» Workplace Boredom

I got disciplined by the police because of b3ta.

Seriously.

Apparently, they weren't very happy that I used 4gb of Lancashire Police's bandwidth a month sat refreshing /talk, reading QOTW and browsing old newsletters.

Luckily, I was too awesome at my job so didn't get fired for that. I had to write a written report to go with the investigation about why I 'abused' the police networks and explain what b3ta was about.

Most of the activity was on /talk (due to refreshing so much), when they went to check it out for themselves, it just happened to be a thread about Madeline McCann being raped and stolen by gypsies. That's right.

I had to explain the concept of dark-humour & irony to Lancashire Police's HR dept because one of their forensic staff had been discussing, in a very low-brow sense, over a period of months, child rape, racism and what I'd eaten for lunch.

It's my own fault, I know this; still pretty funny that b3ta was in the top ten most visited sites for Lancashire Police for six months though.

Click this if you think the police are now constantly monitoring b3ta for potential sex pests.

(Fri 9th Jan 2009, 14:16, More)

» Putting the Fun in Funeral

a crying shame.
A friend was telling me a few years ago about how at her brother-in-laws funeral, her husband was a paul-bearer.

He was carrying his own brothers coffin.

He was close with his brother and naturally, devastated.

As they put the coffin down facing the cremeation chamber, her husband refused to let go of the coffin. He was crying, weeping and sobbing; too much to form a coherant sentance.

He was there for 10 minutes. He was getting louder and making more of a scene. It was only until the mother came up to console the brother, did anyone realise his fingers were caught under the coffin and were seeping with blood.

Oops.
(Thu 11th May 2006, 20:01, More)

» I witnessed a crime

I live in a lovely area of Salford.
It's about 7pm, very dark and I'm going into the town centre to meet a female friend of mine at the time. I decide to cut down a very dirt-ridden path as I'm running 15 minutes late. One guy walking up the path. Shoulder barges me. I turned around, insinctivly to see who the hell it was. He sees and decides to engage me.

"What the fuck?"
"...you just shoulder barged me"
"That's because you're a prick"
I laugh, because it didn't make sense.

"Alright then", I turned around to carry on walking, he pulls a knife.
"Give me your wallet."
"...no", I reply, none-chalontly.

"I said give me your wallet you fat prick before I cut you"
I sigh, loudly. I'm running too late for this crap.
"Listen, that knife, what is it? 5"? 6" max? That'd probably be able to do some damage
on a normal person, lucky for me, I've got at least a good 8" of flubber, so quite frankly-"

He interupts.
"Shut the fuck up and give me your wallet and your phone, you cunt!"
"No. You're not listening to me. You're not going to be able to do any major damage to me
with that thing and certainly not enough to stop me from absolutely-fucking-wasting-you
and ripping off your jaw by the time I've passed out through blood loss."

He looks a little stunned, so I continue.
"The only damage you're going to do is if you go for my neck. But you're not going to do that.
I've got twenty quid and a phone that's worth about thirty, you know it's not worth it, so FUCK. OFF."

He doesn't say anything, he was a little shocked.

I turn around and walk away casually.

Take that, youth of today.

 
(Sat 16th Feb 2008, 2:32, More)

» School Trips

We were all going on a trip to France in first year.
So the bus was full of 11 year olds and four teachers who were trying to be 'cool' and show how hip they were. A friend of mine was playing Dares with a few other guys; they dared my friend to take a dump in a brown paper bag. He does it. The bag gets passed around, much to everybody's dismay, one of the teacher notices the fuss.

"what's going on here then?"
"Nobody wants to pop the bag, sir"
"you wusses, give it here then."

*SPLAT*

To this day, I've never heard children screaming so loud.
(Sun 10th Dec 2006, 1:01, More)

» Housemates from hell

Creepy little fucker from highschool.
For a few months, a friend from Highschool came to live with me and mother dearest as he got kicked out of his house. My friend was bumming around on his laptop one night when he wasn't in; he opened upa file called "stories". Turns out, this guy used to like writing erotic fiction about underage, 13 year olds called "Katie", who, apparently, "had the best tits in all of year 9". It must have been no less than 17 pages of 'fiction'.

He vomited all over the bathroom walls once and left it for three days because he "couldn't be bothered" wiping it up. I had been away for the weekend and when I noticed, I found he went out on the friday night. It was now Monday morning and I nearly kicked the fuck out the little ungrateful cunt.

Another time, I noticed we had a lot of viruses and dialers on the PC; checking around, I open up the index.dat file (for those who don't know what it is, Windows records every single website you visit that's hard to locate & erase) to find thousands of entries of sick websites on his account. A few the are burnt on the back of my mine are: fuckedgrannies.com, analinsertions.com and some dodgey website titled "How do you kill yourself if you're underage and can't get a gun".

We informed his dad about it, who's response was "well, he's a teenager, i'nt he?". We kicked him out soon after.
Apparently, he's working as a male escort around Manchester. Ugh, I'm actually laughing whilst writing this. It's just so fucked up. haha.
You should click this because I used to live with a depressed paedophile.
(Thu 5th Apr 2007, 19:07, More)