too many people like this out there...
Bloke called ian who lived in my block at uni. His entire degree was bankrolled by mum and dad so he never learnt the finer points of thrift. As soon as he was given any money he'd blow it all within a couple of days and then borrow money from the rest of us until the next payout.

He never paid anyone back and he borrowed from EVERYONE. There came a point when no one would lend him anything. So one month the usual has occurred and he is broke. I have little sympathy until I find him with his finger in my tub of margarine because he can't afford any food.

'Lend us some money Sadleir, please, I'm starving.'

'I'll lend you twenty quid on one condition. The condition is that you will promise not to spend a penny of it on either booze or fags or take aways or gambling or weed or public transport when you can walk and food from Waitrose or M & S. You must promise to spend this money on NECESSITIES ONLY.'

'I promise.'

The next day I find him waiting for a bus. He's holding something extremely large that's wrapped up.

'Ian, what's that?'

'It's a headboard for a bed. It was reduced from £80 to £15! Amazing, yeah?'

I mean, a headboard?
(Thu 30th Nov 2006, 13:20, More)

» Lies I told on my CV

and I thought I was so funny and clever...
I had just finished studying and had moved to the Smoke to get a job. I saw an ad for assistant at a literary agency in the Guardian job pages. After the usual requirements, it said at the bottom: ‘applicant must hate smoking and love dogs.’

At the time I was a 30 a day man and have nursed a healthy phobia of dogs since being attacked on a beach at the age of three (note to dog owners: it may well be ‘being friendly’ but me being me and not you, that bark and the slavering lips still appear to be the bearings of a killer).

Being desperate for the job all the same, in the CV I wrote ‘as for hating smoking and loving dogs, I have persistent nightmares about Cruella deVille.’

It worked and I got an interview. She was the wife of a very famous politician. I opened the door of her townhouse in Victoria to be greeted by the sight of two slavering pitbulls. They were barking. They were bearing their teeth. She appeared behind them, beaming, ‘say hello to my baaaaabies!’

I didn’t get the job.

Beware: behind every little white lie lurks a ravenous, slavering hell-hound.
(Fri 7th Jul 2006, 11:42, More)

» Awesome Sickies

court in the act
I did some work experience for the customs when I was 16. One duty I had was to test a phone line they'd set up which they would talk to the bad guy on. All this 'testing' involved was ringing a number from a call box.

Fast forward two years. It's a week before a uni essay deadline. There is a string of hysterical/ lame students queuing up to hand 'sick' notes to the tutor to grant them an extra week. Always made me laugh that the most common excuse for lateness was 'stress', as in 'I'm stressed out', as in 'I lost my favourite pen'.

I queue with them. I finally reach the office of the beleaguered and by now, very cynical tutor.

'What's your excuse?'

'I've been called as a witness in a major drug trial at Leeds Crown court. Can I have an extra couple of days with my Dryden essay?'

'Piss off' (actual words, said with a laugh).

Had to show him the court summons after the essay deadline and my court appearance before I could claw back the 10 marks they deducted for lateness.

Hate students who pull sickies, like they need a further excuse to do nothing.
(Fri 9th Jun 2006, 10:06, More)